Page 32 of Dreamers Often Lie

“I'm not fucking frigid, Jules,” I scoffed.

“I never said you were. But you push your deepest feelings down, boo. You have ever since I met you.”

“I’ve had a lot of fucking trauma,” I wiped at my eyes and sat up from where I had been crushing my best friend.

“You can’t dwell in the past, Ty.” He reached up and wiped at my eye gently. “That’s then, and I know how hard it was for you. But you have to let yourself heal and move on. It’s… life only gives you so many chances.”

“How many have we already squandered?” I was afraid of the answer.

“Time will tell. I’m not squandering my chance now, and I don’t want you to, either. The past is the past, and it’s not something that you can change. But the here and now, the future… It’s all unwritten and waiting for you to begin. All you have to do is start.”

“You sound a lot wiser than you look or normally sound.”

“See what allowing yourself tofeellove can accomplish. I’ve turned into fucking Einstein.”

I chuckled. “That’s physics, not… Sure.”

“So, you’re scared. Wah! Don’t be a fucking baby about it. Be scared, but allow yourself to experience it. Jump in and revel in the mess that it creates.”

I slowly stood up and turned to him. “How can I ever be anything to anyone if I give pieces of myself away to strangers all the time? How can I fulfill a relationship when all I do is fulfill other people’s needs? I see some of the other boys in differentstudios accomplish this, but they’re not working for their fucking uncle. They’re not locked into contracts that keep us fed and well off enough that we don’t have to worry about money. We have a place to live and a… Well, a semi-sort of family that all looks after each other. Those other boys live different lives than us.”

“Who cares? That’s their life, not yours.”

“I’m tired of being a cock for sale, Jules. I… When Uncle Cap asked me to come and live with him after I turned eighteen, I had all these hopes, you know… All he wanted was to use me for my looks and my cock. My nanny, Esperanza, just let me go with him, and all she said was that I should mind him. She knew, and she didn’t even think to warn me. She cared for me so little that she let me be bought and sold for eight and a half inches of flesh.” My voice rose, and I realized who I had been mad at all this time. It was every adult who had let me down. My parents, my nanny, and my fucking uncle.

“It sounds like you want to escape as much as I do.”

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t think I like it here anymore. I have never really liked my life. I just tried to make the best of it, I guess. Use what God gave me and help others feel fulfilled – that’s how Cappie put it to me. But I'm tired of fulfilling other people and feeling empty myself.”

“You want more. And Merc?”

“Would he go with me? I… I’m scared to ask.” I felt naked and alone, standing there in my truth. But sweet Jules stood up and came over to me and took me in his arms.

“I think all you have to do is ask,” he whispered. “The way he looked at you – that is the look of someone who is deeply in love, Ty. Trust me. But what would we do if we left? Cappie would never let us go, and you know it. That’s what you said, and I’m scared. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“We can try, Jules. I’ll go with you. I’ll tell Merc how I… I’ll ask if he wants to come, too. Maybe the four of us have a chanceif we keep a low profile. I know that would be hard for you.” My mind started spinning as I tried to think of a way out. It felt desperate and needful, and I clung to my emotions. I had hope. I wanted to have hope, no matter what I had said about it in the past. It was all I had left.

“I’d shave my hair and wear black if that would help. I want to be with Roam, and I don’t care what I have to do to escape. I’ve lived in the limelight, and now I think I want something simpler. You know? Maybe be a house husband while Roam works construction. I can bake pies.”

“But can Roam use a hammer? Cappiewillcome after us. We make him too much money for him to ever let us go.”

“Death might be better than this.” He looked so forlorn. But I knew in my heart that he was right.

“Yes.” I nodded.

The stupidest look I had ever seen flew across Jules’ face as if he had just had an idea to smack him on the head like in a cartoon. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

“I think I have a plan, Ty. You’re not going to like it.”

“What?”

“We have to die. It’s our only way out. I would rather never breathe or feel again than be Paris’ toy.” It was so serious that it scared me. My body went instantly cold.

“That’s fucking dark.”

“It is the only way out.”

In my heart, I knew he was right. I had to kill Ty if I wanted out of the life I led.

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