Page 36 of Tangled

Kane

“So what brings you in today, Kane? I haven’t seen you in a few months.”

It’s three in the afternoon on a Wednesday and I’m hunched forward, arms resting on my knees on my therapist’s couch. My chest is tight and my mind is exhausted ever since my panic attack on Friday and then my confrontation with Olivia that night. I ran several miles trying to work off the adrenaline. I even thought maybe a ride on my motorcycle would help clear my head. But I couldn’t muster up the courage to jump on my bike in the state of mind I was in.

So when my therapist responded to my text on Monday that she had an opening today, I took it. I know that therapy has helped me learn much more about myself than I could have realized, and it helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life.

Surely it can help me through whatever the fuck this is that I’m feeling.

“I, uh, had a panic attack on Friday.”

“Really?” Dr. Martinez perches in her chair, sitting up taller and eager to take notes with her pen and paper in hand. This Hispanic woman in her fifties may look sweet, but she’s made me face my demons harder than Tony ever could. I love her and borderline hate her at the same time.

I sit up and wipe my hands down my slacks, itching to get rid of the moisture that has been gathered there for days.

Sweaty palms, increased heart rate, a tight chest—all indicators of my anxiety flaring up.

“Yeah. It happened in the morning before school started. I was able to talk myself down, used some of the breathing techniques we’ve discussed. But the truth is, it scared me.”

“Scared you? How so?”

I clear my throat before answering. “It happened after speaking with a colleague of mine. A woman…”

Dr. Martinez lowers her head so she can peer at me above her teal-rimmed glasses.

“A woman?” The look on her face is all-knowing, yet she’s still waiting for me to say the words.

“Yeah. I, uh, kind of slept with her.”

She sits back in her chair and clicks her pen, placing the ballpoint on the paper, ready to document. “Let’s start at the beginning….”

“So, you surrendered yourself to the physical connection you felt with this woman, but what you’re feeling is beyond physical?”

I nod. “Yeah, and it freaks me the fuck out.”

“Language, Kane,” she scolds me.

“Sorry. I just… it’s been three years since Natasha and not once have I felt the desire to get to know a woman beyond what will make her come. And even when I took a break from sex, there wasn’t a woman who caught my eye like Olivia has. It’s… I’m terrified.”

“Terrified is a strong word to use. Why choose that one?”

I sit back and think about what she’s asking. Terrified, by definition, means to ‘fill with terror or alarm; to make greatly afraid.’ And the thought of opening myself up to someone again makes me feel just that.

“Because all I feel is an extreme fear at the thought of trying to have a relationship again. But for the life of me, I can’t get this woman out of my head. Even when I thought it was just going to be for the night, by the time I left, I wondered if there was a chance we could make it more than a one-time thing. Our physical connection was insane, obviously. But there was more there. I want to explore it. I want to see if there could be more… but I’m not sure I’m ready for that commitment again. However, I do know that she’s the first person who’s made me think about it.”

“I think that’s definitely something to consider. For the three years that you’ve been coming to me, you’ve never mentioned a woman before, besides Natasha, of course. If you’re here because of her, I think that’s worth exploring.”

“But… how do I do this? I mean, think about it… the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with was Natasha. She was my high school sweetheart. I never dated. I never wooed anyone but her. I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been out of the game my whole adult life pretty much. I’m going to fuck it up.”

Dr. Martinez shoots me a scowl at my language again, but I ignore it.

“You start small. You simply vow to get to know her and try to be honest with her about your intentions. If she’s the woman you describe her to be, she will appreciate your honesty and hopefully give you the chance to prove yourself. The only way you can move past Natasha, Kane, is by putting yourself out there. You have come so far since your time overseas and after what not only Natasha but T.J. also did to you. You experienced a deep-rooted betrayal that has made you question your trust in people, yet you’ve let people in since then.”

“Who? Who have I let in, because all I can think about is how many people I’ve pushed out?”

“Drew and his wife, Tammy, the other men you work with…”

“But they’re all my friends, not someone I’m interested in romantically…”

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