Page 71 of Hero for the Holidays

“I know. But then I didn’t have them and... I didn’t have anyone. I’m the one who asked my social worker if they could look for my biological parents.”

“You...you did?”

“What’s the point of even being adopted if your biological parents can’t come rescue you?” She sniffed again. “And then he did. And I’m so afraid... I’m so afraid that he won’t want me if I’m not good enough.”

Fia’s heart broke right then. Into tiny little shards that cut her inside.

“Landry has wanted you since before you were born,” she said, her voice catching. “You...you have to believe that. He would never not want you.”

“And then you’re here. You’rehere. When he came to get me, I didn’t even want to ask him about you. I was afraid that maybe you were dead, and I couldn’t stand hearing that my biological mother was dead. Because I already lost my real mother and... I’m sorry. I just...”

“I’m not dead.”

“But you didn’t want me.” Her voice was small. “I was never upset about that, not ever, because I knew you gave me to good parents and I didn’t think I’d need you, but I need you now and it scares me.”

Fia felt tears well up in her own eyes, but she didn’t want to shed them, because the poor girl was already feeling out of sorts, and watching an adult cry was likely to send her over the edge. If there was one thing that Fia did remember from being a thirteen-year-old girl it was that her own emotions were uncomfortable enough. She really didn’t need a trusted adult’s emotions thrown into the mix. And a strange adult? For all that Lila was expressing her desire to know them. To love them, it was most definitely a strange adult kind of situation.

But she felt gutted, because that was her fear. That Lila was afraid Fia hadn’t wanted her.

“I wanted you,” she whispered. “But I wanted to be a different person for you. And I didn’t see a way I could do that. So I had to give you to someone else. I didn’t want you to have to grow up while I tried to do the same. And I don’t know if I’m grown up enough now, or good enough or...anything. But I do know that I love you. I have loved you since I knew you existed. Standing up to the boy I loved, fighting for the future I thought you should have, was the hardest thing I ever did.”

“I know. I...I was raised to respect what you did for me. My parents wanted to make sure I knew I hadn’t been abandoned or unloved. They always said I had more love in my life, not less. But then...you have a life. And I wasn’t part of it, so it makes me scared that you’ll decide you won’t like...me.”

“Every decision I’ve made from the moment I knew about you was for you. And even when it cost, it was worth it. Landry and I have decided to adopt you. To make you ours. I promise you, I will stand as firmly in this as I did in giving you to your parents all those years ago. It was hard, Lila. I wanted to snatch you back, but I didn’t. I knew what I had to do for you, and I did it. And this? This is for you and for me. This gives me back something I lost. I love you. I have loved you. I will love you.”

She promised it, like a vow. A refrain. One that came from the depths of her.

“Have you told Landry any of this?” she asked.

“No. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to keep me. Why would I want that? I don’t want that. You guys gave me up. But when he came to get me, he said he never wanted to give me up, and then I kind of hoped that maybe... It was something that he really wanted.”

“Let me tell you something, it was never a matter ofwanting. Landry really wanted you. I really wanted you, but for me it was a matter of knowing what I wasn’t capable of. But I’m twenty-nine now. I have a financially solvent business. I’m not a sixteen-year-old freaking out and crying every time some girl talks to Landry.”

Lila shifted away from her, back to the swing. “You were seriously in love with him, weren’t you?”

That cut like a knife.

“Yeah. I was. I was very seriously in love with him. But it was not healthy. It was very toxic. If we were a YA book people on the internet would cancel us.”

Lila laughed, watery and shaky. “Oh no. Please don’t talk about cancel culture. Stop. It’s what everyone does to try to be relevant.”

“I was just making a joke.”

“Well, whatever. It’s played out.”

“Sorry,” she said.“Scathing.”

“I’m thirteen. Scathing is kind of my vibe.”

“Right. Great.” She let out a long breath. “We both want you. And there’s no question of returning you. We are absolutely 100 percent committed to this. Because I know there’s legal paperwork required for us to actually make you ours. But the thing is, you are. You’re ours.”

“I don’t know... It’s hard.”

“I get it. You probably feel like you’re not being loyal to Jack and Melissa. To your mom and dad. But you didn’t choose to lose them. You’re in a really difficult place. One that nobody ever wants to be. But you’re in a lucky one too. Because you fell, but you have a safety net. Two other parents who really want you. Who want to have you. Who...who love you already, Lila.”

“How? You don’t even know me.”

“I didn’t know you when you were growing inside of me either. I didn’t know you when I held you in the hospital. For just a few seconds, before I handed you to your mom. I didn’t know you then, but I loved you. And every decision that I made was all about how much I loved you.”

---