Page 62 of His Secret

“Sure.”

He stands in the doorway. “You ready to order?”

“Is there a menu?”

Strutting in, he goes to the dresser and picks up a folder, pulling out a menu. “I’m ordering from here.”

After handing it to me, he stands near my bed as I look it over. I’m too focused on his presence to actually read it the first time, so I look it over again, this time paying attention.

I relay my order to him and he walks out. I hear his voice on the phone in the other room, and then silence.

When there's a knock on the main door, I get out of bed and make my way to the living area.

We gather our food, and I take mine to the small table in between the living room and kitchen. Matías looks like he’s gonna join me, but then stops himself.

“I’ll probably eat in my room.”

I snort, shaking my head. “Of course.”

“What?” he questions.

“I knew I shouldn’t have asked for a hug. You’ve gone all weird on me.”

He steps forward. “What do you mean?”

“All day today you’ve avoided looking at me. You didn’t speak to me. You acted as though I wasn’t around.”

“What do you want me to do, Adrian?” he exclaims, coming forward to drop his food on the table. “You’re married!”

“I know!” I yell, putting my fork down. “I fucking know that. The wordsI’m marriedrun through my head over and over every time I look at you.”

“I ignored you because the alternative is to touch you. To hold you. To steal you away and bring you up here so I can have my way with you. I had to ignore you, because my thoughts were running away with fantasies and ideas I’m not welcome to. I ignored you to keep from making you do something you might regret.”

I exhale and look up at him. “I could never regret you. I’ve never regretted any moment with you, Matías.”

He begins to shake his head. “Don’t. Don’t open the door. Don’t make me think there’s a chance.”

I stand, running a hand through my hair. With a sigh, I say, “I don’t know what’s possible between us. At times I feel like maybe nothing, but at others, I hope for the most incredible future. The two thoughts have been at war in my mind for a long time.”

Matías chews on the inside of his bottom lip, watching me for what feels like forever before he speaks.

“You’re still hiding who you are. You’ve somehow painted yourself into a life that you will never find happiness in. Tell me, have you ever been happy?”

“I was at my happiest with you.”

His shoulders sag a little, and his head tilts. “But you’re not happy now.”

I exhale, throwing my hands up. “I’m fine. I’m…content, I guess. My life could be worse.”

“That’s not a way to live, Adrian.”

“I know,” I say a little too sharply. “I know,” I repeat, my tone quieter. “But I don’t know what to do.”

“I think the problem is that you know exactly what you have to do, and it frightens you.”

With a sigh, I rub my forehead, looking down at the ground. “The things that I do know, do terrify me. You’re right.” I look at him. “I know I want you. Right now. I want tokiss you and touch you. I want what we had before, and I want more. That is terrifying for many reasons.

“I’ve always tried to be a good guy, and Charlotte doesn’t deserve the lies and deceit, but I struggle with who to care about more. Her or myself? For years, she’s been the focus. I’ve never allowed myself to be authentic—to be happy, and now here we are. You stand before me, the embodiment of happiness. Every meaningful and joyous memory I have is wrapped up in you. Tell me how I walk away from that. Tell me how I can look at you and remember the only time I’ve felt happy and loved, and be strong enough to deny myself those feelings again. It’s hard not to feel selfish, Matías. Not when I’ve gone my whole life living for other people.”

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