Page 63 of Devoted

Chapter 19

Brooks

I knew the night of the speed dating event that taking Jess away on this trip is something I hoped would come to fruition. But now as we cruise on the highway, the soft hum of the music in the background slicing through the awkward silence, I never thought there would be this tension looming between us when we made this drive. Two and a half hours in the car has been nail-bitingly painful accompanying the tightness in my chest knowing Jess now knows about my secret.

But there is still so much more for us to talk about—why I hid it, how she feels about that, whether that changes things for us and what we’ve been building. Jess is the type of woman you marry and spend your life worshipping, and the longer I’ve been around her, the more I’ve realized it.

However, at this moment in time, there is only so much I can offer her. Hell, I’ve invested more energy in our relationship than I ever imagined I would when I moved home after my mother’s diagnosis. I never counted on meeting a woman that has me making plans for a future in Emerson Falls. But that future has always included my mom—watching her dote on my wife, love her grandchildren with the same gigantic heart she exhibited while raising me, and living long into her eighties, turning gray and still trying to boss me around.

The reality of the situation is that those images may never become reality, and it’s been a very hard pill to swallow. I just hope that Jess can be understanding enough to accept why I haven’t shared that with her.

“We’re here,” I announce as I pull into the parking lot of the Beachfront Inn, the quaint hotel that is minutes from the beach on the coast of Oregon.

“You brought me to the beach?” Jess turns to me, her face full of surprise and a slight twinge of fear in the way her eyes widen.

“Yeah. I thought the salty air would have given it away.”

She gazes back at the hotel, turning silent on me once more, winding up the sutures that are barely holding my heart together right now. I’ve never felt this kind of anxiety in my chest, but between my mother being sick and not knowing where I stand with the woman I’m falling for, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together.

I hope I wasn’t wrong in thinking that this scenery would be the perfect place for me to bare my fears, given how Jess feels about the ocean. But I couldn’t think of a more romantic setting to hopefully put us back on track.

“After you told me how much you loved the beach, I knew I wanted to bring you here. Come on. Let’s go get checked in.”

I park the car, help Jess out, and then hold her hand in mine as we walk up to the lobby. The pale blue color of the building almost makes it blend in with the surrounding sky, but stepping inside grants you with hues of green and bright white walls, very crisp and clean and reminiscent of what you would expect of a hotel near the beach.

Once I check us in and get our keycards, we hop back in the car and drive around the hotel to a space near our room.

“Wow, this is beautiful,” Jess declares as we walk through the door to our room for the next two nights, my hands pulling our suitcases behind me. The room is decorated is white and soft grey with luxurious bedding and subtle pops of blue and green in the décor. There’s only one bed though, a detail I hope Jess won’t consider me being presumptuous about. Even if we don’t have sex on this trip, I still wanted to be able to hold her while we slept. I crave the feeling of the woman in my arms, and I plan on soaking up that feeling as much as I can in these next few days.

I roll the suitcases to a stop by the closet, opening the accordion doors up and depositing them inside, before realizing that I know little about how Jess likes to travel. Is she one of those that unpacks the second she arrives, or does she live out of her suitcase the entire time? Even more scary is the idea that she could be one of those people who actually puts their clothes in the drawers of the dresser in the room? I’ve never understood people who do that.

“Would you like to unpack first? Or relax for a bit?” My eyes are glued to her as she glides to the floor to ceiling windows that open up to a small balcony providing an unobstructed view of the ocean. Her long black hair is braided and draped over one of her shoulders and her sunglasses are perched high on her head. The long navy dress she chose for comfort still clings to her hips and makes me itch to reach out and pull her into me. I’m falling so hard for this girl and she has the potential to destroy me if she doesn’t like the explanation I have for how I’ve been acting.

As I contemplate my impending reaction to her denial, she turns to me and grants me the most beautiful smile I think I’ve seen from her. “It’s so beautiful, Brooks. Thank you for bringing me here. It’s been years since I’ve been and just watching the waves roll in is calming me in a way I’ve missed. I really just want to go back outside and soak it in. Is that okay?”

I shove my hands in my pockets as I stare back at her, absorbing the image of her happiness for just a moment. “Of course that’s okay, and you’re welcome. Come on. Let’s get something to eat and then we’ll walk down to the sand.” I hold out a hand for her as she moves across the room, interlocking her fingers with mine before we exit and make our way down to the sidewalk.

The thing that sold me on our location is that we’re literally within walking distance of numerous restaurants and the beach. There’s also a tidepool area about fifteen minutes away that is an easy drive if Jess wants to explore that tomorrow. It’s late afternoon right now, so I figured we could catch an early dinner, walk on the shore, maybe grab some homemade gelato, and then turn in early to prepare for sightseeing in the morning—that is if Jess stays after everything I need to say.

Hand in hand, we stroll along and peer into windows of little shops, perusing knick knacks and touristy items before we arrive at a bistro that had raving reviews online. After we stuff ourselves on lobster bisque, fish and chips, and crab cakes, the sun is setting, which is the perfect moment to make our way to the shore.

“God, this is so beautiful,” Jess exclaims as we find a spot on the sand to take a seat. “I pity people who never get to experience a sunset on the ocean. There’s nothing like it.” I urge her to sit between my legs so my chest is pressed up against her back and my arms can encircle her to help keep her warm.

“I agree, but definitely not as beautiful as the woman sitting right here with me.” My touch lingers as I press a light kiss to the spot beneath her ear while her body shivers in my arms.

“Smooth, Dr. Bennet.” A light chuckle leaves her lips before she turns to the side and her face grows serious when our eyes lock. “Brooks… I believe we have some things we need to discuss.”

I let out a lengthy sigh as I surrender to the moment that I knew was coming, the time to bare it all to Jess since that’s what she deserves. I only hope I can keep my frustration in check as I desperately explain my behavior.

“Yeah. Okay, well? Where do I begin?”

“There’s no need to rush,” she says as her hand cups my cheek, the warmth of her skin fighting off the chill coming from the water. “I’m not going anywhere. Just please be honest. What kind of cancer does she have?”

“Okay. I had no intention of moving back to Emerson Falls until my mom called me back in early March. She found a lump on her breast and immediately made an appointment with her doctor. They followed protocol and discovered it was cancerous. But when they told her it was stage three and inoperable, that’s when I knew I needed to come home.”

Jess’s entire body slumps as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in. “I’m so sorry, Brooks. She’s started chemo though, right?”

I nod. “Yes, and radiation will follow to try to shrink the cancer so an operation can be possible in the future. She’s my only parent, Jess. You know my dad took off when they divorced. She’s my family—her and Ethan and his mom. I… I can’t lose her.” The last thing I want to do is break down again in front of her, but I can feel the tears threaten to fall as I confess my fears. I’m in one of the most beautiful settings with the most beautiful woman, and I all I feel is fear.

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