Page 126 of The Breaking Point

I was just bitter that, when she’d done my tarot reading, she’d pulled Death, the Ten of Swords, and the Four of Pentacles. In her interpretation, the cards meant I needed to let go of my anxiety and start opening up to people.

“You’re going through a big transformational phase,” Trina had said. “The Death card could mean the death of a phase in your life, or the death of a relationship. It’s painful, but necessary. I always tell people not to fear the Death card. You can’t have darkness without light, of course.”

I didn’t want to hear those things right then, because all it told me was that I needed to let go of Brady. And I just couldn’t bring myself to do that.

No matter how far I went, no matter where I ran to, he’d follow me. If not physically, then in my heart. It was like he’d taken root inside me, and now it was impossible to decipher where I started, and he began.

That afternoon, I managed to sneak out before Trina noticed and tried to join me on my hike. I pushed myself until I was panting and sweating like crazy. I’d never taken this particular trail. My calves and feet were burning by the time I got to the top. I stood there for a while, taking in the view, breathing deeply.

When I returned for dinner, Kris, one of our instructors, took me aside.

“You seem far away,” she remarked. “Are you all right?”

I forced myself to smile. “I’m fine,” I lied.

“Mmm, you don’t seem relaxed after a retreat where the point is to, in fact, relax.”

Kris gestured for me to sit down. I took her invitation, knowing that she was right.

“I could tell you had a lot of baggage hanging over you on your first day,” Kris said, “and I hoped you could start to unpackit. But it seems like you haven’t even started to unpack your feelings. What’s holding you back?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t let go of him. Brady. I still love him, even when I know it’s not meant to be.”

“How do you know it’s not meant to be?”

I gave her a shorter version of our story, including me seeing Tatiana going into his apartment that night.

“It sounds like this is all unresolved. What would happen if you talked to Brady? Knew for a certainty that he’s moved on? Because you don’t know if he and that woman were sleeping together,” Kris pointed out.

I shook my head. “I can’t get my hopes up,” I whispered.

“Hope is never a bad thing. But not resolving what’s bothering us, never getting closure when closure is possible ...” Kris’s gaze was direct now. “I think you’re afraid of hearing an answer you won’t like.”

“Of course I am. Who wouldn’t be?”

“Or maybe you just need to forgive this man. It sounds like you’re holding on to a lot of anger toward him. But what does that accomplish? You’ll never be able to heal your own body if your mind is imprisoned with anger.”

I knew Kris was right. I also knew that I was afraid. I was afraid of a world without Brady. That thought alone made me want to cry and scream in anguish.

“I think you need to talk to Brady. Have everything out on the table. And let go of blaming him for something that wasn’t his fault. Your brother was the one who decided to drive that night, not Brady,” said Kris quietly.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I realized I’d been misplacing my anger onto Brady, when who I should be angry with was Ben.

He’d been drunk that night. He’d been the one to go for that drive. What if he’d hurt or killed somebody else? Was it really Brady’s fault that he just handed my brother the keys?

I blew out a breath. “I don’t even know where to begin,” I admitted.

“Just one step at a time. I know you can do it.” Kris put a hand on my shoulder. “And then, once you have that conversation with Brady, you can come back here again to start the real healing.”

I was itching to get back to LA by the end of the retreat. I could tell that Kris was amused by how distracted I was, but I didn’t care.

I knew I wanted to forgive Brady. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t angry with him anymore. I wanted to tell him I still loved him, and that I wanted to fight for our relationship.

And if Tatiana was still around, I’d fight for Brady anyway. At this point I’d fight anyone who stood in my way.

I tried calling Brady before I started the drive down to LA, but he didn’t pick up. I texted him, then left him a voicemail. As I drove, I kept glancing at my phone, hoping he’d call me back.

But he was radio silent. That hope I’d been clinging to was slowly slipping through my fingers.

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