Page 20 of Curves and Courage

I look away, unable to bear the pain in her eyes. “Because of what I did. Because of who I am.”

She reaches out, her hand warm and soft against my arm. She grounds me in a way that only she can. “What are you talking about, Samuel? You can tell me anything.”

“I haven’t been honest with you,” I say, swallowing hard on the lump in my throat. “Not completely. There’s something I haven’t told you, something that will change the way you see me. It’s what haunts my every minute, it’s what I’ve been running from. But I can’t run anymore.”

She waits, her hand still on my arm. Her touch is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I take a deep breath, feeling the tightness in my chest as I prepare to say the words that I’ve kept buried for so long.

“It was about two years ago,” I begin, my voice shaking. I’ve never talked about this before. Never. “I was leading my Navy SEALs, a special forces mission in the Middle East. We’re all trained for moments like this, and I was experienced with this task, so I took lead.”

I draw breath, trying my best to steady the pain in my head.

“I was the one giving orders. We were sent in to neutralize a high-value target, someone who was responsible for a lot of innocent deaths.”

The memories all come rushing back. The sights and sounds of that night playing out in my mind like a nightmare right here in the cabin. I can smell the dirt, hear the gunfire, the screaming children. Darkness and tension grips me as my body shakes. I relive every fucking moment.

“It was supposed to be a straightforward mission,” I continue, my voice barely above a whisper now. “We had a plan, every move calculated to the inch. But something went wrong. The plan fell apart and I made a call – a call I thought was the right one at the time – but it wasn’t. It was a mistake, a fatal mistake.”

I feel a tremor run through me, my hands shaking as I try to hold it together.

“Three men died on my command. All because of the instruction I gave.”

Stella’s hand tightens on my arm, her eyes wide with shock and sorrow, but she doesn’t say anything. She just lets me talk, let me get it all out.

“I’ve blamed myself every day since then,” I admit, my voice breaking. “I can’t get their faces out of my head. It should have been me. These scars, this limp… it’s nothing compared to their sacrifice. Their families are grieving because of me. I’m the reason they don’t have their husbands, their fathers, their sons.”

Tears sting at the corners of my eyes and I clench my fists. The pain, the guilt, it’s all too much, and it’s been building up for too long.

“I can’t forgive myself, Stella. I won’t. I don’t deserve forgiveness, and that’s why I don’t deserve you. Why should I be happy when they never got that chance?”

The room falls silent, the only sound the ragged breath I’m trying so fucking hard to control. I keep my eyes on the floor, unable to look at Stella, too ashamed to face the woman I’ve come to care for more than I ever thought possible.

But then, I feel her hand on my cheek. Gentle and warm.

I can’t help but lean into it, craving the comfort she’s offering. When I finally find the courage to look up, I see tears in her eyes, but there’s no judgment. No blame.

Only love.

“Samuel,” she whispers, her hand holding my cheek. “It’s not your fault. You did everything you could. Sometimes… sometimes things just go wrong. But that doesn’t make it your fault.”

I shake my head, the weight of her words almost too much to bear. “But they’re dead. They’re dead because of me, Stella.”

She moves closer, her arms wrapping around me, pulling me into her embrace.

“You didn’t fail them,” she says, her voice fierce. “You’re not responsible for what happened. Those men knew the risks, just like you did. They knew the missions they were going on, and they trusted you to lead them.”

She grips my chin between her fingers and pulls me to face her.

“You honored their memory by surviving,” she says, a tiny smile offering a chance at peace. “You can honor them by carrying on, by being strong and fighting for freedom, just like they did.”

I hold her tight, burying my face in her shoulder as the tears finally break free. I’m shaking, sobs wracking my body, but she just holds me. Her hands run smoothly over my back, whispering words of comfort in my ear.

For the first time in a long time, I let myself feel everything. The pain. The guilt. The overwhelming sense of loss.

And I let Stella be there for me, let her comfort me in a way I never thought I deserved.

When the tears finally subside, I pull back enough to look into her eyes. “I’ve been so scared. I’ve been scared to let you in, ofletting myself feel this way about you. Because I didn’t think I deserved it. I didn’t think I could be the man that you need.”

She smiles softly. “You are the man I need. You’re strong, and brave, and you care so deeply about those who you love. That’s what makes you incredible. And that’s why I fell in love with you the moment we met.”

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