Page 42 of Revived

I inhale deeply and then flip open the first page, taken aback as I stare at one of the first pictures of Hannah and me taken just after we started dating. As I keep flipping, I can’t help the smile that accompanies my tears as I recall the memories of our relationship, describing the G-rated details to my son—how we met, the places we went together, the things we liked to do—and then the night I asked her to marry me.

“Did you give her a ring?” My son looks up at me with big eyes.

“Oh, yeah. A beautiful diamond that sparkled in the sun.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, she loved that ring,” I recall, looking down at the picture from the night we laid in the hammock and she admitted her fear of losing me.

“She was so pretty, Daddy. But Rachel is pretty too.” My son’s words catch me off guard because the last person I thought he’d bring up right now is Rachel.

“Yes, Rachel is very pretty.”

“She’s really nice too. And fun.”

“I agree.”

Grayson takes it upon himself to turn to the next page where photos from our wedding are placed, the look of love in our eyes is undeniable.

“This was the day we got married.” I point to a picture of our first dance as husband and wife, our faces so joyous, our eyes cemented on each other and nothing else, the only part of the picture in focus was us.

He stays silent for a minute, his eyes bouncing all over the page. “Are you gonna marry Rachel, Daddy?”

His words make me stumble and my body shake from the thunder of my heart beating. “What? Uh, I don’t know, bud.” I give the most vague answer I can because the thought of getting married again makes my body want to break out in hives. I never imagined I would marry someone else. But the thought of Rachel wearing a white dress walking towards me isn’t a vision I hate.

“I’m tired, Daddy.” Grayson yawns, so naturally, I do the same.

“Okay, bud. We can look at this again another time.”

“Thank you for showing me my Mommy, Daddy.” He smiles up at me and instantly, the tightness in my chest subsides. That definitely wasn’t easy, but I know it was the right thing to do and the time was coming. And now, thanks to Rachel and my mom, I have any easy way to share more of Hannah with Grayson each time the conversation arises.

“You’re welcome, Grayson. Good night. I love you.” I grant him a kiss and then shut off the lights, closing the door behind me. When I walk back into the living room, I notice Rachel isn’t on the couch where she normally would wait for me. I told her we would talk, but since we arrived home, she’s been keeping her distance. Dinner was light on conversation, and she even avoided eye contact with me the rest of the time we were at my parents’ house.

“Rach?” I knock quietly on her bedroom door as I hear sniffles come from behind it. “Rachel…” The sight of her curled up on her bed makes my heart drop. “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”

She sits up and wipes her face, clearing fluids and making me feel so shitty for hurting her.

“Luke, I’m sorry. I just… I heard you two in there and I couldn’t help it. I’m so sorry that she’s not here…”

“Aw, Rach. It’s not your fault…”

“I know. And I didn’t mean to upset you earlier. It’s just… Grayson asks about her all the time and I never know what to say, mostly because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but also because you never talk about her. I know nothing about Hannah either, so I thought the album would be a great way to explain things to Grayson and it helped me understand a bit more. But please, Luke… please know that I am not trying to replace her. I don’t want you, or Grayson, or anyone else to think that! That’s not my intention…”

I don’t wait for her to finish, I just run to her and push my mouth against hers, tasting her salty tears on her lips. I lose myself in her mouth, the feel of her body as I pull her to me and she encircles my neck with her hands. We kiss and touch and unite—because no matter what I want to think, there’s a connection here between Rachel and me that is way beyond physical. I feel like she’s meant to be in our lives right now, and that’s more comforting that I anticipated.

“I know that you’re not trying to replace her, Rachel,” I whisper when we part, our foreheads still touching. “And again, I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. It caught me off-guard and it made me face some issues I’ve been having regarding you.”

“Me?”

I nod, pulling back and brushing her hair from her face. “Yeah. You make me feel all sorts of things, Rach. Things I haven’t felt but for one other person. It scares me and I know you’ve been patient with me and I appreciate that more than you know. I’m just afraid I’m going to fuck this up. Say something or do something that’s going to make you leave.”

“You and Grayson mean so much to me, Luke. I’m the one that stands to be hurt here, I know that. But I also know that you’re worth it.” Her green eyes stare deep into mine, and in that moment I give myself permission to keep discovering what this is. I’ll never be able to know what Hannah feels about this. But I know what I feel—and that’s a need for Rachel in my arms, her lips on mine, and for us to keep moving forward, breaking through the obstacles ahead of us.

“You’re worth my struggles too, Rach. I can’t tell you when I’ll be ready to keep moving forward, but I’m getting there.”

“I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m so sorry again,” she says as I press my finger to her lips.

“Stop apologizing. What you did was selfless and incredible. Thank you.” I contemplate staying, holding her until we both fall asleep. But the risk of Grayson walking in on us is too great. So even though my desire for her is strong, I know it’s not the time to cross that line yet. And with each kiss and caress of our hands on each other, it’s making it more difficult to not erase that boundary.

We kiss once more before I leave her room and head to my own, my thoughts swirling around in my mind from everything I’ve felt today. It’s getting easier with each passing day, letting Rachel into my mind and heart. But something is still holding me back from progressing the physical part of our relationship, and as always, I’m hoping something will happen that will show me it’s okay to continue to move forward.

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