Page 33 of For the Rest of Forever

“I was scared this morning, Allen,” he admitted after another moment of silence. “I don’t want to see you hurting, and when you told me that you’d been having dark thoughts—feeling like—like you—” He couldn’t quite say the words, and he shook his head a little, then swallowed tightly. “That scared me. A lot. And I want to be supportive. I really, really do. I saw how much it was doing for those boys—you being there today and showing them your kindness and your vulnerability. Isawwhat you were trying to convince me of this morning. You were not wrong about that, and I’ll admit I was. But...” Greg’s throat constricted, and he pursed his lips together as he scrunched his eyes shut.

“But I shouldn’t have gone today.”

Greg shook his head, blinking his eyes back open. Allen was watching him now, and in the dim light of the bedroom, with the shutters closed, his eyes looked dark gray rather than blue. And they were filled with this deep hurt and sadness. Greg saw Allen’s lower jaw tremble slightly.

“I shouldn’t have gone, and I-I’m sorry I put you through all that,” Allen added, his voice now shaking. “I’m sorry, I feel like I’ve been trying to tell myself I’ll be okay, and that everything’s okay, because I need it to be. But I’ve been drowning. Or suffocating. I don’t know. I’m unsure and scared, and then the words in my head, telling me”—he paused and took a deep breath—“that I don’t deserve to live. That everyone would be better off if I weren’t here. That—that—that—”

This time, his pause was accompanied by a shorter breath and some uncomfortable sound in the back of his throat. Greg swallowed hard, gently pushed Beans out of the way, and gathered Allen up in his arms, pressing a kiss against his forehead. “It’s not true, darling. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, because, I—” Greg’s words caught, and he shook his head and kissed Allen’s forehead again, holding his husband tightly. “Because I don’t even want to think about living a life without you in it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Allen Westin. You’re my reason for everything. You’re the most important thing in my life. And I love you and value you and cherish every single moment we’ve been together. All these years, I wouldn’t trade a single moment, even the hard ones. And I... I don’t want to lose you.”

Allen was nodding into Greg’s chest. “I don’t want that either,” he said, his voice low and muffled. He tilted his head back and finally looked Greg in the eye. Greg could see his regret and pain,the battle he was still fighting against himself. “You remember when I first told you about my parents?”

Greg nodded silently and rubbed his hand up and down Allen’s back. He remembered that conversation clearly. It had been early on—maybe too early, looking back on it now. Allen had been having a particularly rough day, although Greg couldn’t remember now why that had been. They’d had a date planned—something simple, like dinner and a movie—but when Greg had arrived at Allen’s to pick him up, he’d found Allen curled up in his bed, the apartment dark and cold. He remembered the moment he’d realized Allen hadn’t been out of bed all day, and he remembered the moment he’d decided to crawl into bed with his then-boyfriend for the first time just so he could hold Allen because he hadn’t a clue what else to do. And he remembered Allen opening up to him then, not about everything—because, god, there was a lot—but about how he’d battled with depression and anxiety most of his life, how his parents had treated him like a burden, taught him to feel ashamed of himself, said he was an inconvenience. Counted down the days until he’d turned eighteen so he would no longer be their responsibility.

He’d since learned how much worse than that it had actually been.

And now, as he lay there, holding his husband and lover and best friend, Greg wondered why he hadn’t realized sooner that Allen had probably been having suicidal ideations for a long, long time. It fit. And it was scary as hell to him, especially if it was getting worse.

“I was so scared to tell you all that,” Allen continued. “I was so worried, you seeing me like that, finding out how much... work I’d be... I was so scared you were going to leave. But it—but I figured it was better to have it end sooner, if you were going toleave. You didn’t, though. You—you did the thing I never thought anyone would ever do for me.”

“Which was . . . ?”

“You stayed.” Allen let out a huff of warm air as he buried his head into Greg’s chest, and Greg instinctively tightened his arms around his husband. “You stayed, and instead of being mad or telling me to get over it or trying to get me up and make me go out when I was feeling so low, you cooked us dinner at home. And you went and rented us a movie to watch at home. And you were just there with me. You even—gosh, you even brought those donuts the next morning, do you remember? That was what I needed. You to just be there for me. Then and now. Thank you for staying, Greg. And thank you for reminding me...whyI need to keep fighting those words in my head. It’s really hard sometimes. It’s really, really hard. Especially this week.”

