Page 87 of Her Counterfeit Christmas
My knee bounces, but I don’t realize it until Tori groans in her sleep. Too agitated to stay still, I pace the room while I chew on my thumbnail, thinking through the two options: marry Spencer or don’t marry Spencer.
The more difficult road is breaking off my engagement. I’ve never shied away from hard work, but taking back all my debts is bleak. For one week, I was free. Now the financial demands feel like manacles around my feet.
Unfortunately, as I wear a line through the carpet, I knownotmarrying Spencer is the path that will make me happier in the long run. Marrying him is trading one type of prison for another. I choose the financial prison over being locked in a loveless marriage.
It takesa few hours for me to build up the courage to talk to Spencer. I made a promise. I don’t want to go back on my word, but there is more at stake here than disappointing him.
I have to tell him my decision now. I can’t wait until we return to Utah. It’s not fair to either of us, especially because the family is meeting with Rheta’s lawyer tomorrow, and she promised me a gift. I can’t accept anything from her when I know I won’t be part of the family in the future.
Tori’s still asleep on my couch, so I shut the door behind me with a soft click. All is quiet downstairs. I’m not sure if Spencer is still working, so I check his bedroom first. There is no answer to my knock.
I head downstairs. The house is dark, the remnants of the party waiting until tomorrow to be cleaned up. The office door is open. Spencer is inside, as are Gerald and Ellory. Even though Spencer told me building the case is going well, it seems they still need to spend fourteen hours a day on the thing. Seeing their slouched shoulders and weary expressions makes me tired.
“Spencer?”
He looks up and suppresses a yawn. “Layla. I thought you went to bed hours ago.”
“I need to talk to you.”
He stretches his arms above his head and stands. “I was about to take a break outside. I need the cold air to wake me up. Want to join me?”
I follow him toward the door, but not before taking the blanket from the back of the couch.
The moment I walk out on the deck, I’m surrounded by white. It snowed over the last few hours. A day late for Christmas, but it still brings me joy. I twirl with my hands out to my sides, and watch big, soft flakes tumble from the gray sky. For a few moments, I forget my reason for being here, until Spencer speaks.
“What did you want to talk to me about? Is Owen bothering you again?”
My joyful snow twirl halts, and I move to stand next to him under the shelter of the eaves. I don’t know how to say what I need to say in any way other than blunt. “I can’t marry you.”
It’s always fascinated me how clouds reflect light back to earth, making it seem lighter than the hour would suggest. Spencer’s narrowed eyes and pinched lips are visible, and I wish they weren’t. I hate how I’ve failed him, but I’d hate to fail myself even more.
“We have an agreement.”
“I wish I could marry you. It would definitely make my life easier, but what we have is a counterfeit engagement that will turn into a marriage where we are nothing more than roommates. I can’t help but see that down the road we’ll make each other miserable.”
He looks off into the distance, his jaw set, his hands in his pants pockets. “Misery is a decision. We decide to be happy and we’ll be happy.”
I can’t tell if he’s being purposefully blind or if he truly believes it’s that easy. Maybe for him, it would be. Work is his first love, and if he only saw me for a few hours on the weekend, then maybe that’s all he needs to be happy. Except, he deserves to be loved just as much as I do. Even if he doesn’t want that for himself, I wish it for him.
“Spencer, there is someone out in the world waiting for a man like you. I don’t want to rob you of the opportunity to love and be loved.”
“How altruistic of you,” he says with a touch of sarcasm. “Except I don’t want to marry for love. I told you about my father.”
“Your father mistakes infatuation for love and he’s given you a false idea of what to expect from marriage. When two people marry for love, they make sacrifices and they don’t give up on each other. Like my grandparents and yours.”
“In my experience, that is the exception, not the rule.”
What a bleak outlook on relationships. If I believed like he did, I would spend all my time at work, too.
When he speaks again, his voice is pleading. “Layla, friendship can endure longer than love if you’d give us a chance. Let me prove it to you.”
I think of Tori sleeping upstairs. The probability of us ending up like her and her ex-husband is greater than married bliss. Especially when I feel like I do about Owen. That isn’t fair to either of us. Spencer believes he wants this marriage, but for the good of both of us, I have to refuse.
“I can’t,” I whisper.
Suddenly agitated, he rakes both hands through his hair. “This is because of Owen, isn’t it? He swayed you intobelieving he’s a better man than I am. Don’t fall for his lies. He’s a layabout who can’t keep a job.”
“This decision is about me and what I want for my future. I thought I could sacrifice love for security, but I can’t do it.” I shouldn’t bring Owen up, but I don’t like what Spencer said about him. He should know the truth. “Owen isn’t a layabout. He’s not just a landscaper, he owns the business. You might know this if you gave him a chance.”
