Page 30 of For the Rest of Forever

Allen nodded with another smile, and he let his hand find Greg’s. “You were still wearing that puffy blue jacket you used to have, and your hiking boots. And you came right up to the information desk and said, ‘I need to find a book.’ And I said something about—”

“You said, ‘Well, if you were looking for books up in the mountains, it’s no wonder you didn’t find them. But I bet we’ve got exactly what you need right here.’”

Allen let out a short huff of a laugh, which felt good. But then his smile faded slowly, and he looked down. “I love you, Greg.” He felt his husband squeeze his hand, and he returned the gesture. “And I love books and libraries. Especially this one. My job and my work are very important to me. But... you were right. I shouldn’t have argued with you this morning. And I shouldn’t have come in today. I’m really sorry that—”

Greg leaned in and stopped Allen’s apology with a light kiss to his forehead, and he closed his eyes and tried not to get more emotional than he already was. He could feel all of it again—theguilt and shame and self-doubt, now loaded with a heavy dose of embarrassment, all those feelings starting to fill his chest again.

“Actually,” Greg said quietly, “I think I was the one who was wrong, darling. But let’s not talk about that now, okay? Let me take you home, so you can rest?”

Home and rest sounded like the only things he might be capable of right then, and so Allen nodded. A moment later, Greg’s arm was around him again as they made their way slowly toward the front entrance.

Just before they reached the door, Christopher came jogging up and moved ahead of them to push the door open, his expression strained. “Here, I-I’ll hold it here for you,” the boy said.

Allen smiled weakly and started to thank him, but he stopped when Greg’s arm tightened around his waist.

And it was Greg who spoke first. “Thank you very much, Christopher.”

The boy’s eyes dropped to the ground, and he nodded and held the door as Greg and Allen shuffled through.

Chapter Thirteen

Greg

Greg closed the sliderbehind him and reached up to shield his eyes from the early afternoon sunlight. Clouds were moving in from the east, edging up over the top of the mountains and beginning to obscure their view of Mount Si. But the sun was just overhead, and he could still feel its warmth.

Maybe it would rain later.

It was such a mundane thing to think about—the weather. Mundane and normal and easy. And for some weird fleeting second, Greg found himself angry at the clouds and the sun and the heat. Angry at how they could justbewhen the world around him was spinning out of control.

Allen sat just at the other edge of the patio, resting back against the cushions of their outdoor sectional with his eyes closed. He looked almost relaxed, almost like it was a normal Saturday afternoon. But Greg could see Allen’s chest rising and falling just a little too fast, his jaw held shut with just a little too much tension. Hismostly uneaten lunch sat on the patio table in front of him, and his hands were clasped awkwardly in his lap. Definitely not the picture of relaxation.

And Beans was still in protective mode, curled up right at Allen’s feet.

Greg swallowed hard, attempted a smile, and stepped out across the patio to join his husband.

“So, Tina and Joe should have been the last visitors, I think,” Greg said quietly as he lowered himself onto the couch next to Allen.

“That was a lot of people.” Allen shifted until he was leaning up against Greg, his arm coming to rest across Greg’s midsection and his head on Greg’s shoulder.

“Everyone was worried about you, darling.” When Allen didn’t say anything, Greg turned his head to press a gentle kiss into Allen’s hair. “Everyone was worried because they care. Because you’re an important part of this community. Becauseyou matterto them.”

Allen still didn’t respond, but that was okay, Greg knew. He’d heard the words, and Greg would repeat them again and again and again if he had to. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down Allen’s arm and kissed the top of Allen’s head again as his husband settled up against him more with a long sigh that shuddered at the end.

They sat there together for several minutes, the shade provided by their oversized patio umbrella inching closer to the back of the couch as the sun shifted in the sky. Finally, Greg coughed quietly to clear his throat and squeezed Allen’s shoulder lightly.

“How are you feeling? Can I get you something else to eat or drink? Or do you want to go lie down again?” He could predict what each of Allen’s answers would be, and he knew he probably shouldn’t have asked so many questions all at once. Just the first question would probably be difficult enough for Allen to answer. With a gentle shake of his head, he closed his eyes and rested hischeek on the top of Allen’s head. “Sorry, darling, one thing at a time, huh?”

“Y-yeah, um . . .”

“Take your time, my love. How are you feeling?”

There was a quiet huff, like Allen wanted to laugh but couldn’t quite do it. The hand resting on Greg’s stomach pressed down into him just a little, and he felt as Allen tensed.

“Exhausted. And... detached. And like any effort is too much. Still foggy, like after a migraine. And...”

“And what, darling?”

“Scared,” Allen breathed, the word slightly muffled into Greg’s shirt.

---