Page 21 of My Favorite Girl

I shake my head, unable to talk, my chest heaving.

He grabs my hands and squeezes them gently. “Okay, Ally, everything is going to be all right. I’m going to take care of you, but you have to look at me and listen to what I say.”

My eyes clench shut, filled with humiliation.

“Ally, baby,lookat me.”

The shock of Dan using such an affectionate nickname makes me open my eyes.

“We’re going to try a breathing exercise,” he says.

“Tried them. Never work.”

“We don’t have much else to try right now. I’m going to count to four and I want you to inhale the whole time. Can you try that for me?”

I nod and he starts counting, his voice calm and soothing. We only make it to the count of one before I need to exhale. “Can’t,” I say, wincing.

“Yes, you can. Ally, look into my eyes and focus on me. Nothing else.”

Dan begins counting again, his eyes soft and holding my gaze the entire time. I fail with the breathing again, but Dan continues encouraging me, never giving up, and slowly, I progress to inhaling over the count of two, fixated on those brown eyes and how they look at me. How he called me baby.

I make it to the count of three, focusing on the warmth of his hands spreading into me.

Four.

I think about all the times I’ve crawled into Dan’s bed and slept in his arms.

My heartbeat has significantly slowed and my breathing is steady. The left side of Dan’s lips lift into a grin and he whispers, “Amazing. You did it.”

Because of him. I’ve never achieved these results without medication.

“Tell me what caused all of this.”

I pull my hands free from his, wiping away fresh tears. “I shouldn’t have come to this party. I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. I’m not like you or any of the people here. I’m boring. I sit in my room and play the piano all day. I don’t party. I don’t have friends outside of the family. But you thrive in this setting, and it’s easy to forget that there’s a whole other side of you I don’t know about. It makes me feel pathetic.”

He looks at me incredulously, like I’ve said the most ridiculous thing. “Ally… You have no fucking clue, do you?”

“About what?”

“You’remy person, remember? You get the real me. You’re theonlyperson who does. I have more fun spending the night at home with you than attending a party. You’re the one person in this world that makes me feel understood. I can tell you things. Things I can’t tell others. With you, I can relax and be me without feeling like I need to perform.”

My heartbeat picks up, pounding over how special every word out of Dan’s mouth is, and that he feels that way aboutme. He’s so incredible and patient with me. “I feel all those things about you too. I’m sorry that you had to see me like this.”

“I like that I’ve seen this side of you. I want to know every side of you, Ally. I like taking care of you. I want to always protect you and keep you safe.” Dan reaches into his pocket and retrieves his neon deck of cards. He scans through them, stopping at the Queen of Hearts. “This belongs to you. You’re my Queen of Hearts. Never forget it.” He places her in my hand, returning the rest of the deck to his pocket.

The tears fall harder as I stare down at the card, understanding everything Dan’s words don’t say. This card, the Queen of Hearts, feels like a love confession between two peoplewho can’t be in love. I’m not pleased about the panic attack, but in some sense, I’m glad it happened, bringing this added closeness between us.

“You’ll have an incomplete deck,” I tell him, wiping my eyes. It’s almost been a year since I gifted him these cards, and he has them on him constantly, always shuffling.

“I never play with this deck. It’s too special. Every time I shuffle it, I think of you.”

I smile, gazing down at the Queen of Hearts then back up at Dan. “I won’t ever let go of it.”

Chapter 10

Ally

One year later, Saturday, September 20

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