Page 77 of Unexpected Boyfriends

“That’s what he said,” I play it cool, like I haven’t caught on to his innuendo.

“Maybe we should test that out,” Justin suggests. “You know, just to be sure.”

Mentally I urge him to make the first move, but he still can’t. It’s disappointing, but I can’t expect too much too soon. It’s devastating to witness the impact on his confidence. He didn't used to be afraid to take the lead.

I take his hand and lead him to the bedroom.

Chapter 31

Wodonga

JUSTIN

Axel leads me to the bedroom and I follow willingly. I hate that I’m not able to initiate anything myself right now, but Axel seems to understand. He also seems to know what I need, and for the next two hours we make each other sweaty, dirty andloud.

Axel rolls off me, after coming for the second time, this time on my back. After the hand jobs we’ve been giving each other, I think we’ve proven without doubt there’s no-one within earshot. At least, no-one game enough to knock on our door and complain. We don’t take things any further than that because I think we both know this is as far as I can go right now. I’m running on adrenaline, but there are uncomfortable feelings rolling around in the background, and a sense of unease. At some point these feelings are going to have to be dealt with, but for the moment we need to keep up the pretense that everything is okay.

Axel comes back from the bathroom with a warm washcloth and cleans me up, but I’m already half out of it. I must havefallen asleep, because some time later when I open my eyes, I’m surprised to find myself alone and Axel nowhere to be seen.

I lie in bed, taking stock of how I feel, and surprisingly, I feel good. I feel sated… and I feel loved. That feeling keeps me warm and comfortable in bed for a while longer, until curiosity over where Axel is makes me restless.

Carefully I get out of bed. Pulling on clothes, because yes, it is cold here, I wander out in bare feet to the living room.

Axel is sitting outside on the back porch and he doesn’t hear me approach. There’s something about his posture that disturbs me. He’s hunched over, head in his hands and he’s… shuddering?

“Axel?” My voice sounds uncertain and small even to my own ears.

He looks up and I see his red-rimmed eyes and wet streaks down his cheeks. He looks at me with such pain and heartbreak in his eyes, and it frightens me. What is going on?

Axel gets up and comes to me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me suffocatingly close to his chest. The fabric of his shirt rasps across my nose.

“I’m so, so, sorry,” he whispers. “I had no idea you were going through all of that. I would have found a way to get to you if I’d known.”

I can’t see over his shoulder, but he shifts and I see around him to the table. I recognize the misshapen envelopes lying there.

“You found them? Where were they?”

He swallows hard, and sniffs. He doesn’t answer for a few moments.

“I wish I didn’t have to tell you this,” he starts, but continues brokenly, “I found them in my mother’s desk. She hid them from me.”

It feels like a slap in the face. I can’t help myself. I step back from him. The sense of betrayal is profound. It’s not Axel’s fault, but… I... I have to get away, I need some time to process this.

“Give me a minute,” I mutter, and stumble into the bedroom.I push the door shuthardbehind me, so Axel doesn't follow. I need a few moments alone.

Supporting myself against the wall, I draw in some deep breaths. For a few minutes I’m back there… the taunting, the shaming, the deprivation, and the overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair. There’s a loud buzzing in my ears and my vision goes, and I realize I’m about to pass out. I sink to the ground and put my head between my knees. I focus all my thoughts on my breathing,in2 3 4,out2 3 4,in2 3 4,out2 3 4…

Eventually I come back to myself. I take in a few deep cleansing breaths and open my eyes. The panic attack has passed. My heart rate slows its frenetic pace and I rest my head wearily against the wall.

It’s then that I remember that Axel is hurting too.

Fuck!

I jump to my feet, a little faster than is wise, and have to steady myself against the wall again as my head spins, before going out to find him.

He’s back outside, where he was sitting before, in almost the same posture as I found him last time. His shoulders are heaving as he quietly sobs. This discovery has gutted him and I feel a sense of shame that I ran away from him.

I plonk myself down in his lap and hold him close.

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