Page 72 of Revived

“Oh, Luke. Don’t you think…”

“I don’t know what I fucking think right now! That’s the problem, okay!” My temper flares again as even my sister is taken aback by my reaction.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry for pushing you.”

“No… fuck!” I drag both hands through my hair this time. “I’m sorry. I just… it’s just a lot to consider right now.”

Tenley reaches out for me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to have all the answers immediately, Luke. Just don’t mess up what you already have established with her while you sort out your feelings.”

“I’m trying not to.”

“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“Yeah.” That’s all I can say, because until you go through it, no one will ever be able to understand the all-consuming guilt that wracks my mind and body every day knowing I’m still in love with my dead wife while I’m falling for a new woman.

When Grayson and I arrive home, I unpack his things and we decide to make grilled chicken legs and baked potatoes for dinner. It’s one of the few meals made of real food that my child actually enjoys. After we kick around a soccer ball out back and he takes a bath, I’m just putting him to bed as Rachel walks through the door.

“Rachel!” Grayson yells, leaping from his bed and running down the hall into her arms the second she sees him coming.

“Grayson! Oh my gosh, I missed you little man! How was your weekend?” She lifts him into her arms and walks him back towards me, both of them so transfixed on each other, all I can do is watch in awe. The woman loves my son and me. What more could I want? Why isn’t that enough to show me this is right? A new wave of guilt hits me as I listen to them catch up while perched in his bed before I’m summoned for a goodnight kiss and hug.

“Sweet dreams, little guy.” Rachel leans down and kisses his forehead as his eyes start to droop.

“Night, Rachel. I love you,” he mumbles, but she and I both heard it, her face flying over to mine so fast as the tears build in her eyes.

“I love you too, Grayson.” She plants one more kiss on his face, lingering for a few seconds, and then steps outside of his room, waiting for me.

When I shut his door, she’s standing there stunned yet elated. “That was incredible.”

“Yeah. I remember when he said it to me for the first time. I held him for an hour after he fell asleep, savoring that feeling.”

“I literally feel like my heart could burst right now,” she says, her palm resting over the center of her chest, tear stains on her cheeks.

“How was your shift?”

“Good. Long. I honestly just couldn’t wait to get home to you and Grayson.” She walks towards me, wrapping her arms around my waist, my dick waking up with her proximity. The woman loves my son, loves me, and feels so right in my arms.

So the problem must be me. Am I never going to be able to open myself up completely to someone else ever again?

“I think we should tell him soon,” she suggests, retrieving the apprehension I just tried to smother.

“I know. I think so too. Maybe after Hannah’s parents leave? They’ll be here next week.”

Her eyes shuffle between mine, like she’s trying to read between the lines. “Okay…”

“Look. It’s not that I don’t want you to meet them and I don’t want to tell Grayson. It’s just… they’re not the easiest people to deal with and seeing Grayson each year always brings up a lot of emotions for them, especially her mom. I don’t want to throw anything else at them while they’re trying to spend time with their grandson, you know?”

Her head slowly rises and falls. “Yeah. That makes sense. But then we’ll tell him… together?” She’s pleading with me using just her eyes, conveying to me how important this is to her. And I know it needs to happen too.

“Yes. Together.”

“Okay.” She smiles wide, pressing her lips to mine before she retreats to the bathroom. “Now, I’m going to go take a shower and after, I’d better see you in my bed, naked and waiting for me.”

Her mischievous grin wakes up my cock again as I fight to submerge that uneasiness once more. Focusing on our connection, I grant myself permission to just be in the moment. Enjoy her, enjoy us, not having to decide about our future right now.

The future is not now, Luke. Carpe Diem. Breathe in your life and celebrate how far you’ve come.

And so I do. For the next week, I spend each day basking in the present—laughing with my son, making love to the beautiful woman that is making me feel alive again, and savoring the sunshine and summer while making memories with the two people who are my family.

Until the night before Hannah’s parents arrive, when I have the nightmare of her accident again for the third time that week. Only this time, it’s not Hannah’s body in the driver’s seat…

It’s Rachel’s.

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