Page 78 of Tempting Him

“Uh-oh.”

I laugh. “It’s not bad. Come on. I’ve missed you.”

Silence sits heavy between us. It’s the first time I’ve said that, though not the first time I’ve felt it.

“Okay. I’m coming.”

Half an hour later, Jay’s at my door, and when I let him in he steps forward, wrapping an arm around my waist as he kisses my neck. I put a hand on his lower back, keeping him close before encasing him in my arms completely.

“Oh, you missed me, missed me.”

I snort. “Shut up.”

“Let’s cuddle,” he says, taking my wrist and tugging me to the couch on the balcony.

Outside, I sit in the corner of the small sectional, one leg outstretched on the cushions as Jay settles between my thighs, his back to my chest as his long legs stretch to the end of the couch. He wiggles and then rests his head on my chest.

“This is nice.”

I rest a hand on his hip before moving it down to caress his upper thigh. “I agree.”

We sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before he speaks up. “What did you want to talk about?”

I clear my throat. “Well, I’m not too sure how to begin, but you know how I told you I’ve been doing some self-reflecting?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to know that what you said about internalized homophobia really hit home and whether that’s what it is, or just self-hate, something is definitely affecting me, and I’ve made appointments with a therapist back home. I’m wanting to be better.”

He grabs my hand and squeezes. “I’m happy for you.”

“I also have a confession.”

“Should I be scared?”

“No,” I answer with a chuckle. “Remember when you came over while you were drunk?”

He groans. “Mostly.”

“Do you remember when you said you’d never look at me differently?”

“Yeah.”

“It made me think. You’ve done so much. Everything I’ve told myself I’d never do for whatever dumbass reason I thought made sense, and not once, ever, did I think of you like I’ve assumed I’d think of myself. My dad called me a bitch, a sissy, and many other awful things I don’t want to repeat. I’ve been doing or not doing whatever I thought would keep me from being those things. I realize the ignorance, but those thoughts are threaded in my brain.”

Jay shifts, turning to face me. “It is ignorant. Bottoms in male/male relationships shouldn’t be demeaned and called names. I’m aware of the stereotypes. I know people assume one person has to be the ‘woman’ in the relationship, and therefore they’re supposed to be effeminate and whatever,” he slices his hand through the air, annoyed. “But there’s no one way to be in a queer relationship.”

I take his hand. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve not been the best version of myself, and to be honest, I don’t know what that is yet. I just hope to get there. But you were right, I’ve never had any negative or bad feelings about you. In fact, I’ve felt jealous. I’ve wished numerous times to be more like you.”

“I’m glad you’re like you, though.”

I grin. “I’m glad you like me despite my flaws.”

“What was the confession?”

“Oh.” I feel my cheeks heat slightly. “I kissed you.”

His eyes bulge. “What? When?”

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