Page 114 of Someone You Deserve

“If not now, then when, Astrid? When is it ever going to be the right time?”

I drop my head back on the couch, the weight of the day bearing down on me. “Penn, I spent all day prepping for one of the most important events of my career, one of my mixer broke right in the middle of that prep, then my brother came in telling me he has a big fat mouth, and now you’re here asking me for answers I just don’t have it in me to give tonight.”

“I don’t know. I feel like you’re keeping one foot out of whatever it is we’re doing here and there’s always an excuse.”

“Can you blame me? Do you not understand how crazy my life is and that this added stress isn’t helping?”

“ButIcould help you if you’d just let me in. If you’d let me take some of that stress off your shoulders. But you’re keeping me at a distance and I’m trying to fucking understand why.” I shake my head. “There are things I can’t tell you.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Astrid. If we are going to have any shot at a life together, you should be able to tell me anything,even if I might not like it. And you’re going to start right now. Tell me…what was really going on with Brandon before he died?”

“You don’t want to know that, Penn,” I whisper as the tears start to form. I thought I had none left, but I guess I was wrong.

He takes my hand and squeezes it gently. “I want to know everything when it comes to you. I thought that’s what last weekend was about, but apparently you were holding back on me. I want to understand why.”

He goes blurry as the tears threaten to spill over. “I thought it’d be better if I just left all that in the past. And I didn’t want you to think differently of Brandon.”

He cups my face, gently brushing away a tear with his thumb. “Youare my priority.”

I take a deep breath and send up a silent prayer that Brandon will forgive me for what I’m about to reveal, but knowing that, ultimately, it’s the right thing to do.

“Brandon wasn’t a good husband, Penn. You may not have seen it and I have no idea if he ever talked to you about our marriage, but I asked him for a divorce before he left on his last deployment. He wanted me to wait until he got back, hoping I’d change my mind, but I was done.” I stare across the room now, giving myself permission to tell him everything. “He belittled my passion for baking, he was never present when he was home, and I never felt like I had a partner. I can’t imagine what his job was like, but all I wanted when he was here was a husband, a friend, someone I could count on and he wasn’t that man for me.” Turning back to Penn, I see the anguish in his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel guilty because you think you’re disrespecting his memory or breaking some code—because our relationship was over long before he died. I just didn’t find the courage to leave him until itwas too late.” I barely get the last word out before the tears begin to fall in earnest.

“Astrid…” He pulls me into his lap, leaning back into the cushions as I sob.

“I know he was your best friend, and I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I just wish you would have fucking told me this sooner.”

“I didn’t want to keep living in the past. What you and I have is different and I just wanted to move on.”

He kisses the top of my head. “I get that now.”

“I’ve spent so much time feeling guilty, Penn—for wanting you, for wanting to leave him, for my children losing their father, and for feeling relief that at least I get to pursue my dreams when he told me I never would. People don’t talk about feeling even a sliver of relief after their spouse dies. They don’t discuss how life can feel lighter knowing you don’t have to deal with the whiplash of emotions your relationship held. For years, I’ve mourned a man I didn’t even want in my life anymore, Penn. It’s been horrible.”

He grips me tighter and I can hear his teeth grinding. “That’s fucked up, Astrid. If I would have known, I would have said or done something.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your memories of the boy you grew up with, the man you supported and loved. But he was a different person for me.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers in my ear before resting his lips on my temple. “I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

Emotion overtakes me and I stay silent for a while, just letting Penn hold me while I think about how Brandon never would have consoled me while I was this emotional. He didn’t want to be bothered by metrying to communicate with him. He just didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy with the life we had.

Because I was always meant to have more.

And now I do. With Penn.

I sit up and stare into Penn’s eyes. “Please forgive me for not telling you.”

He shakes his head, closing his eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive, Astrid. I spent all afternoon trying to see it from your perspective so I wouldn’t be pissed, and I get it now. I needed to hear this from you. It makes a lot of things make more sense.”

“I still should have told you.”

His eyes pop open again. “Yes, you should have.”

“I promise that I won’t ever keep anything from you again.”

“I appreciate that.”

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