Page 20 of Devoted

He’s demonstrated to me that he’s intelligent, caring, sarcastic, and charming—all qualities that increasingly make it harder to resist him.

Brooks is a unicorn in a field of donkeys, even though he proved in our first encounter that he could channel his inner ass from time to time as well.

And well, now I’m experiencing that same out-of-mind experience—because although I have this perfectly fine, somewhat attractive male in front of me, engaging in light and pleasant conversation, all my body registers is that somewhere in this building is a man that my heart and body yearns for. The hairs on my neck stand up as I feel him getting closer, but the dividers between tables make it impossible to see where he is. It’s almost like my body has a beacon that flashes any time he’s near, and now the rise in my blood pressure turns the call into a 9-1-1 emergency.

My first date Justin, the poor guy, speaks almost the entire fifteen minutes while I nod along, drawing a sip from my vodka and cranberry occasionally in between flashing him a polite smile as he changes the topics of our conversation a few times. I maybe say a total of ten words before our time is up. He has the guts to ask me for my number, so I oblige, hoping that maybe in a different setting I could actually invest myself in getting to know him.

The second and third guys are friendly as well, but there’s no spark, especially since the only fireworks shooting off in my body are at the thought of Brooks being here.

I still don’t understand how this happened. It can’t be that perfect of a coincidence for him to show up here tonight on his own accord. I didn’t think he’d be dating so soon after just having moved back here anyway, but then again I know little about his life. There has to be a catch, and that mystery is what I try to solve in my brain while my second and third dates draw out their entire life stories.

Guy number four mentions his ex-wife about twenty times during our fifteen minutes, which is more than one time per minute for those of you keeping tabs. But obviously, I’ve attracted another guy who is hung up on the woman that came before me, just like Trent. Maybe I have a flashing sign above my head that is calling to these men?

Attention! Come tell this girl all about the one that got away or use her to get back at them! Free of charge, except for the emotional damage you’ll inflict on her! And if you really want the full package, sleep with her so you can meet the love of your life right after! But apparently the universe thinks she can handle it! So go ahead! Take advantage of this free service!

Okay, so obviously that all wouldn’t fit on a sign above my head, but you get the drift.

After date number four ends and the woman in charge announces the break, I let out a sigh of relief mixed with failure just as Rachel saunters up to me.

“Hey, so funny story. You’ll never guess who’s here?” Her excitement is oozing from her smile, so I’m guessing it’s someone she’s invested in.

“Who?”

“Luke!” She whispers, making me draw back in shock.

“Wow!”

“Yeah. He ended up being my fourth date, and he asked me if I wanted to leave, so we are. Oh my god, Jess. This is so meant to be, don’t you think?”

I nod. “Definitely. You have to go. This is the perfect opportunity to explore what’s between the two of you.”

“I just feel bad leaving you.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m doing okay. My first date was slightly promising, so we exchanged numbers. Two and three were duds, and number four was hung up on his ex-wife. But hey, I still have four more chances!” I flash her a fake smile as she purses her lips.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? Have you seen Brooks again?”

“No, you go. Don’t stay here on account of me. Go take advantage of alone time with Luke. And no, I haven’t seen him. But I know he’s here. My body won’t let me forget it.”

She nods and then tilts her head at me. “Okay, if you’re sure. Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes.”

“I will. Have fun! Use protection.” I wink at her as she rolls her eyes and then returns to her giddy self from just moments before. She’s so far down the rabbit hole of her Luke Henderson crush that I can’t wait to see what tonight develops for her.

Turning back to face the room, I notice the line at the bar is long as people desperately try to refill their glasses of liquid courage, so I take the opportunity to use the bathroom, hoping the line is far less daunting. Sure enough, my intuition was correct and I walk right in and drop my purse on the counter as I reach for my gloss and drag a smear of the red hue across my lips, contemplating whether sticking around for the rest of the night is even worthwhile at this point.

I want the ardent relationship with a person I consider my best friend and love of my life. I crave someone to come home to after my long shifts at the hospital, or someone to lie in bed with all day on my days off. Maybe deep down, I’m just a hopeless romantic that has now kept men at a distance because I’m so tired of being hurt and feeling let down by circumstances in my life.

My parents’ marriage was a fitting example of genuine love before my mom died, so it’s not like I have daddy-issues hanging me up, or a horrible example of a marriage that’s keeping me jaded. Mostly I think it’s just fear at this point—that I could find everything I’ve wanted and it will be torn from me again.

When will I know that it’s okay to risk my heart again? Will there ever be an end to this curse that I’m scared will haunt me forever? There has to be a relief in my tragic dating life just on the horizon, or else I fear I’m destined to walk this earth alone.

Because there are two other ladies in the room with me at the moment, I give myself a silent pep-talk, assuring my shaken demeanor that there has to be at least one guy in here that is three-quarters normal sprinkled with a dash of handsome, a man that could make me feel like the decision to take a leap of faith in love is worth it.

My appearance is in check and I know I have a lot to offer someone, so I chant that over and over to myself while locking in on my own eyes in the mirror, mustering up the energy to make the most of the second half of the evening. I can’t continue to live in fear forever because if I do my life will have passed me by and I don’t want to live with that regret.

After I use the toilet and then wash my hands, I gather my purse and make my way back to the event.

But apparently Brooks had other plans—because him standing outside of the door as I exit, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest as he waited for me derails every ounce of confidence I managed to build up again in the last five minutes. His dirty blonde hair is perfectly tousled, his brown eyes darker from the dim lighting in the club's hallway we’re in, and his black suit and white shirt are molded to his body in a way that blue scrubs could never compete with. He’s strikingly handsome, watching me with an intensity that makes me shudder as I freeze in my movement.

But his deep and steady voice extracts the last drop of half-assed certainty from my soul as he locks his eyes on mine and holds me captive with his gaze.

“Hey, Jess.”

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