They exchange more words, but I struggle to focus on them, zoning in and out of reality. My mind all but shuts down to avoid the intensity of grief and heartbreak rolling through me.
I sway on my feet and struggle to pry my eyes open after every blink, when Caitlin turns to me with worry. Odiane is gone. I didn’t even notice her burst into streams of water and return to the river.
My sister half carries me with her arm wrapped around my waist and leads me back up that winding staircase and through the streets of the fortress.
I don’t look at her satchel that has both seed sacks in it. Every time my mind dares to acknowledge them, it skitters away from the thought.
There is a finality in this. Nothing holds me to this realm anymore. Not even Aldrin.
The fact utterly ruins me.
Caitlin should be ecstatic with her seed-stone in possession, but instead, there is a deep frown of concern on her face. Every time she glances at me, her lips become downturned. I know Caitlin. Right now, her mind is whirling, trying to work out ways to fix this for me. To find the right thing to say that could give me a single moment of reprieve from this grief, but there isn’t anything she can do.
Guilt flushes through me so strong my knees almost buckle. I should be happy for her, but I am so sad for me.
I return to my previous chambers and sleep fitfully. Caitlin offers to sleep next to me, but I want to be by myself.
I jolt awake with the coverings a tangled mess around me and sweat soaking my body. The twin moons are still prominent in thedark sky, but I cannot get back to sleep. A silvery glow filters in through the leadlight windows, casting a faint image of spring blooms across the floor in muted colors of green, yellow and red.
A deep, restless urge sends me out of my bed and I walk through the fortress. The assassins haven’t found us yet, but there are guards on the lookout for them everywhere.
My feet take me along balconies and through streets. A protective ward domes over the entire site, leaping from plinth to plinth at the apex of the tallest buildings. The barrier shimmers and ripples in the dim light, clear to the naked eye.
I don’t know how long I wander around in large circles, but as I make my way back to my room, the sun peaks over the horizon. I freeze within the shadow of a pillar across the courtyard from my chambers.
Aldrin is outside my door.
He knocks on it, then speaks my name. The sight of him waiting for me to open the door is like a dagger twisting in my heart. He knocks again, and stands in that doorway for a long time, his shoulders slowly dropping as hope fades from him. Aldrin walks a few paces away, stops and stares at the door again, shakes his head then leaves.
A silent sob wracks my chest. I hold a hand over my mouth and slide down the pillar to the ground.
What would I have done, if I were in my room when he knocked? Would I have lost all my resolve and let him in? I know the answer to the depths of my soul, and part of me wishes he had lured me back to him.
I get dressed, pack my few belongings and find Caitlin.
We enter the great hall together. The room is loud with voices crashing over each other as people sit and eat and talk. It turns completely silent as we step in. The heat hits me like a wall, from the roaring fireplaces and the dozens of bodies, but a chill runs down my spine.
Aldrin stands from the table he occupies with Cyprien andapproaches me. “Do you want something to eat?” He is cold and brittle, as he motions to the table with food set out.
I shake my head.
“Sit and talk with us a while.” He almost pleads. “There is no rush.”
“I would like to go to the portal now, Aldrin.” I don’t show the turmoil crashing through me.
He closes his eyes for a long moment, running his hands across them. “If that is what you wish.”
“It is,” I say.
Even Caitlin turns to me with surprise at my coldness.
“Let me gather a band of guards.” Aldrin turns from me, but I reach out and grab his arm, pulling him back. He looks down at my hand, then up at me.
“It is too dangerous for you to come,” I say.
“I will have my last goodbye with you. The Assassins of Belladonna be damned.” Anger flashes across his face, twisting his lips, but it cools rapidly. “Talk to me Keira, tell me what you are thinking. Why there is this sudden urge for you to leave? If we can have one last private meal —”
“No, Aldrin.” My voice breaks. “You promised me this. That you wouldn’t hold me.”