Page 22 of For the Rest of Forever

“God, what’s wrong with me, Greg?” The words slipped out without him really meaning to say them, and along with them came a rush of feelings—shame right at the forefront of the wave. He quickly turned over and buried his head into his husband’s chest, needing the comfort he knew he’d find there. He felt Greg tense up briefly, but then Greg wrapped both arms around him and kissed his forehead.

“Nothing, darling. There’s nothing—”

Beans barked again, cutting off whatever Greg had been about to say, and Greg let out what sounded like an exasperated sigh. “Beans, bed. Now,” he said with a quiet but firm voice.

The dog whimpered but then must have listened, because Allen heard him trot away, and then there was a soft rustle as though Beans was lying down in his bed in the corner.

Allen shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry, I... I should take him out. He needs to go out,” he mumbled.

“He’ll be okay for another few minutes,” Greg reassured, his tone gentle now. Greg’s lips brushed Allen’s cheek lightly, and his hand rubbed gently along Allen’s back.

The touch didn’t make Allen feel better, however, and he shook his head again. “I-I don’t want to...” He trailed off, not quite sure where he’dbeen going with his thought. All he knew now was that all the feelings were overwhelming him, and he couldn’t stop them.

Guilt. Shame. Self-loathing. And that much darker and more terrible something that had just had him contemplating how he could end his life.

A sudden pounding at his temples had all the air leaving his lungs.

And somehow, Greg seemed to know. He kissed Allen’s cheek again and kept rubbing his back, and he started to whisper words of reassurance, his voice calm, soothing, loving. “My darling, Allen, you are so loved. I’ve loved you from the beginning, and I’ll be here with you, always. I love you just as you are. You are loved, and you are enough.” There was a pause, and Allen pressed himself up against his husband more as though that might help ease his pain.

“I don’t know why it’s so bad, Greg. Why is it so bad?” He didn’t really expect an answer, since Greg surely didn’t know why either, but the words came anyway, and he heard the desperation in his own voice—raw and deep.

“It’s been a long week. And I know you didn’t sleep well last night. That always exacerbates things. But Allen, please”—Greg’s hand came up to touch Allen’s cheek softly—“please talk to me. Is this... the usual stuff, or something more?”

He could hear the worry in Greg’s voice, and it was warranted. Especially given the thoughts he’d just been having—the ones he’d been trying to stop. But Greg’s concern just made them echo again.He’d be so much better off if you weren’t here. It would be so easy to just end it all...

“It’s more. It’s worse. It’s really bad,” he managed, the words muffled against Greg’s chest. “Please, Greg, I...” He could feel his heart’s irregular rhythm in his chest, the strain each breath was taking, the pain now slicing through his head. Maybe he washaving a heart attack. Maybe he’d just have a heart attack and die. Then he’d no longer be a burden, no longer be holding Greg back, no longer be the cause of any stress and pain and... “God, Greg, tell it to stop. Please.”

“Allen?”

He couldn’t speak, but he clung to his husband and fought the words as best he could, and when Greg started telling him again that he was loved, over and over, something inside him finally began to calm again. The thrumming of his heartbeat became steadier, and the weight on his chest lifted just a little. Each breath took less effort.

But it was some time, fifteen or twenty minutes maybe, when the suffocating dread had finally eased enough. Greg’s voice faded into a soft kiss pressed into his hair, Allen let out a shuddering breath and reached up to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and low.

Greg answered with another kiss. “We should go to see Dr. Schultz,” Greg said quietly.

“Probably,” Allen agreed, though part of him just really didn’t want to. Dr. Schultz was wonderful, and she did always seem to help him. But he hated that he still needed help after so many years in and out of therapy.

“I know that’s not what you really want to do, darling. But something is different now. I can... I can feel it. And I’m worried about you. And please,pleasedon’t take that the wrong way, because I know that’s a part of it. I worry about you because I love you, and—” Greg’s voice seemed to crack, and Allen felt his husband’s breath shudder as his lips pressed to Allen’s forehead.

He took two deep breaths and nodded. “I-I’ll call her first thing on Monday,” he said. It was probably the right thing to do. In fact, they probably should have already called her to schedule an appointment after everything that had happened the previous week.

Greg’s hand rubbed up his arm gently. “Let me take Beans out, darling? And then we can make breakfast. Maybe we can go to Seattle today, maybe grab lunch at Ivar’s, see that new exhibit at the art museum. Or—”

“Maybe.” Allen’s chest felt tight again as he closed his eyes. “Let me—let me get up with you, though. I... I think I probably shouldn’t be alone right now.” He somehow managed to keep himself from saying anything more, but he could feel Greg tense up, his hand stopping its soothing motion on Allen’s arm. The air around him felt thick and too warm, even though he knew it was cool in the room, and Allen closed his eyes again as he pushed himself up to sit.

Shaky and weak. That was how he felt. Shaky and weak and unsettled.

But when Greg scooted up behind him, wrapped his arms around Allen’s midsection, and placed a light kiss on Allen’s bare shoulder, he let out some long, shuddering breath that somehow released a good amount of the tension that had built up. Then he collapsed back into Greg and allowed his husband’s embrace to soothe him. And it did. It was soothing. Even more this time than earlier.

“I’m... okay now. We should take Beans out.”

“Okay, darling.”

Greg quietly scooted off the bed ahead of Allen and then helped Allen to his feet. And they both got dressed as Beans jumped around barking and whining and generally being impatient. When they finally made it downstairs, Beans had both front paws up on the back door and was whimpering as he scratched at the wood of the doorframe. Greg huffed some reprimand, and the dog lowered himself to the ground and sat until Greg made it over and opened the door.

Allen stopped at the kitchen table and watched, somehow managing a half-smile, as Beans tore out of the house and zoomed around the yard, racing all the way to the back fence before spinning around and racing back. After several laps, he stopped to sniff the ground and find a place to do his business.

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