Page 50 of Love and War

His brown hair stuck to his forehead as he stared down at me, his eyebrows creased in confusion. I wanted to trace that small dip in the middle of his brows with my finger. To feel what it felt like, just one last time.

“Why are you so scared, moya Printsessa?” His voice was near cracking as he asked me this. I had so many answers for him. The fact that my best friend was in a coma for two months, that she nearly lost her life. That everything was falling apart. That I had one secret I was keeping from everyone. And another from him.

“I’m scared of everything,” I mumbled.

“You don’t need to be scared with me,” he lied. He might have thought he was telling me the truth. But it was a lie, he would soon realize why we would never work. Why we never did.

I stared at him, willing the words to come forward. But they wouldn’t. Everything got stuck in my throat.

“Why won’t you let me in?” he asked, taking a step closer to me.

“You left me, Killian.”

“So are wefinallygoing to talk about this? It’s been close to a year, Aziza. You’re finally ready to talk about everything, to lay it all out?”

I was shaking my head before he even finished. Because no matter the time, I would never be ready. I would never be able to tell him the pain I felt when he didn’t show up at the park. When I sat there all day.

“Talk to me, please, just fucking say something.”

“I waited all day, Killian. I waited for three days…” The words flew from my mouth. “Zander laughed at me; he told me you were gone, but I didn’t believe that. Z was already gone, one best friend had already left me, and then you?” I huffed out a laugh.

“Aziz—”

“No, you wanted to talk. So here…” The pain was at the surface already, just seeing him. “I waited for three days. I walked away from Holly. I told her I was done playing her game, I was done being her pawn. You had promised me when I was ready that we’d be together, forever. You remember that? Remember when you told me that when I was ready that you’d be there, and then we could start our lives together. Well, I waited until that Saturday. I waited.

“I sat there all day. Zander came out the second day and told me how pathetic I was. That Z left because he couldn’t stand me anymore and that it was just your time. By the third day, I was so tired and when I finally accepted the fact that you did indeed fucking leave me, he showed up.”

I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to look him in the face when I told him the next part. But I needed him to understand the pain I was feeling that his father broke me.

“Your father showed up. He told me you were waiting for me at your hous—”

“What did he fucking do!” he growled. His hands reached for my arms.

Backing away I screamed, “Shut up!”

Killian’s eyes flared; his hands fisted at his sides.

“I’ll leave out the filth that came from his mouth. I’ll even leave out the details of the bruises I had along my side when I yelled at him for the shit he did to you. But no, I didn’t follow him. I knew he was disgusting, and to answer your next question, no he didn’t touch me. Besides punching me in the face, and then kicking me a few times before some men driving by saw it. Put him in the hospital before he disappeared.”

Killian nostrils flared, his hands white from clutching them so hard. I understood where he was coming from, but it was his fault.

“You left me, no note, nothing. I was giving up my life to be with you, and you couldn’t even say goodbye.”

“Aziza, please,” he begged, reaching for me again.

“So when you ask me why I’m scared? I’m scared of trusting you again. I’m scared of letting my heart open to you again. I trusted you with every part of me, literally every part of myself. I left it to you, I was yours. When you ask why I won’t let you in, it’s because I did. I let you see my heart and soul, and you crushed it like I didn’t matter. You let me sit there for three days, believing you cared and loved me as much as I cared for and loved you. You’ve never asked me, but go ahead.”

Looking at me in confusion, he opened his mouth before closing it again.

“Do I love you?” I asked him. “The answer is yes. I’ve always loved you, and I always will. But I don’t know if I can let myself accept those feelings. I can’t let myself, my heart, love you. Because when you leave me again, I won’t survive it. I think I died a little in those days. I won’t survive you leaving me again, I won’t.”

Backing away, I blinked through my tears, trying my best to stay strong. Not to follow into his arms like my body was begging me to do.

“Aziza, please don’t. Let me explain, let me try.”

“I can’t, you need to let me go. We’re toxic for each other, and I—I can’t be what you need.” Backing away from him, I waited until my back hit my car.

Go. Go. Get away.

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