Page 18 of It's Always Us

“Maybe it’s time for you to let yourself be happy and quit taking on a burden that was never yours to bear.”

He leaves the office, and I can only stare at his back as I swipe the bottle from the desk, wanting to throw it against the wall. Instead, I grip it tightly as my stomach churns, wondering if I can even keep two pills down.

When in the hell did he become so . . . logical?It’s that simple. Ha. Right.

I groan, pulling a bottle of water from the pack in the corner, pop the pills, and chase them with the room-temperature liquid.

I rest back in the chair, those dark eyes boring into me again. I’ve never been weak. I haven’t had the luxury, but Slade’s right. I am scared. I’m scared out of my mind. Everything has changed, but going on like this isn’t an option.

Going after what I want means becoming vulnerable to a world that doesn’t understand me or my struggles, no matter how good I am at hiding them. What I’m certain of, though, is that I’ve never been afraid of Mark.

Maybe it’s finally time I do something about it, or as Slade said, I’ll spend my life wondering, waiting, and so far, that’s been miserable. I push back from the desk, terrified out of my mind, but Mark suffered through it for me.

Now, I guess it’s my turn to put my heart on the line and find out if he really meant it—everything he said.

I wasn’t enough before. I’m not sure I’m enough now or that there’s anything left of us beyond what was. Maybe too much time has passed, and all the things that stood in the way before remain, but if nothing else, he deserves to know that there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t thoughtabout him, too.

Chapter 5

MARK

I toss my duffle bag on the bed, checking my phone. Again. I gave her every minute I could until I had to catch my chartered flight to Vegas. There are approximately twenty-four hours left, and this time tomorrow, I’ll be on the field, and she’ll be married . . . to someone else.

I stare at the small, stocked refrigerator against the wall. The tiny bottles inside call to me, promising to help me forget. There was only a short time in my life when I indulged before Shane and Sean showed up and literally kicked my ass sober.

The feelings that led me to the bottle back then are far too familiar all over again.

I force my feet to the window, smart enough to know one binge would never be enough. My vow to never turn into them is stronger than my desire to numb the pain momentarily.

My eyes trace over the city below. All the glittering signs offer relief. A million things at my fingertips that, with one phone call and some cash, I could bury the pain in . . . at least for a while. I contemplate it, sorting through a list of options, wanting something, anything, to make it better. But reality voices its strict-ass opinion, and I know when it’s over, that feeling of my heart being gutted from my body with a dull blade will still be there.

I pull the blackout shades closed to hide the sun and strip below. I fall on the bed, unable to bear the stabbing pain in my chest that comes with knowing it’s over. What was I thinking? I know what I thought. I thoughtI would walk back in there, and she’d remember, but Shane and Sean are right.It’s been too long, and everything has changed.

I place a hand on my chest, needing the pain and tightness to ease. Somehow, I have to play the game tomorrow, and not only that, I have to win.

I roll on my side, hoping it will help, but all I see is her light blue eyes. They were empty—all the soft, quiet joy and determination was gone. I don’t know what caused it, but I likely just made it worse.

My phone buzzes, and I snatch it up, my small sliver of hope instantly going up in smoke.

SEAN: You all right, bro?

I already told Shane and Sean what happened, so I’m not responding. I called them late last night after I drove around for an hour, seeking some kind of resolve that never came. The last thing I need to hear is their ‘I told you so’ disguised as sympathy.

I close my eyes, wanting sleep to envelop me and ease the excruciating reality that Lex will never again be mine.

Shit. Maybe she was never mine at all.

I try to calm my body and mind, but my phone buzzes again. My team management ensuring I’m here and set for tomorrow’s game. Another reason I need sleep. I have to be one hundred percent focused, and after not sleeping last night, I need it now.

I tap on an app, and the soft sound of rain fills the dark space around me. I close my eyes, swallowing the blaze creeping up my throat, and try to shut down the slow-burning ache of wanting something that never was.

Another fist hits me square in the chest as I force myself to face reality. Everything I’ve held on to, the hope of what might be again, is gone. What I thought Lex and I had was just some figment of my imagination. It was all me. One-sided. I clung to her when I had nothing and no one else. The one person who I thought truly loved me.

I don’t know how long I lay there, lost in the fake rainstorm when my phone vibrates next to me.

Every part of me needs to close it in a drawer and forget about it until the morning, but the destructive part requires proof that it’s not Lex.

SHANE: You’re going to be ok. Focus on the game tomorrow. It’s what gets us through.

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