Page 132 of It's Always Us

The very spot on my ribs feels like a match is being held to it.

Perhaps your love will make me forget all I wish not to remember.

After I read them out loud for our English Lit assignment, she’d asked me if I thought love could do that—allow me to forget. I knew right then that her’s could. She repeated those exact words over and over again to me, believing it was possible.

I drop my head, unsure if I’m able to hear the truth.

Shane’s now gentle voice filters through. “Those words are exactly what she did. She loved you enough to let you go, so you never had to go back there.”

Stab. Right through my heart, twisting as it sinks in. It’s the truth I don’t want to face. The truth is that she loved me enough to carry the burden so I wouldn’t have to.

I shake my head, letting it fall into my hands. “I spent all that time walking around, trying to convince myself she was a liar. Forcing myself to believe that I’d made it all up.”

“Stop.” Sean’s voice is soft. “Stop punishing yourself. She needs you now, and you need to be there.”

The fire that was dampened returns, and I burn with rage. “Punish myself?” I scoff. “I was floating around on bought air, messing around with women, and living the high life while she was there taking care of a baby and living my hell so I didn’t have to.” I stand. “And even worse . . . she had to watch. She had to watch me with those women, pretending like I was living on cloud nine.”

I want to ram my fist into a wall a thousand times. “There is no punishment that’s enough.”

Shane steps forward. “You think this is helping? You think sitting here making a list of all the ways you were wrong will help anything?” I don’trespond, and Shane moves to stand a foot from me. “She’s pregnant, you asshole.”

Shane’s patience is gone, and I can feel the heat radiating off him. “I don’t care what your mom did or didn’t do. What she let happen. Lex is your wife. She needs you more than anyone else. And there’s a scared little girl who needs you to get your head out of your ass and make sure she’s safe.”

His finger jabs my chest, and Sean moves closer, poised to intervene.

Shane is unfazed. “You have a sister who needs you to step up and give her everything you never had. Someone to love her and take care of her. Give her a family. She’s probably scared shitless while you’re here having your princess pity party.” His nostrils flare as he inhales, cooling down.

“You made it out, man.” Sean’s tone is much softer. “You got out and made it here. Lex made that happen. She saved you from the life that would have taken you down. You could be the one sitting in that jail cell or worse.” He pauses, not saying what we all three know. I could be dead. “Now, you owe it to her and Bree to get them out of it. Go get them and give them both the life they deserve.”

A burn crawls up my throat that’s so intense I can’t breathe. “I don’t know how to do that.”

“Yes, you do.” Sean’s tone is tight now. “You aren’t that kid anymore. All you need is to be the man we know you are. Be the man Lex married and brother you’ve been to us every single day.”

Tears crease my eyes as I stare at my two brothers. The ones I somehow got lucky enough to find, or maybe they found me. I’m not sure. All I know is they’re right. Period. There’s nothing else to be said.

“Get to Seattle tomorrow. Then have the plane take you to where you really need to be.” Shane’s coach tone returns, but there’s no heat to it.

My blurry gaze pops up to theirs.

“Tell Rob to find a deal. A decent one and take it.” Sean states it as if it’s a simple task. He knows it’s not. “Until then, your ass stays in Ohio.”

It’s where I need to be.Shit.The problem is, it means I have to go back and face all that I don’t want to, all that I’ve tried so hard to forget, but they’re right. It’s time I get them out of there, where I know my past won’t touch Lex or my sister ever again, at least not without having to go through me.

Chapter 40

LEX

“Anything else you want to grab?”

Bree sits on the edge of her twin bed, pressed against the wall, holding the pink model Volkswagen Beetle and her clay pot filled with colored pencils. Her head hangs, and the bright, lively little girl is missing. The pale tinge to her skin tells me she’s sick with heartache and terrified of the unknown.

I lower myself beside her, having to lean back to make room for the giant kicking machines that have invaded my entire midsection, including the space underneath my ribs.

“Are you ok?” When she doesn’t say anything, I prod, knowing Slade will be back any minute. We have to return the keys to the landlord, who’s impatiently waiting on us to load up what we can. The rest will be up to him. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

She nods, barely. “I . . . What’s going to happen if my mom has to stay in jail for a long time? Are you leaving again to be with your husband?”

It’s the first time she’s mentioned Mark, and I have no doubt it’s because she’s smart enough to be afraid of the answer. I wish I knew what he was thinking, but I don’t.

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