Page 128 of It's Always Us

“Yes, I was going to, but . . . ” What can I say? Nothing. I tried to tell him, but we got caught up and . . . It’s all one fat excuse when nothing will make this better for him.

He shoves a hand through his hair, gripping it tight. “But what? How about, hey Mark, I’ve been hanging out with your shitbag mother, and oh, by the way, you have a sister? That would’ve been a good place to start!”

I have no defense.

“I want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

I need a second to think about it. I had a million opportunities over these past months, and I didn’t take any of them.

“You can’t be the woman of few words right now, Lex. I want to know.”

A sheen of sweat covers my body. I pull my hair back, twist it around my sweat-soaked hand, and let it fall again. “I know. Just give me a minute to find the right ones.”

He waits. His hard eyes stare into me while I think, process, and hunt for the truth. My fingers twist my earring. I don’t have to search very hard, and there it is.

I suck in a breath for courage, hoping it will slow my racing heart. “I tried a couple of times, but . . . ” I drag my eyes up to his, needing to see him. “I know what she did to you. How much she hurt you, maybe even more than your dad.” It’s possible the lump in my throat might burst as I think about the stories he shared with me, and I know they weren’t even the worst of them. “The absolute last thing I’ve ever wanted to do was hurt you, and I know this hurts like hell.”

He scoffs. “Hurt. Fuck! That doesn’t even begin to—”

I stand. I can’t be a coward. His shoulders are rigid, and his eyes are wild with anger and pain. All I want is to make it better, and nothing I say will.

I let the rest of it go. My voice is only a whisper. “How could I? How could I tell you about her and Bree . . . when she didn’t even try for you.” I ached to touch him, hold him, and make him see. “Mark, you deserved for her to fight . . . for you. To put you first, like she did Bree.”

He scoffs. “Just like you put me first and disappeared.”

I feel the smack all the way from my face to my toes, and I can’t even say I don’t deserve it. I step away from him, sliding a hand under my growing belly to support it, and move toward the door.

He spins, watching me. “Where the hell are you going?” I don’t stop, but in two seconds, he’s standing in front of me. “Where are you going?”

My skin is hot and sticky, and I’m one second from melting down as I watch my dreams swirl in the toilet. My stomach lurches again, but I force it down.

I will myself to stay strong. “I’m going to give you some space.”

“Seriously, is that how this will always be? You just leave every time things get hard.” I pull back at his words.That’s notwhat I’m doing. Am I?“I’m pissed. No, I’m so angry I can’t see straight, but I don’t want space. I want you to stay here and help me understand. I’ve never left, Lex.”

Another punch right between our twins.

“I’ve never left and never will, but I need to know that you won’t either.”

It’s the truth. His truth. He’s terrified I’ll leave again. That I won’t show up or be here. ThatIwon’t fight for him. I hate myself for letting him ever doubt my love.

I pull myself up, letting the total and complete truth go. Nothing reserved. “Even if your mom hadn’t shown up. Even if I’d made a different choice that day, the only thing I would have done was hold you back and slow you down. Mark, you lived through hell and somehow walked out alive. There wasn’t a chance I was going to be that person to you.”

I suck in air. “You made it to Notre Dame! Walked on as the starting quarterback.” Everything in me rises to the surface. All eight years worth. “I was only ever going to be in that shop, covered in filth. Just a girl who can’t fucking read.” I shrug as one tear rolls out. “I could’ve never kept up with you. I wanted you to soar, not be the weight that tied you down.”

The burn in my throat is so strong I’m not sure it won’t close up. I let the tears stream down my cheeks, no longer caring to hide them.

“When she showed up at the shop with a baby, asking for help, that was it. I gave up every hope of ever seeing you again. I knew if I told you, if I came to you and told you that sweet baby girl existed, you would’ve sacrificed everything for a person who never deserved you in the first place.” My voice breaks. “She never deserved you.”

I wipe my nose on my wrist. “So, I took Bree and cared for her until Linda could again. I didn’t know if she’d ever come back, if rehab would work, or if she’d stick it out, and if she did, that she’d stay sober. I’ve made sure Bree was healthy and safe because that’sexactlywhat you would’ve done.”

I match his stance, more convinced of that now than ever. “Right or wrong, I did it for you. Being anywhere near Linda would’ve pulled you so far into the dark. I would’ve rather spent my life without you than let that happen.”

He scoffs. “So, you left me, made me wonder if it was all a joke, if I made it all up, everything we had . . . to save me?” His voice is softer now, but the pain has never been more apparent.

“Maybe you can’t see. Maybe I was dead wrong in what I did. I couldn’t even breathe for months after you left. But I kept going, and I’d do it all over again if it meant saving you from ever returning to any part of the life you’d been pulled from.” I move one step closer. So close, but I don’t touch him. “I love you so much. I did then, and I love you even more now. I don’t care what I have to do. I willneverlet her or any part of that life touch you ever again.”

There was no one there to protect him when he was just a little boy. Even at eighteen, I’d sacrificed it all to make sure that never happened, and I do it again.

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