Page 118 of When in December

“Did I have a chance?” I asked.

“Excuse me?”

“Did I ever really have a chance?” I repeated.

But I felt like the answer was sitting right in front of me. For so long, I was always the woman who was walked all over and told to try better next time, and I believed it because I thought this was the way of the world. It was what it was.C’est la vie.

As long as it pleased everyone else and they liked me enough, I let it go.

But for some reason, I couldn’t right now. It was all too much, even as I bit the inside of my cheek.

“I’ve worked hard here,” I explained, standing up for myself. I’d never thought I could, but I did against Aaron. At least until the end. I was able to speak my mind, even if my voice shook and my eyes filled with water. “I put in extra hours. I take on the extra training. I devote myself to the work and the mission here. I’m not saying that Alison hasn’t. I’m not saying that seniority is the correct way to hand out promotions, but I have worked so hard, and I love what I do, and I wanted it so badly, and right now, I feel like I … what have I gotten for it?”

Michelle watched me carefully as I went on, not interrupting.

“Half of the senior design team don’t even know my name beyond the girl who color codes their calendars.” I whispered.“I’m not asking for athank youor ajob well done. I want proof that all the work I do without being asked, that’s praised, is worth it. I mean, did you know that I built those custom bookshelves in that cabin?”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I did. Not only that, but when we were behind schedule, I spent days and nights staining the original hardwood floors. I doubt half the other designers even know how to use a nail gun if push came to shove and they needed to make the vision happen themselves. But I did. I do. I don’tdeservethis promotion. I earned it.”

But was my constant need for perfection and doing whatever I had to do, throwing health and family and love to the wayside if that’s what it took, worth it in the end?

My job, my work was what I always chose. It was why I still lived with my family, so close to the office, especially after Lincoln left me, because what else did I need to move for? It was why I’d made sure to keep myself under lockdown for so long, so I would be at full alertness at Home Haven while everyone else did whatever they wanted. Yet somehow, they still managed to be so many steps ahead of me.

I cut myself off, trying to catch my breath.

“Sometimes, in this job, you’re the only one who can fully know you did your absolute best,” said Michelle. “And that should be worth something.”

“What if it’s not enough?” I pressed my lips together.

“It will be,” Michelle said, sadness filling her tone. “For so many of us, even when we’re struggling, it has to be.”

I should’ve nodded. I should’ve been the one to thank her for the opportunity, like I always did before asking if there was anything else she or the other designers needed from me, which I would fulfill, no questions asked.

But I didn’t. And now, I was stuck here, under her studying gaze.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I’m tired, as I mentioned, from the late nights and making sure that the cabin and the holiday were put together for the Hayes-Preston family.”

“You’ve had a very productive year. I hope we can move forward from here and continue this trend,” Michelle said. “This isn’t the end of something. It’s just the beginning.”

It was easy for her to say. No matter if Michelle had gone through trials or struggled to make Home Haven what it became after years, she didn’t understand where I was coming from.

She has no idea.

I could nearly hear Aaron’s stiff arrogance leaking through my thoughts, the same words he’d spit at me during the first two weeks of my time at the cabin.

“You have no idea what I’m going through, and to be honest, I don’t need you to pretend to care.”

Tears started to stream down my face.

Michelle reached across the desk, and I couldn’t even pull my hands away before she had them in her grasp. She held my hands tight, not caring that they were in fists.

“You’re going to do great things, Poppy. You can be afraid right now. But don’t let yourself stay like this—one foot out and one in. Take the energy you need. Dig yourself out and start again.”

“You said I had potential.”

“And you know when I say that, I mean it,” said Michelle, her tone switching from soft to serious. “Dive into this feeling. Dive in until you have no choice but to try and swim.”

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