Page 110 of Reclaiming Adelaide

“What the hell did I do to deserve this?” I whispered, shaking my head. “What did they do to deserve this?”

This wasn’t right.

It wasn’t fair.

Jake sat me down, my body numb, my hands hanging limply at my side. Agony paralyzed me from the inside out, burning a hole through my gut and searing my flesh with anguished sobs. If it weren’t for him, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find my way or make my feet move.

A man in a long white robe placed his hands on the podium, his fingers wrapping around the sides like they were his anchor. A purple cloth hung around his neck down to his waist and would sway side to side as he moved.

“Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today…”

I covered my mouth and wept in silence as he spoke about the sanctity of life and how the blessed are only resting from their work in God.

Jake wrapped his hand in mine and rested it on his muscular thigh. His other hand covered the one he held. His thumb caressed my wrist with a welcomed distraction.

I pulled in on myself, tugging my conscious self into the deep recesses of my mind until I’d lost myself in thoughts that weren’t of death and sadness.

Waist-high grass slipped through my fingertips as I walked through a field. The bright sun burned my eyes, making me squint at the illusion forming before me. A vast ocean in the middle of a meadow—out of place in the scene like me. I walked up to my hips in the crisp, cool waters, the gentle waves lapping at my belly as little fish gathered around me. The sky darkened, casting violent shadows into the water surrounding me.

Something nudged my elbow, pulling me away from my internal sanctuary with a gasp.

“Adelaide, did you want to say something?”

“Huh?”

“The pastor wants to know if you want to say a few words?”

I glanced up, first to Jake, then to the caskets up front, and shook my head.

Auntie Mable stood from her seat, her now husband beside her, and walked towards me with a paper in her hand.

“Adelaide, come stand with me.”

My stomach bottomed out as I stared at her hand, the little gold ring I’d seen a million times, around her ring finger. I shook my head as I pictured myself standing in front of everyone, their eyes spearing me in the chest.

“Come say a few words about your parents.”

My breaths staggered as I looked at Jake and back to her wrinkled, uncalloused hand. I couldn’t go up there.

I stood, wrenching my hand from Jake’s, and ran down the aisle—leaving my aunt standing dumbfounded.

My heart clenched, pressing down on my lungs as shocked gasps and murmurs followed me. I burst through the door, throwing them wide until they smashed into the wall behind them with a thunderous boom.

The strength I’d gathered to race out of there dwindled, and I nearly crumbled down the cemented steps had it not been for the metal railing in the center. I used the rail at the bottom of the steps to catapult myself around and sprinted up the inclined sidewalk in unforgiving heels.

“Adelaide, wait,” Jake shouted behind me.

I ran until my lungs gave out, leaving me panting on the side of the dirty street, the church doors still in view. He rushed up behind me as I bent over, clutching my chest, searching for the air not given freely, for the peace I sought. My hands trembled as I collapsed on the sidewalk, stained with blackened spots made of chewing gum. “How did it come to this, Jake? How can this happen? They didn’t deserve this.”

He sank beside me, balancing on his haunches, and rubbed my shoulders. “Some things are not made for us to understand.”

“Don’t give me that blanket bullshit answer,” I snapped.

“It’s true, Adelaide. You’ll have to learn how to handle the shit end of the stick sometimes.”

A pinched nerve fired off between my shoulder blades as I drew in a deep, ragged breath. Was that what I needed to hear instead of some syrupy sweet answer telling me life would be okay with time? Jake knew not to gloss over their death and how it broke me down to nothing but a grain of sand washed out to sea—flailing around without control.

“What do you need from me, Adelaide?”

---