Page 21 of The Widow and the Orcs

Andwith those awful words echoing through the air, he staggered toward the door, and left.

13

Ithad been years sinceLouisahad wept like this.Sobbinginto the darkness with ugly, choking gasps, her body slumped, her face hot and sticky in her trembling hands.

Gods, she’d been so stupid.So, so stupid, to think she could attempt such things, have such things.Sheshould have known better, afterLordScall, afterKaspar, after gods-damnedRikard.Afterher last hope had been anorc, and she’d managed to ruin that, too.

Andworst of all, shehadlikedUlfarr.She’dwanted him so damned much.He’dfelt so good, tasted so good, smelled so good, and he’d clearly intended to be considerate, to follow her lead.Andin return, she’d been jumpy and erratic and unpredictable, and she’d told him — to his face! — that she’d be just as happy with his stone…replica.

Gods, no wonder he’d left.Intruth, it was a miracle he’d stayed as long as he had.AndcurseLouisa, what would happen now?Whatwould happen to allKillik’splans and promises?Surelyhe would withdraw his offer to pay the debts, right?Wouldhe stop the food, too?Thehelp with the property, the terms around caring for her land?WouldLouisafinally need to sell the horses, pension off her staff, give up her home?

Therewere no answers, only dread and misery and regret, and those harsh, wracking sobs into her pillow.Andby the time the sobs finally faded, late into the night,Louisawas exhausted and aching all over, with a vicious headache, and scratchy, swollen eyes.

Herstate wasn’t at all improved by the bright morning sunlight, streaking through the drapes far too early, and pounding even more pain behind her aching eyes.Gods, how was she going to face this.Whatthe hell was she going to do.

Shegroaned as she rolled over, shoved herself up on shaky arms — and then started, her heart leaping into her throat.Becausethere, against the wall, was —

Ashadow.Moving.Alive.Andmaking a repetitive shirring sound, over and over, like that of someone sharpening a blade…

Wait.Itwas —Killik?

Louisa’scharging panic collapsed into a flat, frustrated disappointment, and she rubbed painfully at her swollen eyes.Ofcourse it wasKillik.Cometo tell her she’d ruined this beyond imagining, and it was all over, forever.

“Well, get it over with, then,” her scratchy voice said, as she blinked blearily at his shadowy form in the faint light. “Howbad is it?”

Therewas an instant’s silence — and thenKillik’sscoff rang out between them, as he leapt to his feet, and stalked toward her.Hislean body coiled, his gleaming dagger clutched in his fist, his eyes flashing with rage.

“Youtold me youwishedfor this,” he snarled at her. “Youwished for my wolf, and youknewof his pain — and you meant to bring him joy, andpeace.Sowhy did you then spurn him!Whydid you bring him yet more darkness, and more pain and grief!”

Hejabbed his dagger toward her, the blade glinting sharp and deadly, andLouisacringed backwards on the bed, dragged her trembling hands over her face. “Ididn’t mean to,” she gulped. “Itried,Killik.Ireally did!”

Killik’sanswering laugh was cold and brittle, and he spun sideways, pacing back and forth across the room. “Youdidnot,” he spat. “Ihave not seenWolfso lost in many, many moons.Ach,Ihad to throw out my own bedmate for the eve, and instead spent all this night soothing him, and ploughing him out of his wits.Untilhe could finally forget his great grief and pain, and sleep!And” — he whirled around and jabbed his dagger toward her again — “you cannot sayIhave broken my word upon not touching him, foryouhave failed in your side of this, also!”

Itfelt like he’d slappedLouisaacross the face, again and again, because he —Killikreally had taken another lover, last night.Andthen he — he’dploughedUlfarr, to comfort him.AndUlfarrhad been lost, miserable, in pain, because ofher— and oh, she could even see it, the darkness inUlfarr’sexpressive eyes, the bitterness on his mouth.Wecan always use that if we need it, can’t we—

Louisacouldn’t look atKillikanymore, and she blinked miserably down at her knees, her hands clutching tightly together. “Ididn’t mean to hurt him,” she whispered. “Ishould never have brought up using your stone,I—”

“Youbrought upwhat?!”Killikroared, his eyes wild in his hard face. “Youtold him you should rather have hisrassja?Insteadof hehimself?!”

Louisa’sprickling, pleading eyes blinked at him, her head shaking. “Not— not like that!” she gulped. “Iwas just trying to comfort him, to make a joke, to help him relax.AndIknow it was stupid,Iwas so stupid, and he didn’t —”

Herbreaths were dragging in and out now, her eyes burning with shame and misery, and there was an alarming lump quivering high and close in her throat. “Hedidn’t even — want me,” she said, wretched, toward her knees. “And— and no wonder.Iwas such a frightful mess,Ican’t do it,Ican’t get over it,Ican’t get fuckingLordScallout of my head!AndnowI’veruined everything.I’velost —everything.”

Thelast word was a choked, agonizing sob, wrenching from her throat — but now more sobs were pouring from her again, tearing out of her gasping, trembling mouth.Andher clammy hands shaking over her face were doing nothing, becauseKillikcould still see it, and hear it, and now he would mock her, and abandon her to drown in her weakness, her shame.

Butthen — something shoved against her hand.Somethingsoft, something —

Oh.Ahandkerchief.OneofLouisa’sown handkerchiefs, threadbare but clean.Andit wasKillik’sclawed hand holding it, wanting her to take it — andLouisa’sbewildered glance upwards found his eyes distant, his mouth grim.Buthe wasn’t shouting, wasn’t condemning her, so she took the handkerchief with tentative fingers, and wiped at her leaking eyes, her nose.Herbody was still curled in on itself on the bed, and she only belatedly realized she was still wearing her skimpy, threadbare shift, no doubt givingKillika clear firsthand view of whyUlfarrhad walked away.

“Look,I’msorry,” she said, in something more like her usual voice, once her face felt somewhat dry again. “Ireally —Ireally did want it.Hewas lovely, and patient, and very attractive, andIcould tell he was trying to — to make it work.It’sjust —”

Shegave a shaky, furious wave down toward her clothes, her face, her fear, her foolishness,herself.Andoh, gods, the water behind her eyes was welling up again — at least, untilKillikthrust something else into her hand.Afresh handkerchief, one that didn’t look at all familiar this time.

“Ach, enough, woman,” he snapped, though there was no real heat in his voice. “Inow follow how this went.Neitherof you knew how to face this, so you both faltered, and fell to your fears.Ach?”

Itwas an unnervingly succinct representation of the night’s events — at least, fromLouisa’spoint of view — but then she shook her head, mopping at her eyes with the fresh handkerchief. “Hedidn’t,” she gulped. “Hehad every right to leave, andIdon’t blame him in the slightest.Especiallywhen —”

Sheagain waved angrily down at herself, at her flushed leaking face — whenKilliksnatched at her hand in midair, his claws sharp against her skin. “Isaid, enough of this, woman!” he snarled. “Thereis naught amiss with you, or how you look, or how you scent, or speak, or behave.YoukenIshould have sought out some weak, stupid, unsightly wretch for my wolf to touch, and cover with his scent?!”

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