Page 8 of It's Always Us

I stop her, unwilling to listen to all the reasons why I’m not thinking clearly. “I know you think Seth is perfect, and he might be, but I can’t marry him. I don’t feel for him the way I should, and if I’d been myself with him instead of pretending to be someone else, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to marry me either.” I hold my mom’s hand, comforting her now. “I should’ve realized this all sooner, but . . . ”

I stop myself because she won’t get it. My mom’s idea of success in life is finding a man and setting yourself up with money and security. Love is optional. This belief led her to the other side of the country while I was in high school, and it wasn’t until it all fell apart that she came home.

“Have you talked to him?” Krissy jumps in with a sympathetic tone.

“No, I’m going to see him this morning.”

My mom stands, moving back to the sink, frantically scrubbing Grandpa’s mug. “It’s too late for this. Things are being booked and arranged. What are people going to say? You’ll wake up tomorrow and realize it’s just the pressure getting to you.”

I can’t think about what everyone will think and say. Most of them don’t know me anyway, but still. My eyes meet Krissy’s understanding gaze, and I’m so grateful she’s here.

“Better now than after.” She pats my hand in comfort. “Anything Gail has arranged can be canceled. There’s still plenty of time.”

Gail is going to blow a gasket.I take a deep breath.

I push out my chair and stand. “I have to shower and talk to Seth. I’ve already let this go on far too long, and he needs to know.”

My mom reaches for my arm. “You don’t know what you’re doing. Seth is everything you could ever want. This is a huge mistake, and you’ll wake up a week from now and realize everything you could have had.” She grabs my hands, pleading. “This is your chance to have a life and future. With your issues, an opportunity like this doesn’t just come along every day.”

There it is. A quick jab in the gut. I inhale, pulling myself up despite feeling an inch tall. “That may be true, but I can’t marry him.”

“Alex, this is your chance. He’s perfect.”

But not for me. He’s not the one I want. He never has been.

“I know you don’t understand this, but he’s not . . . at least not for me.”

I leave her disappointed stare and carry myself upstairs to shower, hoping I’ll find the courage to face Seth and then figure out how to keep going when pretending isn’t an option anymore.

______

The glass door readsChambers, Macavoy, Dunn & Associates, and I tug it open, entering the elegantly styled waiting room of the law firm. Thankfully, the receptionist, Marcy, isn’t at her desk, so I head down the hall to Seth’s office to make this as quick as possible.

Seeing his door open, I approach only to find Marcy resting her butt and thigh on the desk next to him as she leans toward his computer. It should irritate me, but it doesn’t. I don’t even care, which is exactly why I’m here.

My shaky hand knocks and Marcy quickly removes herself from his desk, redness tinting her face.

“Hey,” Seth says. “I tried to call you.”

“I’ll go check on that.” Marcy scurries out, and I step aside, letting her pass.

I shove my hands in my pockets. “I wanted to talk to you in person.”

He frowns and rolls his chair back. “Everything all right? You left so early last night.”

And you didn’t even call or come by to make sure I was okay.The thing is, I knew he wouldn’t, and I didn’t want him to.How did I let this happen?

My mouth feels dry as guilt creeps up my throat. “I can’t marry you,” I blurt out in a rush, scrounging for the courage I desperately need.

He laughs, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his desk. “What?”

My eyes meet the gray carpet squares. “I’m sorry. When you asked me to marry you, I shouldn’t have said yes.”

His chair creeks, and I peek up to see him leaning back, arms crossed now. “You just realized this?” He looks slightly amused, as if this is some kind of joke.

“Yes.”

His phone beeps and Marcy informs him that his buddy, Jeremy, is on the phone. He reaches forward and picks it up. I wrap my arms around myself, seeking security while I wait for him to finish his conversation about their tee time.

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