Page 34 of For the Rest of Forever

Allen took a long, deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning back against the cushions of the chair he sat in. Even though he felt much more stable than he had the day before, even after another relaxing night with Greg taking care of him, cooking for him, holding him as he slept, Allen still felt everything. Pain and sorrow,despair and desperation, shame, self-loathing, guilt. And he was exhausted, mentally and physically.

But being here helped. Seeing Marcia’s twins, with their chubby, smiling faces, was always uplifting, especially when he got to help baby Jackson settle into his nap. Watching Tina and Darren’s kids play with the dogs, seeing Greg so excited and happy, sharing food and listening to the chatter around him. All of these things let Allen forget just long enough for the tightness in his chest to ease slightly and for his mind to stop imagining scenarios in which he wasn’t around.

Marcia plopped down in the chair next to his and offered Allen a bottle of water. “Hopefully they’re both down for the afternoon,” she said as Allen took the water with a nod of thanks. “Dani’s been sleeping like a peach, no trouble at all going down for naps lately, but Jackson... he’s been fighting it every time. Thank you again, Allen, really. He just adores you.”

“They’re both precious. I’m glad to help,” Allen replied, giving Marcia another small smile.

She was watching him thoughtfully, her green eyes curious, and she looked like maybe she wanted to ask him something but wasn’t sure whether she should. Allen had seen that look enough times to know what it was about. He blinked and looked down at the water bottle in his hands.

“We’d talked about adoption,” he said quietly, and he glanced back up at Greg, who was still chatting with Joe and Brent. His smile faltered, and when he looked at Marcia again, her eyebrows had scrunched together slightly in confusion. “Greg actuallyreallywanted children. I was the one who wasn’t so sure, which is probably not what you were thinking, eh?”

“I would have guessed the opposite,” Marcia admitted with an embarrassed smile as she tucked a loose strand of her dark hairbehind her ear. “You’re so good with children. And you seem so at ease with them. A natural.”

Allen almost laughed, and he shook his head. “Maybe now. But babies scared me when I was your age.” He paused and took a sip of water, then sighed. “I... I wasn’t ready then, and I didn’t know if or when I would be. I think I wasn’treallyready until after we were finally able to get married. But by then, we were both well into our forties, and... and I think the time had passed for Greg.”

He didn’t talk about it much. It had been a hugely difficult decision for him and Greg to not pursue adoption. But it had been the right one, he thought. He’d never been confident that he’d make a good father anyway. After all, he hadn’t had anything close to the right role model. And he was content just as they were. Or rather, he didn’t feel like anything was missing in their lives.

Marcia had lowered her eyes, and she tapped the side of her water bottle with her finger, looking lost in thought.

“What about you? The twins. It’s hard, but worth it? And Elijah will be back in what, another three weeks?” Allen watched as Marcia’s lips turned up into a smile, and when she lifted her eyes again, there was a sparkle that hadn’t been there before.

“Sixteen days.”

“I bet you’re counting down the minutes. I bet he is too,” Allen murmured softly.

“He is. I can’t believe they’re five months old now and haven’t met their dad. It’s been a rough year.”

“Has it been a full year now? Oh, that’s right, that’s right... He left right at the end of September last year. But the expedition? It was successful?”

Allen sat forward a bit and listened as Marcia grinned and then launched into an entirely-too-detailed explanation of her husband Elijah’s research work. He could only understand part of it—like Elijah, Marcia was also a climate scientist, although she’d taken ayear-long sabbatical when Elijah had left and the twins were born. But Allen did his best to follow along as Marcia explained how Elijah and the other scientists and graduate students in his research group had been working to collect and analyze samples that would give them information about the rapid changes occurring at the Earth’s polar regions. He managed what might have been a few intelligent questions, and he just loved watching as Marcia lit up even more, nodded, and answered, her passion for her and her husband’s research obvious in every word.

“So what that means is—” There was a quiet ding, and Marcia glanced down at the smartwatch on her wrist and frowned. “Ah, sorry, one of the babies must be awake. I’m sure it’s Jackson,” she said with an exasperated sigh. She hit a button on the watch, then wearily pushed herself to her feet. “Thanks for listening to me ramble on. I don’t get to do that often enough anymore.”

“Anytime,” Allen said with a smile, and then Marcia disappeared back inside, leaving Allen alone again. Alone to his thoughts. Maybe a dangerous place to be.

He heard Greg’s laugh from across the patio, and he looked up to see Greg patting Brent on the shoulder and shaking his head. This time, he could hear some of Greg’s words.

“No, no, no. You’ve got no idea! If the hardest hike you’ve ever been on is thateasyjaunt up to Snow Lake, wait until I tell you about this proposal I got...”

Allen’s smile grew again as he shook his head. Only Greg would call Snow Lake aneasy jaunt. Sure, Greg had hiked much, much more difficult trails, but for the average weekend warrior, that seven-plus-mile hike was definitely not easy on the knees.

He was just about to push himself up out of the chair and maybe go grab some more of Marcia’s fruit salad when Greg glanced over at him, catching his eye. His husband’s smile softened, and he quickly looked back at Brent and Joe, shook his head, andthen motioned briefly toward Allen and said something to the two other men that Allen couldn’t hear. A moment later, Greg was on his way over, his expression still soft as their eyes met again.

“Snow Lake is just aneasy jaunt, eh?” Allen said as Greg took the seat in the chair next to his.

Greg just laughed lightly. “Ah, well, you know me, darling.” He paused and seemed to study Allen carefully for a moment before clearing his throat. “Can I get you something else to eat or drink? Another bottle of water? Some more fruit salad?”

Allen instinctively closed his hand tighter around the bottle of water Marcia had given him, feeling its weight, and he shook his head. “No, no, I...”

“You were eyeing the fruit salad, darling. I saw you.” Greg’s voice carried a teasing tone, and Allen couldn’t help but smile just a little wider.

“Maybe I was,” he admitted, and when he glanced up at Greg again, his husband was nodding and pushing himself to stand.

“I’ll be right back,” Greg promised, but he didn’t leave until after he’d placed a gentle kiss on the top of Allen’s head.

The afternoon went on, and almost everyone stayed for a second round of food from the grill—hot dogs and barbequed chicken this time—as the afternoon turned to evening. Allen mostly watched, except when he was cuddling one of the babies, which he did several more times. When the sunlight finally began to dim, the neighbors started to head out, and soon, only Greg, Allen, and Joe remained. The three of them sat in the same cushioned chairs off to the side of the patio, watching Beans and Poppy as both dogs seemed to get a second wind, some extra burst of energy sending them zipping around the yard again.

“So, Greg, what was that about Jack Mountain earlier? You started to say something about a trip?” Joe asked, and then he took another sip of beer, shifting his gaze to Greg.

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