Page 130 of For Better or Hearse

Wiping her eyes, Ash pulls back. Drops onto the couch. His heart clenches when she turns away from him. “Please, go see your family. Let me ugly cry in peace.”

“Right now, I don’t give a fuck about a single human in existence but you.”

He won’t let her do this. Push him away.

Her smile’s wobbly. “Then can you bring your shoulder closer so I can cry on it?”

“Absolutely.” He sits beside her, pulls her onto his lap. “Let me guess. Tears of rage because your one and only keeps scaring you to death.”

Her smile is thin. “Something like that.” She curls up against his chest. “I don’t like this,” she whispers.

“What?” he murmurs, stroking her wild hair.

“Life. It’s not nice. It hurts too much.” Her words are anguished. “She’s all I have. My York Peppermint Patty. I’m not scared of death. But I am scared of losing Tessie. She can’t die. She’s mine. She matters.”

“She’ll be okay.” He has to say it. Because the woman he loves is crying, and he feels so goddamn helpless. All he can do is hold her tight and let her rage.

Ash blinks up at him with big green eyes. Tears sparkle in the dark flutter of her lashes. “Sometimes I think death is easier than love. With death, all you have to do is survive it. And in the end, it doesn’t hurt. Love…you have to chase it. Tend to it. Work for it. Give it back. And sometimes it’s so, so hard. To love someone.”

“It is,” he says, desperate to ease her pain. “It’s hard to love. It’shard to hurt. It’s hard to seeyouhurt,” he amends. “But I’m here, okay? I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

A wobbly laugh shakes out of her. “Lie?”

“No, Ash. That’s the truth.” He looks into her eyes. Wills her to see how earnest he is. “It is always the truth when I’m with you. I hope you believe that.”

Ash considers him. She wipes a hand over her swollen face and nods. “I do.”

Nathaniel hugs her, cradles her in his arms, rocks her side to side. When her breathing’s evened out, he loosens his hold but keeps her on his lap.

For a few long seconds, silence.

Ash leans into him. Puts a hand above his heart. “The reason I hate Maui,” she says in a small, resigned voice, “is because I was supposed to have my honeymoon here.”

His eyebrows shoot into space as his stomach drops to the floor. He couldn’t be more surprised if he tried.

She inhales a deep breath. “Jakob. He was my fiancé. I was twenty-nine. We both liked to travel. Shitty music. I thought he was the one for me.” A shrug. “At the time, I was trying to do something right in my life, and having a serious boyfriend with a good job…it felt steady.”

She licks her lips. “A month before the wedding, I came home early from work, and he was home.” Her eyes flick to his. “In bed with someone else.”

“Jesus,” he swears. His heart crumples in on itself.

“Yeah. Nothing beats walking in on your fiancé balls deep in another woman.” She gives a long, tired sigh. “We called everything off. I was so fucking pissed. So embarrassed. Heartbroken. You name a gamut, I ran it.”

It pains him to think about Ash seeing that. It pisses him off to think a man dared to do that to her. He wants to find the guy and put his head through a wall.

Ash’s expression softens. “That’s why I interrupted yourwedding. It was like a bomb went off inside me. Back then, all I wanted to do was destroy. It’s so stupid. For letting a man make me feel so fucking insane, and for such a long time.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “One thing about me? I’m gonna make everything about my trauma.”

“You could have told me,” he says softly.

A shake of her dark head. “No. It’s gross. I didn’t want your pity or the sad looks. It’s bad enough he’s haunted me this long.”

Ash inhales an angry breath. But the tears are back. Seeing them fucking kills him.

“It’s not even that he cheated. Not anymore. I couldn’t care less. I dodged a fucking bullet. I should have known he was bad news when he spelled his name with a fuckingK.” She makes a sour face. “We weren’t right for each other. He never asked about my diabetes. He didn’t know if thirty-five was death spiral or A-okay. Thinking back on it, he didn’t know anything about me.” She bites her lip. “Not the way you do.”

Finally. Someone said it aloud.

“Then what is it?” he asks. “What haunts you?”

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