Page 41 of Revived

Chapter 14

Luke

A gust of wind rustles the leaves of the trees as I walk through the cemetery, closing in on Hannah’s grave. I usually visit every year on Mother’s Day, but my original plan was to visit later after brunch. Well, thanks to the gift that left a pit in my stomach, I ended up here a tad earlier than planned.

The headstone comes into view, a stark reminder of the final resting place of my wife and the loss she left behind in my heart. When I arrive, I take a moment to read the words etched into the marble—her name, birth date and date of death, and the three words we chose to describe her—wife, mother, friend. The small picture of her that sits in the center showcases her beautiful smile and instantly brings me to my knees.

“Hannah,” I crumble, resting my head on the side of her stone when I situate myself to lean back against it. “This doesn’t seem to get any easier, babe. Every year I tell myself this should hurt less, but it doesn’t… especially as our son grows bigger every day and looks more and more like you.” I reach up to brush a tear away as I stare off into the distance, the rows of markers reminding me I’m not the only one to lose someone close.

“I’m sure you know about Rachel now, the woman who’s been taking care of Grayson and I’ve slowly been letting in. There’s something about her, Hannah. She instantly caught my attention that day at the college and how easily she interacted with our son. She has this energy about her that is so transparent in how much she enjoys life, yet she’s not afraid to admit when she has a bad day too. I feel comfortable with her, which is so freaking scary… because the last person I felt that way with was you.”

Taking in a deep breath, I let it out as I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of flowers nearby.

“I didn’t even bring you flowers. I was in such a rush to get out of there… I’m sorry.” Keeping my eyes shut tight, memories start to flood my mind. “That album, Hannah. I didn’t even look inside because I knew it would be just what Grayson needs. He’s been asking more and more about you every day, and I want him to know who you were and how we fell in love. I want him to know our story… but it’s hard. And I know that having Rachel around isn’t making things less complicated for him. I just want to do the right thing, even if it is painful for me. I know I shouldn’t have walked out… I just…”

Silence descends on my mind as I think back to the day Grayson was born, a sunny day in the beginning of June that changed my entire life. We were so happy, the three of us as a family. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did.

“I never want to replace you, Hannah. I hope you know that. I could never replace you.” With those words, I fall apart, hanging my head between my knees and letting the tears fall, each drop leaving my body, taking the emotions of this day that are too strong to contain and the guilt that’s still there for how my feelings for Rachel are growing with it.

The past few weeks have been the brightest in my life in years, and I know it’s because of her. She’s been so patient and understanding. I feel like I don’t deserve her because of the love I still harbor for my wife. How I feel about Hannah is so strong, I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let Rachel in completely—and that is the most terrifying notion to me of all.

Once I relax and gather myself, I stand and kiss my fingers, then rest them on top of her headstone, preparing to leave.

“I love you, Hannah. Please tell me what to do. Show me something that will help me move on. I want to. I think Rachel could be someone I can see myself with… but I need to know that it’s okay. That you’re rooting me on from the other side of the stars.”

As I settle back in my car and drive to my parent’s house, I apprehend the need to talk to Rachel, explain my reaction, and just be honest with her. I can’t imagine what she must be thinking right now, knowing I ran out of the house the second I saw the gift she obviously invested time into making for me and my son.

“Daddy! You’re back! Are you okay?” Grayson runs up to me when I enter the house.

“Yeah, I’m okay, bud. Thanks for asking. I just needed some time to think.”

“You do that a lot, Daddy. You got a lot of stuff to think about?” Grayson’s inquisitive look instantly brings a smile to my face.

“Yeah. Lots of stuff. That’s what happens when you grow up.”

Shaking his head, he turns to Rachel, who just came around the corner from the kitchen. “Rachel, I don’t want to grow up. Daddy says you have to think a lot and I don’t want to. I just want to play.” And as if he just completed a metaphorical mic drop, he runs out the back door and climbs onto the swing set in a flash.

“Hey,” I manage to say, meeting her eyes.

“Luke, I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize. We’ll talk later, okay?”

She nods, her face full of sadness and remorse. I take a few steps to her and reach for her chin, tilting it up until her eyes meet mine.

“I’m not mad at you, Rachel, okay? I just… I had a moment and needed to process it. Don’t worry.” Leaning down, I plant a chaste kiss on her lips and when our eyes pop back open, I see that hers have softened a bit.

“I understand.”

We make our way to the backyard, joining my parents and watching Grayson play for another hour before we return home. When bedtime approaches later that night, I grab the photo album before I enter Grayson’s room, anxious to open it but knowing that it’s the right thing to do. My son deserves to know about his mom, no matter how painful it is for me to talk about her. At least this way, we can talk about her together and I can be reminded of the amazing human being we created before she left this earth.

“Daddy. Are you gonna look at the pictures with me?” Grayson asks as I get comfortable in his bed with him, both of us resting our backs on the headboard as we sit up against it.

“Yeah, bud. I want to see what you made,” I say, choking back my tears already.

“I only made the front part. Rachel and Grandma did the inside.” My head turns to the door so fast, I get dizzy. Rachel and my mom took it upon themselves to make this and hadn’t even shown Grayson?

“Oh. Okay, well… let’s look at it together then, shall we?”

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