Page 87 of Devoted

He stares down at me so intensely that I feel like I’m under interrogation. I watch the rise and fall of his chest before he finally takes a deep breath and speaks. “That’s all you have to say? Hi?”

“Yes. What are you doing here, Brooks?” I pull my light sweater closer around my body, wrapping myself up in its comfort because I am beyond worried right now. I’ve been such a coward about owning up to the truth, that I never realized that Brooks wasn’t going to accept my silence willingly.

“Jess, what the fuck is going on? Last time we saw each other, I thought we were good. My family loved you and we were inseparable when we could be. I know finding time to spend together can be tough with work and the time I need to be there for my mom, but I felt like we were making it work. And then all of a sudden, you’re pulling away from me. Did I… did I do something?” Ugh, this man clearly thinks he’s in the wrong when in my heart I know that what I’m about to do is the definition of wrong.

“No, Brooks. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was just… busy.”

“Busy? Too busy to tell me that your sister is visiting. Too busy to tell me you’re taking a month off of work?” Fuck, how did he find out about that already?

“Who… who told you that?” I’m shaking from nerves and anger, wondering if Piper said something to him after I made her swear not to.

“Alice. And Piper told me you called out today. Why? What the fuck is going on?”

It’s now or never, Jess. You have to let him go. You will only be another burden for him right now. Get through your surgery and radiation and make sure you have a life to offer him before you end up hurting him in the end.

“I…”

“If you’re done and you can’t handle this, then at least tell me to my face,” he interjects, cutting me off from my lame ass excuse about a family emergency and giving me an out that he won’t be able to refute.

I grab onto the door for balance and strength, absorbing the hurt in the eyes staring back at me. But I refuse to cause more harm for him, more damage, more pain when he’s already facing so much. I can’t do that to him, not to the man I love.

The universe is so cruel; it makes my stomach twist in knots, the slice of irony in my heart bleeding and pouring out every ounce of anger I’m feeling right now. Because I finally found him, my forever—and I don’t know that I’ll be able to offer him that.

“I can’t handle it.” The words slice through the air and I can see them penetrate him, cutting a hole in his chest as his body jumps back.

“What?” His voice is but a whisper from the shock I’m sure he’s feeling.

“I—I can’t handle it, Brooks. It’s too much. I’m sorry.” I move to shut the door, but he rushes forward and stops me.

“What the fuck? After everything? The past few months, our trip, the time we’ve grown close… you’re done just like that?” His eyes are dark and the faint hint of moisture building gets caught in my porch light. “Are you running away because you’re scared? Are you letting your fear win? Or is my mother’s illness truly that hard to witness for you?”

I nod, fighting back my own tears, telling myself silently that this is for the best. “Yes.” To all of it. “I’m sorry.” I push the door forward again and this time he doesn’t stop me—but the look on his face as he watches me literally close the door on us is one I will never forget.

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