Page 60 of Hero for the Holidays

He found himself considering that position she found herself in yet again. The matriarch in many ways. This woman who was strong enough to hold her own with men. He had never appreciated how much more work she did. There was so much he didn’t know. Hadn’t considered. She made him feel like he’d been walking through the world with blinders.

And maybe it wasn’t narcissism.

But damn, righteous anger was a hell of a drug. And it didn’t make your vision clear.

“Well, I don’t like the idea of being an emotional preschooler. Particularly not given that I’m raising a thirteen-year-old who has to be a woman in the world. I need you. You know that right. Because I don’t know whatperiod underwearis, and I don’t know how to navigate all this. I didn’t have a woman in my life for long enough. And poor Arizona had to acclimate to what we were. Feral.”

“Well, I want to be part of this. Of Lila. Of her life and your life.”

“Maybe tonight would be a good night for her to spend the night,” he said slowly.

“Really?”

And he felt something inside of his chest loosen. A fist.

“I’m not in control of this, or her. I have to stop thinking of myself as the primary parent. I’m ashamed, Fia. Of myself. Because the truth is, that part of me was firmly rooted in my seventeen-year-old thinking. But I am a grown man. And I can certainly look around and see that this is different than I thought it was. And that what I wanted was...” He sat there for a long moment, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say next. Because it had been a feeling inside of him and nothing more for a very long time.

“Back then I wanted a sure thing. I wanted firm ground. Because I didn’t have anyone who felt safe in my life. My mom left, my dad was volatile. And you and I felt so fragile. I saw a kid as something that would glue us together. I saw it as a simple, uncomplicated love. I could just love a child and they would love me. Hell, I loved my dad even though he hurt me. And I was convinced that I would never hurt a child of mine. Not ever. I was certain of that. And now here I am with her, she’s thirteen and she’s complicated. The love that I feel for her is so all-consuming, so intense. It’s painful and brilliant all at once. I know that I couldn’t handle it then. But I was so desperate. I was so desperate for something that felt cut-and-dried. But this isn’t, of course. It never was. I was a fool to think that I could...”

“You wanted to control something.”

“Yes. And most of all, I wanted you to look at me and see a hero. Because I wanted so badly to be a different kind of man than my dad was, even then. And you saying we weren’t in the right place to raise a baby felt like you rejecting me, as the father to your child, as your boyfriend. It made me feel like I couldn’t possibly be better than my old man. That made me feel like I must be a liability. And so yeah, I made you the bad guy, because I didn’t want to be.”

He took a deep breath, and he felt like there was ground-up glass in his chest. He could barely breathe.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

The words were simple, a balm for those wounds.

He felt differently now than he had a few days before. It was amazing what a conversation could do.

Well. And a very strong motivation to actually listen to each other.

They just hadn’t had it before. They had no reason to forgive each other, and now, they did.

Though he did feel in the end of all things, he was the one who possibly needed forgiveness more.

He might’ve had his reasons, but that didn’t mean he’d behaved right.

“Well, I can ask her if she wants to stay at your house for a couple of days, do her school there. You’re right. There’s no reason she can’t.”

“Thank you,” she said.

They finished the drive in companionable silence. And for the first time in a very long time, he felt like he’d said the right thing to Fia Sullivan. Even more important, he felt like he’d done the right thing.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“ITHINKWEshould have a birthday party for Lila.”

“Her birthday isn’t until May. Also, Thanksgiving is in two weeks.”

Fia sighed and crunched her phone between her shoulder and ear as she straightened up a display in the farm store, keeping one eye out the window on Lila, who was standing in a group of chickens with a look of delight on her face. “I know. But she turned thirteen in foster care, and I just think that we need to make sure that something special happens to mark that. She needs a real birthday party. With her family.”

Landry made a musing sound on the other end of the phone. It was weird how much she talked to him now. They had talked more in the last few weeks than they ever had. In all honesty, their teenage relationship had not been based on conversation. It had been hormones and feelings. Alotof feelings. But feelings all the same.

“Yeah. That sounds like a good idea. Who all would we want to invite?”

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