Page 105 of Someone You Deserve

“But what about Brandon?” I whisper, tears forming in my eyes. It’s the main reason why we’ve both been in denial and maybe if I know how he’s feeling first, it will help me decide if I should come clean to him about our marriage.

I know that Willow said I should be honest with him, tell him about my marriage and what I want in a relationship moving forward. Butthe circumstances are also fragile, and if I get a fresh start with Penn, I think I want it to be just that—fresh. No reminders of the past and no chance of destroying a life-long friendship between two men when one is now gone.

Sighing, he pulls me closer to him, wrapping his arm around my ribs. “Brandon was my best friend, but he’s gone, Astrid. We can’t keep living our lives in the shadow of his ghost.”

“I know. But…”

“I’ve felt guilty, babe. For the years I wanted you, for weeks after I gave in…” He inhales deeply. “Not just about Brandon, but about my dad too.”

“Your dad?”

He nods. “My entire life he preached to me about helping others, honoring your friends and staying loyal to your brothers. He instilled in me that brotherhood extends beyond blood ties, so Brandon and I were as good as brothers in his eyes. Knowing what he would say to me, how he would react if he knew I gave in to my feelings for you?” A sigh leaves his lips. “It’s kept me up at night.”

“Penn…” My heart aches for him, for the guilt that he’s carrying around too. But it makes me even more afraid that the remorse will never fully go away for either of us.

“But my mom said something last week that finally put things into perspective for me.”

“What did she say?” I ask timidly, not sure if Katherine’s words could make me feel better or worse about the situation.

“She said that my father was a closet romantic,” he says with a small smile on his lips. “I never knew that, but she assured me that he could never be disappointed in me for going after what I want, especially if it’s for love.” He pulls down my bottom lip with his thumb. “And Ican’t keep living my life based on what my father and Brandon might have thought about it, Astrid. I refuse.”

“Easier said than done though, right?”

Penn nods. “Yeah, but I think if we both adopted that mentality it would be easier.” He reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers. “I want to romanticize every little thing about my life with you, Astrid. I want to keep you forever, show you that you can have it all. That you fucking deserve that, and that I can be the someone that you need in your life.”

“You are someone that I need,” I tell him honestly. “I need you so much that I’m terrified of losing you, Penn.” A tear streams down my cheek, but he brushes it away.

“You could never lose me.”

“You don’t know that. I never thought I’d bury my husband…”

Pain etches itself into his features. “I know, and I hate that you’ve had to experience that pain, but the only thing we can do is focus on now.” He brings our clasped hands to his lips and presses a kiss to my skin. “When you went to the bathroom earlier, Donald said something to me that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”

“What did he say?” I ask through a sniffle.

“He said, if you were in a room full of every person you’ve ever met, who is the person you’d look for first?” My mouth falls open and my heart squeezes. With his eyes locked on mine, he continues. “The answer is you, Astrid. You’re the person I would look for in a crowded room over and over. It’ll only ever be you. You’remyperson.”

My entire body is overwhelmed by his words, by the love pouring out of him. His strength, his determination, his protectiveness and vulnerability have me in a chokehold. But his next words stun me even more.

“I’m in love with you, Astrid.” But before I can say anything, he presses a finger to my lips. “You don’t have to say anything back, okay? In fact, I don’t want you to. I just want you to know thatthis?” He waves his hand between our chests. “This is it for me. This is what I want. You and the kids. A life of the two of us chasing our dreams together, lots of naked times, and late-night talks. I want to build a future with you because you are the woman that was meant for me. Brandon may have been your first love, but I want to be your last.” He rests his forehead on mine. “I just need you to let me.”

And that’s when I know that it’s time to move on. It’s time to start fresh. It’s time to live my life knowing what it feels like to be loved and cherished and the most important person in someone else’s life.

Penn doesn’t need to know everything about my past. He doesn’t need to think differently about his best friend. All he needs to know is that I want the same things he does.

“I want that too,” I whisper as his head lifts from mine. “I want everything with you.”

The smile that overtakes his face is pure joy, contentment, and relief. “Astrid…”

But I don’t say anything else. Instead, I bring his lips to mine, seal our promise with a kiss, and vow to keep moving forward.

***

“I can’t believe this weekend has come to an end,” I mutter as I stare out the passenger window in Penn’s truck, our hands laced together on the center seat.

The coast is to our left as we head back into town and back to reality.

“I know, but I kind of miss the kids,” Penn says, making me smile.

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