Page 27 of Hero for the Holidays

He hadn’t known how to do this, and he’d put both Lila and Fia in a terrible position. He’d fucked up. Because he hadn’t been able to see this from any perspective but his own, and Fia’s words hit him hard now.

He was thirty.

If he didn’t stop seeing this like a seventeen-year-old, he wouldn’t be able to do it right.

But that was so tangled up in his own issues. His need to believe he could have done it all right back then made it hard for him to have any new perspective on it now.

Or maybe he resisted it because he didn’t want to change. Since change would be a lot like admitting he was wrong.

“Lila,” said Fia, and a tear slid down her cheek. “I didn’t know that you were here. Until today.”

Lila looked at Landry. “She didn’t know I was here?”

“It’s complicated,” said Landry.

He’d messed up. Big time. And he could see it, clearly. On Lila’s face. On Fia’s.

“How is itthatcomplicated?” Lila asked.

“Landry and I don’t have a relationship,” said Fia. “Not... Not now. So, his information was at the adoption agency, but mine wasn’t. I wasn’t informed about what happened with you. He acted independently.”

“I realized I needed to talk to you about it sooner rather than later, but then Fia came by today...”

“Which actually was not entirely unusual.”

He rounded on her. “It waswhollyunusual. You never come over here.”

“Whatever,” said Fia. “It’s just... This is how it happened. And we decided... I... Lila,” Fia said, “I want to be in your life too. And I can understand that Landry was trying to introduce new things to you slowly. Even if I do wish that he had told me in the beginning.”

Lila looked between them. “I... I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Landry said.

“It’s not like I didn’t know I had a bio mom out there. I’ve always known I was adopted. My parents were really honest with me about that. But I never dreamed about meeting you.”

It was that same matter-of-fact, cutting honesty that had gotten him right at first. But it didn’t seem like it cut Fia.

“I am so grateful to Jack and Melissa. For the way they parented you. I am so grateful that you didn’t want to find me. Because all I wanted for you was to give you the best life. All I wanted for you was for you to have the best parents. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing anything. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing me.”

That right there was one of the most unselfish things he’d ever heard anyone say, and it just about knocked him over. He really preferred his self-righteous anger.

She was right. It was simple. It allowed him to feel justified. It allowed him to channel all of this pain into something pure and easily digestible. Easy to understand.

When all of these things seemed more nuanced now. When he was faced with the fact that what was on Fia’s face right now was not indifference. Not even close.

It was love. The kind of love that had made a hard decision.

His own ego had been bruised when his daughter had told him she hadn’t felt the lack of him in her life.

The evidence of Fia’s honesty was in this moment. That what she wanted really was for Lila. And not for herself.

That she was relieved,happy, to know that her child had never wanted in any way.

That she wasn’t challenged or harmed or bruised by the assertion.

“I knew your mom and dad,” she said slowly. “They were such good people. And they wanted you so much. And that was exactly what I wanted for you. Parents who were ready. We wanted you. But we weren’t ready.”

Part of him wanted to fight against that. To say that he’d been ready. But he was caught up short by what she’d said. About how much she had wanted Lila. And that much was true. They hadn’t planned on having Lila, but she was wanted. Loved. They had disagreed about what was best, and it had been a stark disagreement. One that had created a rift that had carried them both forward until this moment.

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