Page 12 of For the Rest of Forever

He should. He should go home. For maybe the first time in his entire decades-long career, he didn’t want to be here. He could still hear the sounds of the glass shattering, the two voices shouting at him. He could still feel his heart racing, his breaths becoming unnaturally short.

And he didn’t really know.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was best or whatwould be bestfor his long-term mental well-being. But he also hated how he was feeling, and something inside of himneededfor him to fight it.

“I... I know I can, but I—but I need to stay. I need to . . . not let them—”

“It’s not letting them win,” Greg corrected gently. “It’s doing what you need to do for your own health and safety.”

“You’re right,” Allen said, though his voice still shook with uncertainty. “And I... But I need to...” He closed his eyes. “If I don’t do this today, I’m afraid, Greg. I’m afraid I won’t ever come back.”

He hadn’t even known it was the truth until he said it out loud, and he expected all the pushback he probably deserved. After all, it sounded wrong. Illogical. Irrational, even. Yet his husband just shifted again to loop his arm around Allen’s waist.

“I will support whatever decision you make. Always,” Greg said.

With a nod, Allen gritted his teeth and started up the steps, Greg following him.

***

The morning was ablur. Greg stuck around for fifteen or twenty minutes, until Annabeth showed up, and although Greg hadn’t said anything specific, Allen knew exactly why he’d stayed that long. He was thankful, really. He was glad he hadn’t been left alone. Even the thought of being there alone again brought his heart slamming to a stop.

So he was also glad that there were a lot of visitors who stopped by, too. It was a bit unusual for a Monday morning, when they typically only had a few people who came in to drop off books, maybe one or two to use the computers. Many of the visitors that morning brought gifts of support—more flowers, handmade cards, evensome baked goods. And thankfully, when Shane Whitman and his wife, Lily, showed up around eleven to discuss the installation of the new window, Annabeth handled that for him.

It wasn’t until about noon when Greg showed up with lunch, ushered him off into the back office, and shut the door that Allen realized how badly his head was pounding and how fast his heart was racing.

He crossed his arms over his chest and forced himself to take slow, deep breaths as he watched Greg begin to unpack several containers of food from a small tote.

“I made that chicken salad you like—the one with the red grapes—and I stopped for some fresh croissants at Harvey’s Bakery. Plus I’ve got—” Greg stopped suddenly and frowned. “Sorry, I want to ask you how you are and how your morning went, but I don’t want to upset you, darling.”

Allen understood. He closed his eyes and nodded, then he reached out. Greg’s warm embrace was there immediately, and Allen felt his whole body relax for the first time that day.

“It wasn’t bad, really. This morning, I mean,” Allen started. Together, they moved to a small sofa pushed up against one wall of the office, their lunch momentarily forgotten. “There’ve been so many people who have shown up to drop off cards and flowers and make donations. We—we’ve received over twenty-six hundred dollars in donations just since yesterday. And three trays of brownies. I-I told Mrs. Gupta that it’s—it’s a really good thing you love chocolate so much. It’s been... incredible, really. And, um, well, as long as I’m distracted, it’s fine, I think. I’ve been fine. But it’s... hard. It’s really, really hard.”

That was certainly much, much more than he’d intended to share, and Allen shook his head as he stopped talking. Greg kissed his temple and continued to rub his upper arm, as he’d been doingnearly the whole time they’d been sitting there together. With a long sigh, Allen leaned against his husband.

“I can imagine how difficult it is,” Greg said quietly. There was a reluctance to his voice that Allen recognized well. And his next words seemed very carefully chosen. “You could take the afternoon off to rest, if you want.”

The gentle reminder was just that—a gentle reminder that he didn’t have to overcomeeverythingtoday. He didn’t have to pretend like today was just like any other day, or like being here at work today was a normal thing.

And again, he wondered whether Greg was right. He didn’t feel well, either. There was a lightheadedness accompanying his nausea now, and his knees and back hurt, which didn’t really seem to be related to the previous day’s events or anything, but it certainly wasn’t really helping.

“I’ve got so much to do though. I want... to...” There was something in the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite put words to yet, but he tried. “I don’t want... to—to let the community down—”

He felt Greg tense up next to him, and he shook his head.

“That’s not it, I mean. I’m not finding the right words. What I don’t want is for... That preschool group already canceled, and there’s nothing I can do about that. But the homeschool group—I want them to be here. I don’t want them to cancel. And I want... I want... the library to be here and open and accessible to anyone who needs it, whenever they need it. I don’t want there to be any doubt about what type of place this is, whether it’s...”

Something pulled at him, memories of when he was a kid, and he lifted his eyes to meet Greg’s, which were filled with a deep understanding and softness.

“...whether it’s a safe place. Of course, darling,” Greg murmured, his voice low and kind.

“So, I need to be here,” Allen continued, “to show that.”

Greg pulled him into another hug. “I understand. I do. Just don’t forget”—Greg kissed his cheek, then lingered with his lips still just barely brushing Allen’s skin—“that you need to think about yourself too.”

Allen’s chest tightened, and he closed his eyes and nodded a weak agreement. Then he settled his head on his husband’s shoulder with a long sigh. “We should have lunch now.”

“Sure, darling,” Greg said quietly, and after another moment, they stood together and headed back to the table.

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