Page 22 of Tryggred By the Orc

Oh, this wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening — but it was,Tryggr’slean sweaty body was hot and shivery and far too close, his scent flooding all throughEben’sbreath.Andoh, oh, his face was even nuzzling intoEben’sneck, and inhaling slow and deep, while his hungry clawed hand slipped upEben’schest, too.Movingslowly enough thatEbencould easily knock it away, could run or refuse or escape — but instead he moaned and shivered all over as that hand found his neck, and circled certain and safe around it.

Fuck.Fuck, yes, this was what he wanted, what he needed, what he’d been craving all this time, and he arched up into it, offering his neck, offering anythingTryggrwould take, anything he would give.AndTryggrwould, hewas, his teeth scraping againstEben’scollarbone, seeking the best place to bite and drink, please, please…

Butthen — it was gone.Gone, gone, becauseTryggrwas staggering backwards, whipping his head back and forth, dragging his hands against his hair.AndEbenwas already following, desperate and instinctive, his hand reaching out, just needing it back, please, please —

“No,Ka-esh,”Tryggrhissed, sharp and low, almost a bark. “Isaid, no!”

Itwas as though he’d struckEbenacross the face, andEbenfroze, stunned, mortified, as ice kicked and cracked in his belly.No?No?

“Look,Ijust —Ican’t,Ka-esh,”Tryggrsaid, and he’d even spun away fromEben, his head tilting back, his hands rubbing at his face. “Iknow what you really want, andIjust — can’t, allright?I’veseen it withPaan’Pabbi, my whole fucking life, andI’mnot gonna — ach.No.No.”

No.Ebencouldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, could scarcely even followTryggr’swords.Hecouldn’t.Hecouldn’t.Hewas saying no, no,no.

No.

“Look,I’msorry,”Tryggrsaid, too thick, still without looking atEben. “ButIjust — just need some time away from you for a spell, ach?Naughtpersonal, it’s not your fault, but you’re just too — you just make me —Ijust —Ican’t,Ka-esh.”

Oh.Andeven ifEbenstill couldn’t follow the rest of it, he could follow this.Tryggrdidn’t want him.Tryggrwanted him to go away.Afterall that, after allEben’sfoolish hopes and plans and longings,Tryggrwas saying — no.

Andit was as though something had broken, wretched and raw, deep inEben’schest, in his heart.Somethingdeeper than loss, or despair, so deepEbencouldn’t bear to touch it, to look at it.Couldn’tbear to even look atTryggr, couldn’t bear to scent him for another breath.

“Ach, then,” he whispered, to the floor, go, go, go. “Youshall not see me again.”

Andbefore he could buckle beneath it, he spun around, and staggered into the darkness.

16

Ebendidn’t know how he ended up in theKa-esh wing, staring at thedýflissa.

Thescents of pain and pleasure were so familiar, so sweet, the sounds of firm slaps and cracking whips thudding deep into his aching chest.Buthis prick stayed soft and slack in his trousers, and a distant part ofEbenpointed out that he was so often soft, in thedýflissa.Itwasn’t like those moments withTryggr, with all that desire and longing.Itwas… empty.Justas empty as he was.

“Eben?” asked a voice,Gareth’svoice, andEbenblinked at where his familiar form was striding out of thedýflissa, his whip still in hand, his trousers sagging around his sweaty waist. “Whatis amiss?Areyou hurt?”

Ebencouldn’t even speak, could only stare blankly atGareth’sface, at the slowly increasing concern in his eyes. “Isit thatSkai?”Garethdemanded, sharper now. “Whathas he done to you?”

Butit was enough to rouse some faint awareness inEben’schest, and he shook his head. “Hedid naught,” he said dully. “Naughtat all.”

Garethkept studying him, the worry creasing his forehead. “Shouldyou mayhap… wish for some relief, then?” he asked, tentative. “Ishould be glad to offer whatever you wish.”

He’deven held up the whip, but still nothing stirred inEben’strousers, and now he could hearTryggr’svoice again, echoing behind his blinking eyes.Notmuch relief if it brings you real harm, is it?Keepsyou running back for more?

Eben’shead seemed to shake on its own, and his sad little smile almost felt genuine. “Thankyou, brother,” he whispered, “butIken it should be wiser to rest.”

Hewas vaguely surprised at the strength of the disappointment inGareth’sscent, but he suddenly felt too weary to wonder at it.Tooweary even to return to his own room, on the opposite side of theKa-esh wing — and instead, his numb, staggering feet took him to a different room.Afar larger room, just a corridor over, reeking of familiarity and pain.

Hisfamily’s room.Theirhellir.

Ebenhadn’t stepped foot in it since his father’s death years before, but he was unsurprised to see that it hadn’t been changed, or put to another use.Itwould still be considered his ownhellirby the clan, even after all this time, and the furnishings were all still here, even his father’s old clothes, now surely ruined by moths and mildew.AndEbenblinked around at it for a dazed, stilted moment, before lurching over to sink onto his old stone bunk, burying his face in his hands.

Nevertrust aSkai, his father’s voice shouted, so loud now.Younever focus on what is important.Youwaste your talent and your time.Youdo a deep disservice to all yourKa-esh kin.Youshow yourself foolish and weak.

Getout.Donot return here or speak to me again, until you come to your senses.

Eben’smouth choked a sound like a laugh, or a sob, because he had never come to his senses, had he?He’dalways been adisappointment, a failure, a waste for his kin and his clan.He’dalways known it, his father had always known it,never trust aSkai…

Anothersob tore fromEben’schest, heaving out of his trembling mouth.Nevertrust aSkai.Arefrain, a mantra, a curse, that had spoken so strongly of his father’s conviction, his clan’s truth.AndEbenhad believed it, had believed it and feared it, just as he’d believed and feared all the rest of it, and maybe —

Hishead shook in his hands as more thick, ugly sobs barked from his throat.He’dbelieved it all for so, so long.Andmaybe — maybeTryggrhad been — a hint of light, in the darkness.Arebellion.Ican show you the way.

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