Page 60 of Reverse Perspective

“Pass,” I say.

“Baby, I love you so much, but I refuse to let you sit here and become a hermit. That is not who you are,” Lance says.

“It is now,” I say curtly.

“Goddamnit, Sadie. You haven’t even stepped out of the house in two weeks. You’ve been in the living room once since then. We don’t even know what happened. We want to help you, but we’re in the fucking dark over here,” Lance says, raising his voice slightly.

“Yeah, because being shitty to me is definitely going to help that, Lance,” I say with an attitude as I get out of bed. I go to step past him but he puts his arm around my abdomen to pull me in front of him.

“Talk to me, Sadie. For the love of God, just say something. Literally anything. Everyone is so afraid to say something to you because we don’t know what is going to trigger you. I know you have no obligation and you owe us nothing, but please let us help you.”

“No. Just forget about me. Move on,” I mumble and pull away. I manage to get out of the door before he catches me again.

This time he pushes my back against the wall and puts his hands on either side of me so that I am blocked in by him. It’s not panic that I feel when he does this. It’s rage. “Leave me alone, Lance,” I yell at him. I surprise myself when I shout at him, but he doesn’t look surprised. This just pisses me off more and I try to push him away from me. Before I can slip away, he grabs my wrists and pins the above my head.

“Stop it and listen, Sadie,” he says calmly.

“Fucking let go. Just leave me alone. None of you are obligated to give a fuck about me,” I scream at him. I see Mason, Dean, Stacy, and Todd in the hallway watching.

“So you tell me to forget about you and move on then say that we are not obligated to care,” he says. “Want to know what I think?”

“I don’t give a fuck what you think. Let me go,” I snap. I go to bring my knee up in hopes of getting him to let go but he justpulls me away from the wall, crosses my arms over my chest, and pulls my back against his chest.

“I think you’re pushing us away intentionally,” he says softly. “Why?”

“Let go!” I yell again.

“Why?”

“Stop fucking repeating yourself.” My voice is echoing off the walls and I’m truly confused on why I’m so angry suddenly. This isn’t like me.

“Why, Sadie? Why are you pushing us away?” he asks again. His voice is gentle. There isn’t even a single drop of hostility or annoyance.

“Because you shouldn’t want me anymore,” I say as a sudden wave of emotion sweeps over me. Tears roll down my cheeks and he lets go of me so that he can hug me.

“We will always want you, Sadie,” he says. “Why would you think we shouldn’t want you?”

“I’ll never get him out of my head,” I say.

“Says who?” Dean asks as he comes over to stand beside us. Mason follows suit and comes over.

“Paul,” I say quietly. “Right before you guys came in… he was standing beside the bed. I said thank you because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear. I was so tired I didn’t want him to do that again. He…” I stop talking and sigh.

“Take your time,” Lance says softly.

I take a deep breath and word vomit all of it. I don’t leave myself any room or time to stop myself from saying it. I need to get it out of my head. I’ve sat here for two weeks and dwelled on it. I’ve never kept anything from them, so why should I keep this from them? I’ve been letting it eat at me and that’s exactly what he wanted. He wanted to create a divide between me and the guys. I feel like an idiot now that I realize that he played on myemotions to try to ruin my life. He’s trying to get me to willingly come back to him.

I explain every icky detail of what he and Leo did to me. Looking back, I’m recalling more things about the situation that I didn’t notice before. They both definitely hit a line or two of cocaine before they would assault me. They raped me together twice and individually once. At the time it didn’t seem like they were raping me for long but having some time to reflect on it, they were at it for likely close to two hours from start to finish. I sum everything up with what Paul said to me right before they walked into the cabin.

“So because Paul said you would think of him, you will?” Lance asks.

“I can’t get what he said out of my mind,” I say. “I’ve tried but I can’t. How is it fair to you all that I will never get my rapists out of my mind when we have sex?”

“But you want to?” he asks.

“If I know I won’t think about them, yes,” I admit. “I miss you guys. I was revolted by the idea of it for a while but now I desperately need to get them out of my mind.”

Lance suddenly grins and looks at Todd and Stacy. “Don’t stop on our account,” Stacy laughs.

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