Page 72 of Unexpected Boyfriends

“I’m fine.” It’s only half a lie.

“Un-huh.” He sounds skeptical.

“I am, really. Just… there’s a lot of noise in my head. I have to keep shutting it down.”

It’s hard to explain, but Axel seems to understand. He gives my shoulder a squeeze.

“We’ll get you a therapist in Melbourne,” he promises. “That will help.”

I smile gratefully at him, though in the darkness I’m not sure he can see. I lay my head on his shoulder.

“Doesn’t matter what they did to my brain,” I whisper, “I still love you.”

He finds my lips with his, and murmurs “I love you too.”

AXEL

As we walk back to my house, we stop at the beach for a while, because I know it’s going to be a long time before we can be here again. I’ll miss the sea, the salty air, and the beach lifestyle, but Justin is my priority and, I strongly suspect, always will be. I’ll go wherever he needs me to go.

We spend some time sitting and talking, and then lying on the sand, staring up at the stars and being right here in the moment. The world is vast around us, and we seem like insignificant specks in such a mighty universe, our struggles comparatively petty and unnecessary. Now that I have him back, I don’t want to take my hands off Justin and I keep my arms around him. I take heart that he seems comfortable with the contact and doesn’t draw away from me anymore.

Eventually, it’s time to go home, and we silently collect our things and make our way hand in hand to the garden gate at the back of the house. Once I’ve assured myself that no-one is about, I sneak Justin in through the back door and into my room, where I lock the door, just in case.

Justin lies down on the bed and closes his eyes. He looks exhausted.

“Do you want something to eat?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “Just sleep.”

“Not yet,” I tell him, “Shower first.”

And I locate the toiletries I bought for him, hand him the pajamas I bought for him, and after checking there’s still no-onearound, lead him into the bathroom, and push him towards the shower.

He bites his lip, looking uncertain. Guessing what the problem is, I turn my back to him, and I hear the soft sound of fabric rubbing up against fabric as he undresses.

A moment later, Justin sighs in relief as the warm water cascades over him. I can't see him in any detail through the frosted showerscreen, but I can make out his outline as he lathers himself in soap in a slow, lazy manner.

"Ahh," he sighs, stretching. "This is... oh..."

"Good?" I supply for him.

"Mmm... better than. It's amazing." He groans and I wonder how long it is since he’s been able to relax this much.

"Turn your back to me," I urge, cautious about his boundaries, uncertain where they lie right now.

Opening the shampoo bottle, I lean into the shower and massage some into his golden-brown hair, so much darker for the months out of the sun, and from the way he pushes his head into my hands, he’s enjoying my touch. My clothes get all wet and soapy, but I don’t care. Anything I can do to make him feel better, I’ll do.

When he’s done showering, I hand him a towel, and stripping off quickly, step under the water myself. I hurry to wash myself, so that by the time he’s done dressing and brushing his teeth, I’ve finished.

Once safely back in my bedroom, I lock the door for the night and take a couple steps towards the bed. That's when I realize Justin hasn't moved and is still hovering near the door.

“It’s okay. Come here,” I whisper, holding out my hand to him, and encouraging him to join me on the bed.

I stay on top of the covers but encourage him to get in the bed. Heaven knows, he needs the sleep more than me.

Justin slides under the covers and sighs as he settles into the mattress. He closes his eyes and lies still for a minute or two, and I wonder if he’s already dropped off to sleep.

“Come, join me,” he says, opening his eyes suddenly, “I want us to be how we were before all this. Just, maybe, be a little patient with me.” He looks at me, expression a little weary, even a little sad, but I don’t see anything resembling fear or shame right now. I know it’s going to be a rollercoaster ride though, those hurtful feelings will be back. It's going to be difficult trying to judge when to be close and when to stay back.

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