Page 42 of For the Rest of Forever

But he also knew it was really, really hard sometimes for Allen to do that, especially if the thing that was on Allen’s mind hadanypotential to upset Greg. Or if Allenperceivedthat there was potential to upset Greg.

So last night, he hadn’t pushed. Now, he was wondering if maybe that hadn’t been the right choice.

“It’s still early, but do you want me to call Annabeth for you?” he offered quietly, and when Allen didn’t answer again, Greg rested his cheek against the top of Allen’s head. “Did you have anything that you need to go in for today, or will she be able to handle things without you?”

Allen’s voice was shaky, but he responded this time. “We have the homeschool group, but Casey will be there around that time, and—and... I think Annabeth should be fine.”

“Okay,” Greg said. He kissed the top of Allen’s head, and then, without shifting them too much, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and hit a few buttons to bring up Annabeth’s phone number. The conversation was short, and Annabeth was just as understanding and kind as he expected.

After he hung up and slid his phone back into the pocket of his pajama pants, he heard quiet sniffles from Allen, and his heart ached again. Whatever was bothering him must really be hurting.

“I love you,” Greg whispered as he turned slightly so he could wrap both arms around his husband.

“I love you too. I’m sorry for being so... so... me.” Allen’s lower jaw trembled, and he shook his head and ducked his chin down.

Dammit. Greg’s heart clenched. The sadness and uncertainty radiated off Allen, again, and it hurt to see how much his kind, compassionate husband was struggling. Still. Again. Always.

Allen had reminded him the other day that he’d always struggled, that this wasn’t all new to him. He’d even reminded Greg that he would probably always struggle. They’d talked at length about that with Dr. Schultz too. But even though Greg knew this, it didn’t make things easier when he saw his husband not doing well.

Greg brought a hand up to cup Allen’s cheek and repeated the words he’d said so many times before. “I love you, and I love caring for you. And I love having you here with me. I only worry because I love you.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Allen’s forehead. “And I also worry because I know that you wouldn’t be calling out from work unless it’s something really bad. So I hope we can talk about it—whatever it is that’s bothering you—if it’s something you’re ready to talk about.”

There was something else—some other nuance he’d meant to say—but his words hadn’t quite come out right. He’d meant to ask, in a sense, whether there was something specific that was bothering Allen—and whether Allen himself knew what it was.Notwhether it was something he was ready to talk about.

Greg could already almost see Allen thinking too hard on it, and he knew Allen well enough now. He knew what Allen wouldfind if he thought on the words too hard. Greg let his thumb brush along Allen’s cheekbone as he watched his husband’s gray-blue eyes refocus on him. Then he leaned down and kissed Allen’s lips softly.

“Darling, I didn’t mean anything other than—”

“Can we go inside? Please. Sorry—sorry to interrupt you. I shouldn’t have done that. I just... I’m just cold, and I want to go inside. Please.”

“Of course, darling.”

He didn’t argue—Allen’s reaction was just more evidence that they did need to talk and that Allenhadmade the right decision to stay home from work today. Instead, he stood and helped Allen up and whistled to the dog, who came bounding over to join them. Then he took Allen’s hand and led him inside, pausing briefly at the door to towel Beans dry before guiding Allen the rest of the way to the living room and over to the couch.

After he got Allen settled, he knelt down in front of him and set his hands on Allen’s knees. Allen blinked his eyes open, and Greg pursed his lips to avoid showing all of his concern. He took a deep breath and glanced up at the clock on the wall. 7:15 a.m.

“Are you better? I mean, is this better? Warmer, at least?” When Allen nodded, Greg pushed himself up onto his feet and then took a spot on the couch next to Allen. As he’d done when he’d sat outside with Greg, Allen nearly melted right into his arms, and Greg hugged him tightly.

“I have two deliveries later today. One at ten in Carnation and then one at noon all the way up in Everett. So we have time to talk before I have to leave, and... Actually, are you able to come with me? If not, I’ll just reschedule.”

A tickle of Greg’s own anxiety started to nag at him as Allen didn’t answer right away. He remembered their argument last Saturday. How Allen had gotten angry, stalked off,refused to let Greg walk him to work. And then getting the phone call from Annabeth that Allen had fainted and that they had an ambulance on the way.

Why did everything seem so... tenuous right now? So fragile? So ready to break? Even when heknewhis love for his husband was as strong as ever.

And why was he worried he’d push Allen away more if he asked for answers? If he insisted on not leaving Allen alone?

And why did that all scare the hell out of him?

“I feel like I want to die.”

Right. That was why. His stomach twisted painfully as he recalled Allen’s words, and he tightened his arms around his husband again.

“Allen, talk to me. Please, please talk to me.”

He felt more than heard Allen suck in a sharp breath, and then Allen nodded. “Don’t reschedule your work stuff. I’ll ride along with you. And...”

Greg waited patiently, though he felt very much the opposite of patient at the moment, his mind buzzing with too many what-ifs and uncertainties. Allen was taking slow, unsteady breaths, his hand pressing into Greg’s side as though to anchor himself.

“And I want you to go on that work trip for Paul,” Allen said finally. And once he’d admitted that, everything else seemed to spill out as Allen continued clinging to him. “I don’t want you to stay home. I don’t want you to stop working because of me. I don’t want to be the reason you—you don’t go places. You live for that stuff—those hikes and those trips and finding exactly the right photo and... and I don’t want to ruin that for you. I’ve already messed everything up enough. I’m sorry. I’ve already made your life—”

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