Greg rested his cheek against the top of Allen’s head as the quiet settled around them. It was a comfortable quiet, though, and Allen seemed to relax slowly, the tension that had gathered in his shoulders fading. It was several minutes later when a familiar whine broke the silence, followed by a series of barely contained whimper-barks. Allen let out a sharp breath that might have been a laugh, and Greg lifted his head off his pillow to see Beans’s muzzle resting just on the edge of the bed. The rhythmic thump of his tail wagging accompanied another low whine that turned into a bark.

“He wants to cuddle again, dear,” Allen said, pressing his hand into Greg’s chest. Greg looked down at Allen to see amusement in his husband’s gentle eyes. “You can’t deny him that, can you?”

Greg laughed and rolled his eyes, then shook his head. “Get on up here, you silly dog,” he said, patting the bed. The dog leapt up, not wasting any time, and after several minutes of cuddly pets and belly rubs, Beans settled down at the foot of the bed, curled up into a ball.

And Allen snuggled up in his spot again in Greg’s arms. Greg planted another kiss in Allen’s hair.

“Let me love you again tonight, Allen,” he said softly. “Let me cook you dinner and hold you while we watch a movie. Let me take care of you. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.” He didn’t necessarily mean making love, that would be up to Allen, and he was sure Allen knew that. He touched Allen’s cheek and gently tilted his husband’s head back, and then Greg placed the lightest of kisses on Allen’s lips. “Can I do that for you? Because I love you.”

Allen nodded and settled his head back on Greg’s shoulder. “I love you too.”

Chapter Fourteen

Allen

The warm late-summer sundrifted high in the sky, just past its zenith as Marcia leaned over and carefully lifted baby Jackson from Allen’s arms. The sleeping infant made some gurgling sound, which brought a small smile to Allen’s lips, but didn’t wake.

Marcia cradled the baby against her shoulder. “You’re a miracle worker with him, Allen,” she said quietly, and then she kissed the top of Jackson’s head. “The only one who can get him to sleep like that. Thank you. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Allen nodded, and Marcia headed off towards Joe’s house, where Jackson’s sister, Danica, was already sleeping. Around him, there was general chatter and laughter, burgers and beer, fruit salad and coleslaw and cookies. The barbeque was an end-of-summer tradition for the neighborhood. Joe had been hosting it every year for at least a decade, maybe more. And nearly everyone from their little corner of the neighborhood was here.

Tina and her husband, Darren, sat at a table positioned under an umbrella, eating while chatting with Shane and Lily and Jocelyn. Tina and Darren’s three children were off on the lawn, running through a sprinkler with Beans and Joe’s dog, a Labrador retriever mix named Poppy. Phyllis and Herbert, an older couple in their mid-seventies, sat on a small patio sofa, watching the kids and dogs play as they chatted with another older couple who had just moved in two houses down from Greg and Allen. Then Brent, who owned the hardware shop on the main strip in town, had just joined Joe and Greg at the barbeque, where they both stood, beers in hand, discussing something quite animatedly.

It was a wonderful group of people. And even though he wasn’t part of the conversation at that moment, tucked away on the quiet side of the patio where he’d been cuddling baby Jackson to sleep, Allen felt content knowing he was a part of the community.

He watched his husband take a sip of beer while nodding at something Joe had said, and then Greg eagerly jumped back in, speaking with certainty and sureness, his hand movements enthusiastic and an eagerness in his eyes. Allen was too far away to hear the words, but he could almost imagine what Greg might be talking about.

Some hike. Some photoshoot. Some amazing landscape, maybe. Something wild and untamed.

When Greg nodded again and then pointed off toward the mountains, his smile growing, Allen was even more sure. He smiled softly, glad to see Greg so happy. It made him happy. Or at least happier. A little lighter. A little more like himself.

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