Page 108 of It's Always Us

When I don’t answer, he pulls away, his eyes meeting mine. I hold his face, running my thumb over his jaw, needing my head to stay clear. I guess we’re going there.

“I’m scared.” I drop it and let it sit there. And it does, for a few long seconds while he watches me.

He pushes my unruly hair behind my ear. “What are you afraid of?”

That’s the big question. The one I spend endless hours tossing over and over in my mind, and the list is overwhelming.

I think about Grandpa, the garage, the guys, and all the life I’ve lived in that little circle. My circle. The thought of leaving is sometimes too much to handle. Then there’s Bree, and that pit begins to open again, but I yank it shut. But it’s the two little beings counting on us to make sure everything is right for them that have me staring at the ceiling into the wee hours of the morning. The idea of not being able to share all of it with Mark causes my throat to swell.

I swallow, taking a second to let the fear claiming the number one spot float to the surface. The one tied down with uncertainty and the unknown. “I don’t think I can do this by myself . . . away from you.”

His forehead falls to mine. “You won’t have to. I’m right here.”

I bite my lip, trying to reel it all in. “For now, but we don’t know where you’ll be or what that will even look like for us. I lay in bed at night thinking, and I can’t stop. There are so many things we have to do and decide beyond that. We need two car seats. Two. And they won’t fit in my truck. Am I going to breastfeed? Do I want to? How will I work when I’ll be feeding one and then the other all day and night long? Their little crib thing probably won’t even fit in my room, so I’ll be sleeping on the floor in the—”

“Shhh.” Mark hushes me and kisses my forehead. “I’m sorry, Lex.” He rolls off me and pulls me close. “I’ve been so caught up in my own shit. I’m sorry I haven’t thought about what you’re going through and what they need.”

“I just . . . ” I start, but I don’t really know what to say.

“Baby, what do you want?”

I let out a slow breath and close my eyes, gripping the fear tight.

He tips my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “Tell me what you want. How does it look when you close your eyes?”

Oh, man. Seriously.One tear breaks loose, and he pushes it away with his thumb.Damn hormones.“I don’t know. Everything I thought I wanted . . . it’s all changing, and I don’t know what any of it means or what to do.”

Mark’s eyes roam over my face like the answer to his question lies underneath. He’s warm and safe, and when I’m with him, I believe everything will be ok. Maybe that’s just it. Somehow, with Mark, I’m ok being scared.

My mind scurries back through all the things Grandpa said about living life and not wasting time. He said he was selling the shop to Slade, and it’s not meant to be my future. I think somewhere deep down I want it all to be true. I don’t want to waste another second, and it’s difficult to imagine anything other than a future with Mark.

Little flutters in my belly make me brave, so I risk it and tell him what I see. “When I close my eyes . . . I see us with our babies building a life together.”

“I’ll give it up and move to Ohio.” His solution is quick and firm.

“Mark.” I pull away from him. “That’s not—”

“No, listen to me. I’ve played in the NFL. I’ve made millions of dollars doing what I love . . . for years. How many people get to say that, Lex? But all I’ve ever wanted was to be with you. Now . . . ” His hand moves under my shirt and lays flat against my stomach. “Theyare the only thing that matters. I won’t miss this. I won’t miss being with them. With you. I can’t do that again. So, if you need to be in Ohio, that’s what we’ll do.”

“No.” I don’t even have to think about that. “No, you can’t come back to Ohio.”

He smiles. “If you’re there, then that’s where I’ll be.”

“Mark, you escaped. You made it out of the place that reminds you—”

“Then you’ll come with me.” His grin widens.

“I want you to keep playing as long as you want to. You love it. It’s why I—”

He pulls me to his chest. “Then come with me. After the babies are born, we’ll figure out how to get you under a hood.”

“But these babies are coming, and you’ll be training and heading right into the season with a new team. You won’t be able to be up all night helping me. You’ll be gone all the time.”And I’ll be left in a new place alone with two babies.

His chest contracts as he sighs, knowing I’m right. We lie together in silence.

“Ok. Come on. Get up.” He throws the sheet off.

“What?”

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