Page 85 of Hero for the Holidays

Which was a real libido killer.

Orshouldbe.

But he’d been on edge ever since.

He knew that it was not what he should be thinking about now.

But he found he did. At least once a day.

Maybe because his life didn’t look anything like it had just a few months ago, and he was still blown away by that. Still completely flabbergasted by the truth of it.

He and Fia had both gotten calls about the date.

They were doing it together.

The social worker understood their situation, and she had been very supportive of them and the whole process. It had been fairly expedited as far as these things went. But considering that Lila had no other guardians or prospective guardians, it had been pretty easy.

Lila, for her part, seemed subdued about heading up to Portland.

“Aren’t you excited?” he asked. “Adoption! IMAX theaters.”

“It’s just weird,” Lila said.

Of course it was. Because for her, it had been home once upon a time and now it wasn’t.

“Sorry,” he said.

She shook her head. “It’s okay.” She paused for a moment. “Landry, I have to tell you something.”

For some reason that made him hold on to his breath. “What’s that?”

“I actuallydowant to be here. I did want you to find me. And I was afraid that once you did you wouldn’t actually want me. So I pretended like I didn’t care. I felt guilty too. Guilty finding a way to be happy when...”

He understood that. His whole life was tangled up in that kind of emotion.

“Don’t feel guilty.”

“Fia already talked to me about it. I told her... I told her about this. At the birthday party, I told her how much I wanted to find both of you.”

Fia had told him some of this, of course. He was grateful she’d been there for Lila. That she’d been the right person for Lila to reach out to then. He appreciated Fia in that moment on a level he hadn’t yet.

For her intuition as a mother.

She had it all along, you just didn’t appreciate it when it conflicted with what you wanted.

She always knew what Lila needed.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” he said, his throat tight. “I’m glad that you want me.”

“I’m afraid of going back there. I’m afraid I’m going to have too many memories. I’m afraid I might forget how to be happy here. Because I’ve been happy. I don’t want to lose that.”

“Lila,” he said. “You can be happy here. You deserve it. That’s what Jack and Melissa would’ve wanted for you. Your mom and dad loved you. More than anything. Look at the way that Fia was. How she said she was glad that you didn’t miss us. That’s the way that parents love their kids. Fia understood that earlier than I did. She understood that really loving someone is selfless. It’s not about what you get back from it. It’s just about that love. That’s why Fia gave you to your mom back then, and hoped that you would be happy without her. You have to know that your mom would want that for you now. Your dad would too. It’s what I would want for you, Lila. If you hated it here, I would want you to go be where you could be happiest.”

He realized then that wherever that was, he’d follow her. Because he would sell out. He would move to Portland. He would live in a suburb. He would uproot his entire life and everything he’d ever imagined he was for her.

Being her dad was a bigger part of him than anything else he’d ever been.

“I’ll sell the ranch,” he said. “My stake in it. I’d move wherever you wanted me to. I’d live with you here or Portland, wherever.”

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