Page 67 of It's Always Us

Lex’s hands loosen their hold on me, and they might as well have reached in and grabbed hold of my insides instead. Past decisions will always come back to haunt you. Even though mine aren’t as they seem, it doesn’t make any difference when they pierce the one I’d never want to hurt.

I firm up my grip on her hand but turn to address the group, not knowing who decided to be an asshole. “There’s only ever been one.” I press my hand into her back, moving her forward through the small space to the door. “Don’t believe everything you read, guys.”

We step into the evening air, and I follow Lex to the car. Her downcast face and quick steps tell me what they said got to her. We climb in, but I sit there trying to figure out exactly what to say, but nothing comes.

Lex starts the car as I ask Suri for directions to the nearest grocery store, also needing her to provide insight on how to handle this. It’s the shame I carry. I made years of bad decisions while trying to forget the only one I’ve ever wanted. Payment for my dumb ass behavior was just collected, and the currency was a kick in the gut of the one I love.

While Lex sits next to me, staring out the window, I want to punch myself in the face. I know it wasn’t anything like how it appeared, but the media knows how to sell stories, and at that time, I didn’t care.

The challenge is getting Lex to see that appearance isn’t even close to reality when the only thing I have to offer is my word.

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If I were captured by international spies and they needed a torture device to get me to talk, all they’d have to do is sit Lex in front of me and have her give me sad silence. I’d carve my own heart out with a spoon and serve it to them on a platter so I didn’t have to suffer the agony for another second.

We left the brewery and ran through the grocery store, going our separate ways so she could grab a few items she needed while I gathered food for dinner. The whole time, I was met with calm and quiet, and my skin shrunk two sizes.

Now, she’s in my room checking in with her grandpa, and if she tells him where she is, I wonder if he’ll give her even more reason to be hurt. Fear is clawing at my every nerve, waiting to see her roll out with her suitcase in tow and give me the big ‘have a nice life.’

I pull the chicken off the grill and step inside, leaving the large glass slider open to let the cool evening breeze in. I place the chicken on our plates of rice and salad, and Lex steps into the kitchen, looking just as despondent as she had when we got home. Her hair is damp, and she has on an old T-shirt that stabs me in the chest, seeing it’s not mine.

She tugs at her ear. “Sorry, I took a shower. I couldn’t stand those pants one more second.” Her hand runs over her stomach but quickly falls away.

I stare at her.Say something, you idiot.“Did you talk to your grandpa?”

She bites her lip. “I panicked. I’m not sure what I want to say yet or how I feel and I don’t want to get into where I am. I was a coward and voice-messaged him to let him know I’d be home in a few days. The guys are probably cussing me sideways for leaving them high and dry.”

“It’s understandable, given what you learned.” Her eyes drop to her bare feet, but she doesn’t say anything. I lift my plate. “Can you grab yours?” I gesture to the other plate. “I thought we’d eat outside.”

She watches me for a moment before following me. I cross the patio, passing the pool to the small rectangle of turf. I sit, setting my plate in front of me, but Lex stops ten feet away, staring.

I can’t read the look on her face, and my heart picks up pace again. “I thought . . . .”Shit, maybe this was a terrible idea.I inhale, needing my body to settle down and find some shard of confidence that has left me high and dry for being such a complete dumbass. “I thought we could eat like we used to.”

Her head falls to the side while her light blue eyes search my face as if she’s trying to dissect my thoughts. Then, after a moment, she brings her plate and takes a seat next to me, crossing her legs.

We take the first few bites in silence as the sun sets behind the neighboring houses, casting a golden glow over the backyard and pool. The air chills, and I hand her a blanket that she spreads over her lap.

I let the silence linger, trying to work up the courage to address my poor past choices, but it was how I survived.

“The food is really good. Thank you,” she says quietly.

I watch her take another bite, and the tension that’s gripped my body relaxes a little. “Yeah? It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I guess it’s not bad.”

She side-eyes me, pushing some rice around her plate with her fork. “I like this better. This reminds me of hanging out with you on the field after everyone else went home. Those nights are my favorite memories.”

My mind flashes back to our high school football field, lying on a blanket in the dark, staring up at the sky, and sharing secrets. It’s where I fell in love with Lex, where she let me see her soul, and I gave her mine.

“Mine, too. Knowing I’d get to make out with you got me through each game.”

She rolls her eyes and backhands my stomach. She brushes my sling, and I rub at it like she hurt me.

Her eyes grow wide. “I’m sorry. Are you ok?” I grin, hoping I’m getting her back. “You jerk. I thought I hurt you.”

I move our plates to the side and pull her closer to me, making sure she’s covered with the blanket. I slide my arm around her, and she rests her head on my shoulder as we watch the sky darken, just like we used to. I stare into the dusk, trying to find the words to express what I need her to know.

“Lex, those nights, those memories are what got me through all these years. They were all I had left of you. Just visions, but as time passed, they were slipping away. I started to wonder if they were even real or . . . if I’d made it all up. I missed you so much.” My throat tingles, and I clear it.

Her hand slides over my stomach, and she pinches my shirt between her fingers.

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