Page 8 of Eternally Devoted

I shrug. “That’s what I want.” My stomach sours.

“Now, I mean, how you gonna feel if they do go out?” he asks after a belch tears from his chest, echoing under the eaves of the grocery store.

Ignoring the pain that sluices from me at just the mention of them together, I shrug. Envisioning them fucking is a turn-on, but imagining their hands linked in daylight not in the throes of passion, it hurts. It’s confusing that imagining them together in my mind feels both right and wrong. They’d make a good couple. Jealousy is natural. “Fine. Seeing two friends happy together is… good.”

Keanu claps his hand on my shoulder. “Are they just friends, though?”

“My best friends,” I correct, because it’s true.

“Here’s the thing, man, I’m thinking you love Juni. Right? And you have for a while. I’ve been letting you swim in denial because no harm, no foul. And I’m no love lifeguard. But thisidea of Sterling and Juni getting together. It doesn’t make sense.” He smirks as he moves toward the squad car, grabbing and tossing our now empty Coke bottles in the trash on the way. “Completely whack.”

Inside, the AC returns, blasting us as he peers at me. “I think, though, my man, you’re in deeper denial than I realized.”

“Deeper?” I question, not denying his observation about me loving Juni.

“That’s what she said,” Keanu replies with a snort. “And yeah. Because I also don’t think Juni is the only one you got it bad for.”

I blink at him, lost and completely confused. In my mind, I sift through the very short list of women I’ve dated in Bluebell.

Meg.

Never went beyond three dates. “I’ve been on three dates in two years, dude. I have no clue what you mean.”

“Sterling,” he states simply while fidgeting with the AC vents.

“What?” I retort, sinking against the locked door to glare shockingly at him. “I don’t have it bad for Sterling. He’s my roommate. He’s my best friend.”And he’s a man, but I don’t say that because obviously Keanu knows. Instead I say, “And I’m not gay.”

Reversing the cruiser, Keanu glances my way once we’re driving on open road. “No, you’re not. You’re bisexual, or some variation of that. Either way, what does it matter what label you’re wearing? Sterling’s dope. Youlooovehim. It’s not a big deal.”

“I don’t—” I start. “I’m not—” I attempt a response but no rebuttal comes. Saying that I don’tlovehim feels wrong, but if I admitted I did like him it would be a big fucking deal. Instead I stay quiet, keeping my attention on the landscape that whips past the window. Keanu drives toward Goode’s.

After parking, he runs in and I choose to stay in the cruiser. Being alone can sometimes be my favorite thing, so I can get lost in my thoughts without any distractions. Like returning to a dream, trying desperately to sink back into sleep where you can find the same ethereal fantasy. I think about what Keanu said as I watch people in Goode’s through the windows that separate us.

The same vision from earlier flashes through my mind.

Sterling fucking Juniper.

Only this time, I squeeze my eyes shut, altering the fantasy, this time envisioning Juniper next tomeon the bed, our naked hips pressed together. Above us, Sterling hovers, his large frame swaying, radiating desire. My eyes fly open as I grow hard, my erection poking against the tight fabric of my work chinos.

“Fuck,” I exhale, my heart racing. I always thought picturing them together or noticing things I like about Sterling was all just part of our unique relationship. Not my sexual evolution.

But now, with a painfully obvious erection keeping me rooted to the cruiser seat, I think Keanu may be right.

Maybe I do want Sterling for real.

During the summer, the farmers market does mid-week pop-ups, like today. Juniper’s brother-in-law started, runs and hosts the market. It’s an important tradition to their families.

Sterling hasn’t missed a single one and since I’ve been able, neither have I.

My limbs grow heavy, the sensation of hot sand spreading through them like lava through earth as we pass the rows of cars on Dolly and Hudson’s property. Not a single one of them are the large, fully loaded, clean white truck that Sterling drives. I getout my phone, searching for a message from him that he’s sick, or running late, or any other explanation as to why he isn’t here.

He’s always here.

But there’s nothing but our last message, agreeing to our talk tonight.

“Up there,” I advise Keanu, who dips the cruiser into a spot tucked under an oak tree near Juniper’s family barn. He parks the car, kicking up dust in his wake as he beelines for the fudge booth.

I shake hands with Deuce, say hello to Hudson, then make my way to his booth, buying a liter of strawberry milk. After she chats with one of the girls helping her, Dolly makes her way to me, a pink-cheeked baby girl on her hip.

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