Page 47 of Sinful Lies

I snuggle into his arms, breathing in his musky smell as I try to focus on the sound of his breathing.

But I should know better than that.

For in the silence, it all comes flooding back.

No matter where I am, the moment the night comes, and I close my eyes,he’s there plaguing my dreams.

Sweat breaks out over my skin and my breathing turns ragged as my heart rate spikes.

I shrug out of Dimitri’s arms and turn to lie on my back, resting one hand on my heart and the other on my stomach to try and ground myself.

I am safe.

Memories flash behind my eyes, and my breath catches.

I am safe.

I repeat the mantra over and over in my head, trying my best to calm my breathing so as not to wake Dimitri. The last thing I need is for him to wake up and catch me in the beginning of a spiral.

I don’t need to burden him with the reality of my trauma, to show him how truly damaged I am.

So, I continue to silently speak my mantra, hoping that I’ll eventually grow so tired that I’ll fall into a dreamless sleep.

But sleep never comes.

I don’t know how long I lie awake, staring at the ceiling.

It doesn’t take long for the sound of Dimitri’s breath togrow heavier with sleep, but I find little comfort knowing he’s beside me.

If anything, it makes my thoughts spiral even more.

I knew this would happen. I knew having sex would trigger the memories, but I did it anyway.

I had hoped that finally being intimate with someone I knew and trusted would help, but as the darkness starts to tug at my thoughts, it’s clear how wrong I was.

I curse my younger self for getting caught up in a situation that has left me fearing any sort of intimacy with a man. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so trusting, sonaive, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess.

Life can change in an instant, but not for the better.

That day broke something in me, and I thought I had managed to put myself back together. To patch over the wounds left behind until I could resemble someone close to who I was before. But it turns out I’m not as strong as I thought.

Those wounds turned to scars that cover every inch of my skin, leaving me unrecognizable.

My hands clutch at my throat as I stare up at the ceiling.

I can’t breathe.

I’m not safe.

My lungs are burning as I open my mouth to try and take a breath, but it’s no use.

There’s no air.

I’m going to die?—

I throw back the covers and climb out of bed, rushing through to the bathroom to empty my stomach into the toilet.

Tears stream down my face as my stomach heaves, my naked body shivering as I kneel on the cold tiles.

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