Page 96 of Unexpected Boyfriends

“Justin, you’re always welcome in this house. Even if you and Axel can’t work things out. Though why that would be the case, I can’t imagine. That boy is smitten with you.”

“He told my dad he was sick of my drama,” I admit, through a hiccup.

Gran looks skeptical. “That doesn’t sound like Axel. Maybe he just got tired of how your parents were behaving and he’ll come home when he’s had a chance to cool off.”

But Axel doesn’t come back to the house.

I still have the phone he gave me, and I keep trying to contacthim with it, but he doesn’t call or reply to any of my texts, so I figure that tells me all I need to know.

???

There’s only a month of swot vac left, followed by the final school exams. I’m already behind in my studies because of all the disruption I’ve had this year. Even with special consideration, it’ll be a miracle if I get the necessary grades to get intoanyuniversity next year, so I don’t have the luxury of falling apart now.

Somehow, I hold myself together and immerse myself in my studies. Every waking moment is spent studying, preparing. And if I’m studying, I’m not thinking. And if I’m not thinking, I’m not feeling. And if I fall apart in bed each night, at least it doesn’t interfere with my education.

Somehow, I keep going. And somehow, I get through the exams. I’m exhausted by the end of it. I’m drained by the tremendous hours I’ve had to put in to get on top of all the missed study hours, the pressure of the exams themselves, and exhausted from continuously suppressing my emotions. After the exams, I sleep for two days solid, and then cry for two more.

Gran feeds me, and eventually kicks me out of my bedroom and makes me go on errands for her. I know what she’s trying to do, but I resist all the way. I’m drained by the entire year, and I’m despondent. It’s been too much. And the loss of Axel has left me adrift. Add the pressure of facing exams not fully prepared and I’m tumbling into a downward spiral. It gets harder to get out of bed every day. I want to lie there in the dark with the curtains drawn, blocking out the light and the sun. And goddamit, can’t those birds shut up? They’ve got no business being so damnchirpy. I get to the stage where even Gran can’t coax me out of bed.

When a doctor appears in my bedroom one day, I realize I’ve slipped so far I’m in trouble.

There’s talk of admitting me to hospital, but I don’t want to go. Finally, I agree to counseling and medication, and they agree not to admit me. For now.

The therapy and the tablets help. They dampen my emotions. But there’s no light in my life. Still, I can do basic functions again. I go out shopping, on errands, even catch up with some of my old school friends.

One day, friends convince me to go to the beach with them, but although the sand is a different color, the texture finer and there no waves here, the beach reminds me of Axel, and I go home feeling sadder than when I arrived.

Summer has begun and the weather is warmer. I’m waiting for my exam results to arrive. I need to make plans for the summer. I need to make plans for next year. I suppose I should make plans for the holidays.

Since school finished, I've increased my therapy sessions to twice a week trying to undo the damage that was done to meat the Centre. I'm making progress. But then I think of how I don't have Axel any more, and I wonder why I bother. I don't really care about my sexuality at this point. But I do want to be okay again. I want to feel okay about myself, and I want to be able to start a relationship again, if I ever find someone. If I get over Axel.

One sunny day, when Gran asks me to do the grocery shopping, I decide to walk the couple of kilometers to the store and catch the tram home afterwards. There isn’t much to buy, so it’s not long before I’m lining up at the checkout.

The checkout girl stares at me. Well, not atmeexactly, or at least not at my face. She’s looking at a spot below my chin and I begin to wonder if I’ve dropped food there or something.

Then her eyes light up and she literally squeals with excitement.

“Oh my god! Is that what I think it is?”

She leans in alotcloser.

“Yes, it is!” She squeaks. “Oh my god, it’s a Soul Necklace, isn’t it?”

"What?"

The only thing she can be talking about – given where her eyes are fixed – is Axel’s neck chain which I’m wearing, though I don’t know why I still do. Maybe because it's the last link I have to him, to a time when everything felt new and special and optimistic.

“Huh? Um… maybe?” I stammer, caught by surprise and confused.

The girl gives me a strange look. “Maybe?”

“This?” I ask, holding up the serpent enwrapped starfish on its fibre chain. “It’s nothing. Just a lucky charm. My friend lent it to me.”

She looks at me incredulously. “Yourfriend. Sure. You don’t even know what it is, do you?”

She’s right. I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, and I’d like to get this conversation done with because the checkout line is starting to build up behind me. But the girl insists on regaling me with the full blast of her enthusiasm and knowledge.

“That’s not an ordinary neck chain. I’ve never seen one in real life before but I’ve read about them,” she gushes. “I'm studying History with a major in Ancient Artifacts and Mythology.There's said to be an island somewhere in the Pacific, where it was traditional within the indigenous families for everyone to have one of these necklaces. It’s supposedly their soulconnection. It’s said the neck chain can’t be given away, it chooses to go. It's believed - or was believed - that the heart itself chose its soulmate, so sometimes it would end up going to people in other relationships, or people the person didn’t think they liked, things like that. It sounds terribly romantic. I mean, it’s probably not real. That side of things is probably just a myth. But if someone gives you one, it isn’tnothing.”

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