Page 52 of The Brightness Between Us

My dad lifts himself onto his elbows and then his hands and pushes up into a crouch. He looks at me warily, breathing heavily.

“What happened?” I ask.

He stares. I hate what I find in his eyes. It’s like he is not seeing the me I know I am. Like I’m not his Yarrow anymore. “What happened?” I repeat, my voice rising.

“I must have scared you,” Dad says slowly, making no move to approach me. “You were deep in your bracelet projections, and I guess you were focusing so hard that you weren’t aware of your surroundings anymore.” His voice hitches. He’s on the verge of crying. “You didn’t respond to your name, Yarrow. Even when I nudged your shoulder, many times, you didn’t respond. I tried to pull you to your feet, and... you don’t remember any of this?”

I shake my head. What’s wrong with me?

He paces toward me steadily, as if he’s worried about scaring me with any sudden movements. Then he draws me close and holds me tight.

Just a moment ago I apparently shoved him into the dirt. How can he be brave enough to risk holding me now? I’m so grateful for it, though, the warmth of my dad. My dad accepting me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into his shoulder. “I don’t know what’s happening with me.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothes. “We’ll figure it out, don’t worry. I promise we’ll figure it out.”

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“Thank you for what?” he whispers back.

I don’t have words for what I’m thanking him for. I just know it feels big. So big it makes me numb. This is my last chance to thank him for this big thing I cannot name.

“Do you want to rest for the afternoon?” he asks. “You can watchPink Lagoonor anything else you want. I can take care of the printing and shuttling materials.”

“No, no,” I say. “I’ll help. I’ll keep track of my mind better.”

“You’re doing fine,” he says. “Are you hungry?”

I shake my head. It’s like my body decided not to use any energy for the whole morning. I know that’s not possible, but it feels like that.

“All right,” he says. “I’m going to get something to eat, and then I’ll meet you over at the printing station, okay? I’ve already input schematics, so you can just hang out with OS and make sure that nothing goes wrong. I’ll be there in half an hour, sound good?”

“That sounds fine, Dad. Thanks.”

I lumber over to the printing station and sit in the polycarb chair. The sweet burning smell of fusing hydrocarbons fills my nose. I tap my bracelet against the system, scanthrough the schematics Dad has queued, then look into the database of what else can be printed, should we choose to. The options are extensive, especially with the addition of the metals we’ve been delivering to the settlement. I lose myself in perusing them. I lose myself entirely.

That evening, Dad asks what I’ve discovered from the ship’s internet image. I surprise both of us by answering “not much.”

“Yar,” he says. He’s looking deep into my eyes as I fiddle with my dinner. Or at least he’s trying to look into my eyes. It must be hard when I refuse to look back. “Yar, please look at me when I’m speaking to you.”

I force myself to look. His eyes are like mirrors that don’t reflect. Like he’s not seeing anyone, not me. The feeling makes my guts churn. Alone is an elemental force.

“This is what you most wanted,” he says. “You asked for years to have this access. And now you don’t want to delve in and see what you can find? I don’t understand.”

I shrug. “I looked up some stuff. But I guess I didn’t want to find anything more after that.”

“What have you been doing in the system all this time, then?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just got lost spending time looking at nothing.”

Dad chuckles. “Yes, I’ve done that before, too.”

I look sharply at him. “You could ask OS to report on me if you want to know what I’ve been doing.”

“Yar, I don’t need to do that. I trust you.”

Why should he ever do something as stupid as that? I don’t trust me.

I watch him think for a bit. “What was the most... rough texture you touched today?” he asks.

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