Page 9 of It's Always Us

When he hangs up, his eyes meet mine again as he rests back in his chair, getting comfortable. “Sorry, I’m meeting the guys at the golf course this afternoon.”

I stare at him, wondering if he remembers what I just said. I inch closer, dropping my arms and giving my sweaty hands some air. “Seth, I’m not marrying you,” I say, feeling more confident.

His light brown eyebrows pull together. “And that’s it? We’re . . . not getting married.” His voice is calm but firm.

I cross my arms over myself again. “I can’t marry you, and I don’t think you want to marry me . . . at least the real me.”

When he doesn’t say anything, I risk another glance at him, and he’s staring.

“What does that mean, Alex?”

I don’t even know how to explain it, but I try. “I hated school. Did you know that?” I ask, knowing the answer. “It was really difficult for me, but cars make sense. I like working with my hands, getting dirty, and making broken things new. You think because I’m a woman, it’s silly or a hobby. Sometimes, I think you’re embarrassed by it. You try to explain it away as if there’s something wrong with me working in a garage.”

I tuck my hair behind my ear. My fingers land on my stud earring to twist. “It’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. I won’t ever hold an office job or something you find more . . . suitable. I won’t ever be a wife who sits at home, prepares meals, shops, or plans parties. I won’t be golfing.”

“I know you love working on cars, but our life will change once we get married. You won’t have to do that anymore or work at all.”

I inhale, frustration rolling through me that he’s not hearing what I’m saying. “I don’t like fancy dinners or clothes.” I peer down at my stained jeans and boots. “I’m terrible at socializing. You know this. Especially with strangers, but that’s part of your life and what you want. You love it. I hate it, and when I go out, I want to sit in a quiet bar and watch a ball game where talking is optional.”

He stares at me, unmoving.

“Those are all the things I should have told you on our first date and so many more. If I had, I’m pretty sure you would’ve never asked me out again.” When he still doesn’t say anything, I channel Grandpa. “Seth, why do you want to marry me?”

He sets his chair in motion, rocking slightly, and I assume it means he’s thinking. It shouldn’t be this hard.

“You’re beautiful and . . . different. You never expect anything from me. You’ve always been there, supporting me and encouraging me. You understand my long hours and when things come up. You let me hang out with my friends and never complain when I don’t make it over to see you or I have to cancel. You . . .”

He stalls, and I give him a second to hear what he doesn’t say. “Don’t you think it’s weird we don’t spend that much time together? Last night was a party to celebrate our engagement, and we weren’t even together. When I left, did you even wonder why?”

He comes to his defense. “I was with my friends.”

My heart picks up pace as a heat wave washes over me. I speak softly. “I know, and that’s ok, but that’s probably not how two people who love each other would behave.”

“So, this is it, then? We’re just done,” he snaps, straightening in his chair.

“Seth, it’s been two years, and you don’t love me. You love the person you want me to be or who I let you think I am. You love that I’m around. Isn’t there a part of you that picked me because you knew it would drive your mom crazy, and I’m as low maintenance as they come? You like not having to be around me if you don’t want to.” He pushes his chin out but doesn’t say anything. “I should have seen this before now. I’m sorry.”

His eyes narrow, and the long moment of silence makes me itchy. I shove my hands back in my pockets, knowing I don’t have anything more to say.

Eventually, he leans forward, sitting tall and resting his arms on his desk. He clears his throat, his jaw set and jetting out. “I guess you’re right. I should be a whole lot more hurt than I am.”

I can’t tell if he’s being a jerk or having a revelation, but it doesn’t matter. I pull his ring out of my pocket and set it on the edge of his desk.

“I’m very sorry that I let things get this far.”

He scoffs, averting his eyes. “Me, too.”

I turn but stop in the doorway. “It’s my fault. I’ve spent years trying to be a lot of things. I didn’t mean to mislead you. You deserve a wife who is exactly who you think she is and doesn’t want to be anywhere else.”

I leave his office and walk straight out of the building, shame creeping up my throat and into my eyes. I climb into my truck and start the engine, but I sit, taking deep breaths to calm my shaking body.How did I get here?

I know how. I was trying to fool myself into believing I was over Mark and forcing myself not to love him. I couldn’t do it.

I said goodbye once, but I’ve never let him go. Grandpa is right. Somehow, I have to.

Chapter 3

MARK

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