Page 140 of The Forbidden Fae King

Panic rears up within me like a beast clawing its way out, and I push it all the way down with my grief and heartache, to be pulled out and felt later.

I glance at Finan. He isn’t even watching the proceedings. His mother could have used his support, and he was completely unaware. By the end of the long court session, I am absolutely fuming with him. A headache grows from grinding my teeth.

When the hall clears of petitioners and the king swaggers down the steps to speak with his advisers, I capture Diarmuid’s eye and indicate for him to come to me with a flick of my head.

“You need to school your face,” he whispers into my ear. “You look like you are about to skewer a trespassing Cú Sídhe. Breathe.”

“Ask Prince Niall to meet us in the library again tonight,” I whisper back.

Diarmuid nods. “Don’t forget to charm the prince. He looks thoroughly bored.” I give him a dark look and he leans in to whisper in myear. “Make sure I am the first person to know if you change your mind about him and we have to get the hell out of here.” He squeezes my arm, then returns to the crowd of advisers.

The palace gardens calm me. We walk along paved tracks that are bordered with evergreen hedges, styled into swirling patterns and low mazes. Finan tucks my arm into the crook of his elbow and he holds a frilly umbrella over us, to protect our pale skin from darkening in the sun.

We cross a low bridge that spans over a man-made pond, walking until Finan finds a grassy spot that is suitable for our picnic. The servants quickly erect a small, canvas pavilion, with a blanket spread out with delicacies.

I watch Finan as he talks, his enthusiasm lighting up his entire face. I laugh when I am expected to laugh and only speak flattery. He weaves stories of the self he wants to be, rather than exposing his truths. I try so hard to stop the bile from rising in my throat.

I miss Aldrin so damn much. Everything was real with him. He dares to care about the people of the Spring Court, not because it is his duty, but because he is full of compassion.

Those thoughts open up a well of pain so deep and intense within me, I fear I will fall in and never be able to climb my way out.

I push him away. The memory of Aldrin’s beautiful face. The amused smile that lights up his eyes and his touch that I am desperate to feel again.

I don’t deserve a man like Aldrin, not when I left him at his most vulnerable point. I will not if he frees himself from the assassins, if he wins back his throne, unless he decides to open the portals. A shudder runs through me and force myself back to the here and now.

“Are you concerned about the famine at Rockpoint Bay? That their waters no longer hold fish. It must be terribly frightening for the poor people,” I ask Finan in an all too frivolous tone.

Finan gives me a long look. “Why do you care to talk about politics, Keira? It is unseemly for a lady, and quite frankly a bore. Leave all the petty decisions up to the advisers. It is their job, after all.”

“I worry for those poor people—” I try again.

“Don’t worry your pretty head about it. Here, have a sweet cake.”

I try my hardest not to grit my teeth at the condescending dismissal and take the damn cake.

I left Aldrin forthis?A wave of dread crashes over me, threatening to drown me in its intensity. My throat closes up, and it is a struggle to breathe.

I can’t hear Finan talk. A loud ringing fills my ears.

Somehow, I make it through the picnic and back to my rooms, dismissing my maids immediately and stepping into the warm bath they prepared for me.

I hold my head in my hands and cry with abandon. My whole body shakes and my chest heaves with each sob that tears out of me in choked screams. I struggle to draw breaths in anything other than pants. Tears run down my face in torrents until the salt burns my skin.

All the grief I keep so tightly coiled up within me comes spiraling out and I am drowning in the darkness of it. I feel like I am lost in a maze and I don’t know my way out.

I am flooded by the image of Aldrin’s face, as I told him I was leaving. It haunts me, what I did to him. The way his features crumpled at my brutal words, and the utter defeat that crept over them. The mischievous smile disappeared from his face and the light in his eyes died. He deserved so much better.

My chest hurts from the heartache, like there is a blade inside it that keeps twisting and twisting.

I want to go back to Aldrin. To find that earlier version of myself and shake her for leaving. For putting everyone else first.

The water cools around me until I shiver, but I can’t find the willpower to get out of the bath. My fingers touch the beads of my moonstone bracelet, wishing I could still feel their pull. That the portals were not closed.

I find the single bead that bellows to the portal that led me to Aldrin. Each bead in the bracelet is different, all milky white with flecks and swirls of green, blue and yellow, but this one has a chunk of purple right in its middle. I hold it while longing for Aldrin crashesover me like a tidal wave that rushes in and out. I picture his beautiful face when it lights up just from looking at me.

Oh Aldrin. I am so stupid. Aldrin, find your way back to me. Ineedyou, more than I need to breathe. Find me. Find me. Aldrin,save me.

It is pointless. All of this is pointless.

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