Page 92 of Devoted

“Brooks, what are you…”

“You have cancer?” I barely get out as a whole new set of tears builds in my eyes. I struggle to decide on how to speak, move, or react as we stare each other down. I’m in disbelief, even though I subconsciously knew what I’d be hearing when I made my way down here.

But then I find my voice with more determination, with an anger I have for her for keeping this from me, and because yet another woman in my life has been diagnosed with the despicable disease. “You have cancer and you didn’t tell me?”

Katelyn stands frozen between us before she clears her throat. “I’m just going to leave you two alone. I’ll be back soon before they take you back, Jess… okay?”

Jess simply nods and then watches her sister walk away before focusing back on me, her eyes full of worry.

“I’m waiting for an explanation, Jess. I’m waiting for you to tell me why the hell you’re about to undergo surgery and I had no idea. Why did you hide this from me? What is going on?” I take a few steps closer to her bed as her lips begin to tremble and then she breaks, turning into the pillow and sobbing quietly.

“Baby,” I whisper as I crouch down beside her, stroking her face while I cry with her. “You can’t hide from me anymore. Tell me. Is this why you’ve been pushing me away?”

Her head slides across the pillow as she admits her truth with a nod. And I break, leaning my head down on the bed beside her as I let her get out her feelings, the sorrow and anguish pouring off of her and radiating through me.

“I have,” she hiccups and then rolls over so I can see her face more, wiping her hands across her cheeks and nose. “I have breast cancer, Brooks.”

“Fuck,” I say as my stomach coils again and everything she’s done in the last two weeks all makes sense. Nausea and understanding roll through me as anger joins in. “Jess, you didn’t tell me. I could have been there for you. When did you find out?”

“Two weeks ago, the night after your mother’s last chemo treatment. Don’t you get it, Brooks? How? How could I have told you? How could I ask you to be by my side when your mom needs you?”

“Do you honestly think that I wouldn’t support you through this? Do you not know how much I love you, Jessalyn Harris? How utterly and stupidly devoted to you I am? You are everything to me. You are my future.” My hands cradle her face as our eyes bounce back and forth between one another.

Her lips curl up again as she sobs once more. “You love me?”

“Of course I do. I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks, but you pushed me away. I didn’t know what was happening between us and I’ve been a mess, sweetheart. I’m so mad at you right now, but fuck if I don’t love you even more.”

“I love you too, Brooks. And I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to put this burden on you. Not again. Not when your mom is already going through it. It takes so much energy to support someone in this fight. I didn’t want to ask you for that too. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us.”

“I would give you all of me in a heartbeat, Jess. I can be there for you and my mom. I don’t have to choose. But you are my forever. Whatever obstacles you face in your life are my obstacles too. You’ve been my rock through the last five months. You’ve held me and listened to me cry about potentially losing my mom when you’ve already lost yours. You are one of the strongest people I know. Why did you not trust me to be that for you too?”

She sniffles and then sighs. “Because I didn’t know what kind of future I could offer you, Brooks. This disease is horrible. And it found me at twenty-nine. Who’s to say it won’t come back?”

“There’s no certainty in the future, Jess. But whatever that looks like, I want every day to be with you by my side. I love you and even if that means I only get five or ten years with you, I’ll consider myself a lucky man. Just don’t push me away. Let me be here.”

She pulls me towards her and encircles her arms around my neck as I maneuver myself on the bed to hug her back, soaking in the feeling of her skin against mine, warming the frigid shell I started to erect around my heart. A wave of calm washes over me just having her back in my arms, even though we’re nowhere near out of the woods yet. “I thought I could do this alone, but now I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I press my lips to side of her head as sobs wrack her body and I wait for them to subside. “So tell me. What’s the diagnosis? How did you find it? What’s the treatment plan?”

Jess spends the next few minutes filling me in—when she found the lump, the fact that it was only stage zero which is great news, her decision to have a double mastectomy to prevent it from coming back, and then the reconstruction and radiation that will follow.

“I’m also having my eggs frozen.”

“That’s smart. I’m glad you thought of that, because I want to have a million babies with you, Jessalyn Harris.”

She finally smiles at me and fuck if it doesn’t light me up on the inside. God, how I missed that smile, her light that has given me hope in the darkest moments of my life. “A million? I don’t know. I was thinking two, maybe three…”

“Anything you want, baby. I’m along for the ride.”

“I love you, Brooks. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back.”

“Hey, I get it. Even though I was pissed, on some level I understand where your mind was at. But I’m glad I know now and I’m not going anywhere, Jess. I’m in this, okay? I’ll be waiting for you in post-op. Dr. Lexington offered to let me watch, but I don’t want to. I don’t think I can handle it.”

“Are you still going to love me when I’m covered in scars? And my boobs are fake? This isn’t going to be easy, Brooks. My body is going to go through a lot and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it.”

I cup her face in my hands and stare down into those gorgeous, stormy grey eyes that caught my attention the moment I saw her at Skye’s. “I’m going to love you more for your scars. Those are your badges of honor, baby. Those markings make you a survivor, a fighter, the woman that I love that is doing everything in her power to live. You are beautiful because of your soul, Jess, not just your body. And I’m honored just to call you mine.”

Salty droplets fall from her eyes again as they hit my thumbs and I brush them away. “I love you, Brooks. And I‘m so sorry.”

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