Page 25 of Unexpected Boyfriends

By the time that’s done, it’s nearly lunchtime and I’ve run out of creative steam, so I set my artwork aside and help get ready for lunch. I spend the afternoon lying around the house, reading. I feel like I’m marking time, waiting. Which of course, I am. I’m waiting for my next chance to see Axel because right now, everything revolves around him. This is the most exciting thing to ever happen to me.

But when dinnertime rolls around, I still haven’t heard from him. I try to stop myself checking my phone all the time, but it’s hard. He still hasn’t been in touch by the time I’m getting ready for bed. Is he just busy? Maybe he had work to do? Is something wrong? I wonder if I should message him. Would that be too much?

Before climbing into bed, I pick up my phone from the dresser and start typing him a message. Then I delete it. I try again. I hesitate and before I can press SEND, I delete the message again. The clatter of the phone as it drops back onto the dresser reflects my mood and I go to bed.

I’m still awake at midnight. I feel uneasy, but I shrug it off. It's probably just that anxiety that creeps up on you in the middle of the night and which looks foolish in daylight. I check my phone again in case I missed something, but there’s still no messagefrom Axel. I remind myself he said he was busy. I switch the phone to silent and get back into bed.

Axel doesn’t text the next day either.

Or the next.

Or even the next.

By Friday, I know I won’t be hearing from him.

I’ve never had a broken heart before, and nothing,nothing, could ever have prepared me for this gut-wrenching, soulcrushing pain. It’s like being on the 20thfloor when the elevator floor tumbles away uncontrolled beneath your feet, like that moment of fear just before the rollercoaster makes its downward dash, like a gut-punch from your best friend. It's like someone has a grasp of my heart and is squeezing tighter and tighter. It’s every sick feeling I’ve ever felt and more. I'm stunned, dazed with disbelief, and my head spins with confusion and grief. We had something, right? I didn't simply imagine the whole thing?

Why would he do this? Lead me on then... nothing?

I want to throw up and I want to cry. I want to punch something and I want to scream.

But through it all, I keep my mask in place. No-one can know what is going on beneath my calm exterior. In my closet, there is no safe place to express my pain. I couldn’t anyway. Even under the covers at night, the tears that streak down my face are silent, because I can’t let go any more than that… the torrent would wash me away.

I thought I had found something. Clearly, I hadn’t. The loss of that something I hadn’t had is more devastating than I could ever imagine.

This is how a heart breaks.

Chapter 09

What have I done?

AXEL

I spend the week trying not to feel anything.

I shut the door on my feelings and pretend they don’t exist. But I’m not terribly successful.

Each morning I wake to the same depressing feeling weighing me down. I know each day is a day I hurt Justin, and it’s hard waking up to that knowledge and carrying it around with me until nighttime when I go to bed and pray that he finds peace in sleep. Because I don’t.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, every day is another day I hurt myself too, even though I tell myself I'm doing the right thing and for the right reasons. I keep myself busy working on some designs for a couple of my clients, but I lack inspiration and I end up tossing the half-finished jobs aside. I scarcely sleep. My nights are restless, and when I'm not tossing and turning, I lie awake for long lonely hours staring at the darkness.

I’m hurting him, and I’m hurting myself. But it was going to happen anyway, wasn’t it? I'm already settled into my adult life and he's only starting to find his way. There'll be so much changefor him in the next few years, he'll go in his own direction. How could he possibly know what he wants,whohe wants, when he's so young? So it's better to call it quits now, rather than later, when I’d have been even more emotionally invested.

That’s what I tell myself, but as each day passes and I don’t feel any better, it becomes harder and harder to convince myself.

I know I’ve lost something - someone - special.

******

I suppose it was inevitable that I would run into Justin somewhere. The summer holidays are still in full swing, so he wouldn’t have gone home yet, and the local community is serviced by one small village shopping centre.

It happens the day my cousin is visiting and insists I accompany her shopping. We’ve stopped at a boutique homewares store, when I notice him. He’s standing outside a shop on the other side of the road, but even from here there is no mistaking the look of deep sadness on his face. It hurts seeing it, knowing I’m responsible. And since his misery only mirrors my own, I feel mine even more.

Just then his grandmother comes out of the shop, and I see his mask go on. A perfectly neutral, perfectly bland expression sweeps over his face, as he slides on a pair of dark sunglasses concealing the heartbreaking emotion so clearly visible moments ago when he thought no-one was watching. As the two of them walk away down the street towards the junction, I feel the weight of regret in my chest. A drummer beats a steady tattoo in my head, and for a moment the bottom falls out of my stomach. I feel sick to my core.

Melinda finishes her perusal of the beach themed homewares on offer and putting her arm around my waist, gives an affectionate squeeze.

“Come on, let’s look in some of the other shops,” she says, not noticing my sudden attack of feelings. “I love all this beachy stuff but I don’t know if it’d really go in our house.”

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